Speech by Leigh M

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Leigh M
Speech Date: 11/04/2016 10:12:47

Hello!

Well first of all I would like to thank Brian and Phillip for their excellent speeches but let's face it, the best man is the main event…..

For those of you not too familiar with me, I'm Leigh and believe it or not Phillip and I are related………by blood…….we're brothers……….seriously full blown brothers…….

One of us faired moderately in the gene pool and the other is Phillip.

I don't really know what happened in the time between me being born and sloth from the goonies here. Mum and Dad were a bit older i suppose, perhaps they had both started drinking….heavily. I dunno. But here we are and he's even managed to get someone to agree to marry him.

Anyway, the year 1989 was a special year..… The Berlin wall came down, Nintendo game boy was launched, and the first Bruno vs Tyson fight happened…..BRUNO! BRUNO! No….he got a kicking didn't he, thousands of Chinese students take over Tiananmen Square in a rally for democracy and of course a former blond haired mop head named Phillip was born……

So what can i say about my brother Phillip, he's good looking, charming, wit………Phillip i can't read your writing mate. You can tell me the rest later on.

I've been lucky enough to have been asked to be best man on 3 occasions now and obviously this is by far the most important. I was keen to take it extra seriously and do as much research as possible and it's also about time Phillip admitted I am the best man.

In conducting my research I read that it was important to not mention ex-girlfriends………….throw paper away

Don't swear……….throw paper away

Don't tell lies……throw paper away

Say nice things about the groom………throw paper away

Phillip and I have always been very close and shared a bedroom for far too long. When Phillip was very young I used to entertain him at night as we were going to sleep by telling him “funny” stories.

These stories consisted of mild swear words, made up characters, a lot of toilet talk and Phillip laughing his head off very loudly to which I'm sure even now he'd still find hilarious. I used to often get in trouble for keeping precious Phillip awake. Mum telling me off over Phillip has a bit of a theme throughout this speech.

You could never leave a drink lying around when Phillip was about. Even if you had literally just made one and put it down for a few seconds, the little git would swoop in and snaffle it then just look at you afterwards doing his trademark ‘aaaahhhh’. So i think it's about time i got one back…..DRINK HIS DRINK…..

I remember the first time Phillip came up town with me and some of my mates when he'd not long turned 18, we managed to ply him with loads of alcohol and looked forward to sending him home a blithering buffoon. Pretty much how he came out really. We were in the Campbell on a Wednesday night so the place was rammed and Phillip is one of those overly friendly drunks. So he goes to the toilet and then doesn't come back for ages, we start to think where the hell is he? Has he just done one? Fell asleep in the toilets? Got raped and murdered?

After forgetting all about it for half an hour. We decide to have a little search around the bar and then my mate Lottie grabs me and says you've got to see this………..and there in the main corridor in between the toilets was Phillip barely propped up against the wall just desperately trying to greet and tell everyone that walked past just how much he loved them and how great the bar was! Oh he was a state! Mission accomplished!

The following morning my phone rings……it's mum……”what have you done to my Phillip!?”

He's always been one to lend a hand, be on top of his game, pay attention and really take things in. Today's your wedding day by the way Phillip…..

Speaking of him lending a hand, I can recall one time I asked Phillip to come over to my old house and help me out with some digging in the garden. So there we are in the garden on a warmish summer's day, i had a big pointy sharp spade, and Phillip had a big pointy sharp spade, so naturally most of us would keep to our own little areas to avoid any accidents.

I mean no man in his right mind would bend down behind someone shovelling anything would they?

Phillip? So yes, as i dig up a big pile of dirt and go to throw my shovel full of dirt backwards it suddenly stops and recoils along with a massive thud.

As i turn around to see what had happened, there was Phillip having just had the pointy end of a spade thrust into the bridge of his nose just tumbling backwards dropping to his knees and he started to do this……….do what he did.

Needless to say, mum quickly find out “what have you done to my Phillip?” and i had to leave the country for a couple of years.

Anyone who knows Phillip knows he has a very, very unhealthy thirst for video games. I mean he's obsessed, he used to kick my ass at every game there was so I “grew” out of them. One of his favourite games was street fighter, much to the annoyance of his gran…….

PLAY CLIP….

Being brothers I've gave Phillip many a scar or two over the years, but don't worry he managed to get his own back and in a big way one year by jumping off the arm of the sofa and belly flopping right onto the top of my head, he was 12ish at the time and certainly not small……I had to wear a neck brace for 4 bloody weeks! Obviously mum said it was my fault…..

LIGHTS GO OFF for 5 – 10 seconds……

ENTER BATMAN VILLAN………LIGHTS ON…… HE STARTS MESSING AROUND WITH TABLES

“Excuse me…….i think you're in the wrong roommate…..… Can you leave our guests alone…..oh hang on isn't that the joker?

If only there was someone we could signal to help us……..”

LIGHTS OFF…….BATMAN SIGNAL VIDEO……LIGHTS ON……..BATMAN APPEARS…..

“Oh look its Batman!”

AFTER 2-3 SECONDS CUE BATMAN MUSIC………

BATMAN AND ME (dressed as robin) SLOWLY CHASE JOKER AROUND A FEW TABLES AND THEN OUT OF ROOM…………………….LEIGH RETURN TO SEAT……

Sorry about that……..

Anyway, being a married man myself, I was able to give Phillip some key advice.

Lay the rules down early………..always speak up and establish who is boss……then just do whatever the wife says. It's just easier and saves a lot of time.

We had Phillips stag a few weeks ago. I'm sure you are all aware of the phrase “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?” Well, there is a similar one for Stag Weekends. To paraphrase, it goes “What happened on Phillip's stag weekend … is subject to an ongoing court case”. Phillip's in court next month and to be fair, I thought they looked like girls too.

When we were in Berlin, even before he was drunk he said to me and the lads that he loved me more than anyone……not sure how Emma feels about that mind.

Anyway, joking aside……I love my brother dearly and I know he's always looked up to me as his older brother. Something I've always tried to take very seriously. He and Emma have already started the new generation with little William here and Phillip has quickly become the father we all knew he would be, but with our dad setting the standard he had little excuse not to be.

Emma you look very much the blushing bride today and I hope this day feels every bit as special as it should. You and Phillip are so well suited in every way and I, along with everybody else here wish you all the happiness in the world. You have gave us all a wonderful gift in William and it won't feel like long before you are sat here on his day so take every last second in.

Just before I finish, if i could just ask Chris and Stuart are resident batman and joker back in please? And Scott are resident VT man?

I think these three deserve a round of applause for being good sports for my little batman episode today!

We'll get back on the tequila straight away lads!

And Deborah? Who is one of the wedding co-ordinators here……I wouldn't have been able to pull it off without the help of you and your team…..so thank you very much.

On behalf of Emma and Phillip I would like to thank you all for joining us on their special day.

Lastly……please join me in raising your glasses to…….Phillip and Emma!

NOW LETS GET SMASHED!!!!!