Speech by Leon Felgate

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Leon Felgate
Speech Date: May 2001
To begin with, on behalf of the bridesmaids, Andrea, Lisa and both Emmas, I'd like to thank Emerson for his kind words. I have to agree they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today in getting Steph ready and to the hotel on time.

Secondly, I should point out to those that don't know us that there are in fact TWO best men today, Mr Lee Batsford and myself, Leon a.k.a. ‘Bush’ and so I'll be speaking for both of us, come and meet us at the bar later on and ply us with much Guinness. For some obscure reason Emerson seems to think that I have the gift of the gab/ like the sound of my own voice so he asked me to do the honours. However, for somebody with a notoriously big mouth I'm pretty speechless today.

I'd like to think that one of the reasons Emerson asked me to do this is because I can be trusted to not say anything embarrassing about the him. Before I completely betray that trust I'd like to say a few words about Steph. We can all see just how stunningly beautiful she looks today. She's a lovely person and deserves a good husband. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for Steph. For those that don't know, she's a hotel reservations manager and has to deal with temper tantrums every day – and that's just with Emerson. Incidentally, it proves that Emerson is definitely a man of vision….often blurred, occasionally double…but nonetheless a man of vision and lucky enough to have found a beauty in Steph.

When Emerson asked us to be his best men and myself to do the speech, we thought “Wow, what a tremendous honour.” Then we thought “Hang on a minute, we haven't done this before, we'd better do some revision.” So we went to the library and borrowed The Best Man's Checklist or How To Embarrass The Groom in order to carry out our respective duties to the letter. However, this only confused us more, for example:

1 Ensure the Groom gets to the church – or in this case, the hotel – on
time, sober…..unusual, and smart, and here he is – so two out of three isn't bad.

2 Check hair and face are in order – POINT TO HAIR Hair! POINT TO FACE Face! In the correct order ladies and gentlemen!!

3 See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. We couldn't find any angry ex-girlfriends. In fact, most of them seemed rather relieved. (Incidentally, when I found out that Emerson and Steph were engaged, I
put an ad in the Stratford Herald to let all the ladies know that the Emmo was now officially off the market and to return any keys that they may have to his flat to the address below. The response was very impressive.

HOLD UP KEYS

4 Make sure the Groom uses the little boys room. We threw him in there
headfirst, after that he was on his own.

6 Ensure the Groom is dressed appropriately. We're alright cheers, we know the Emmo can dress himself. Incidentally, the Emmo's choice of attire over the years leaves much to be desired. SLIDES/PHOTOS? OR maybe The Emmo's Mum should be doing this speech, I dunno.

SCHOOL/WOLVES STORY

I've known Emerson for about 15 years. My first recollection of him is on
the football field – the big fixture – St. Greg's XI (yay!) v Thomas Jolyffe XI (boo!) – and we lost 8-0 with Emerson featuring heavily in the game (true).. Indeed, Emerson's natural sporting talent is second to none, he represented the school in Rugby, Basketball and Cricket. Emerson left his mark on me at KES by christening me ‘Bush’, a nickname which I initially hated but has stuck ever since. We both intensely disliked school, to put it mildly, and plotted schemes of rebelling against the system by dying our hair red and putting it in dreadlocks and listening to music way too loud in the common room. Well, Emerson dyed his hair red and put it in dreadlocks (ha ha ha ha ha!).…

Speaking of studies, once upon a time Emerson visited Deena in Wolverhampton. They all went out to a student club and were walking home at 3am the worse for wear. Emerson decided to get into the student vibe and collect a trophy.But instead of a traffic cone or a wheelie bin he thought he'd have a number plate from one the cars they passed. He displayed it proudly on the mantelpiece in Deena's house and subsequently crashed out. However, a few days later Deena was entertaining a prospective new housemate. She led her into the sitting room where she took one look at the fireplace and exclaimed – ‘That's my ****** numberplate!!! I had to go and buy a new one because some so and so nicked it!'(look at The Emmo) Out of all the cars in The City Of Wolverhampton, he managed to pick that one. However, she did move in finally because she thought they were all a good laugh. As I stated before, a man of vision……often blurred, sometimes double……but a man of vision.

Anyway, we became great friends, sharing lots of mutual interests and even working together at the weekends, washing up in a restaurant. This of course is not the best form of employment but we had the best time, putting chili powder in the soup, and locking chefs in freezers ……Ahhh, such larks! We have, of course, remained great friends to this day, still sharing many common interests like going to the football, going out on the town and locking chefs in freezers! Indeed. when Emerson told me he and Steph had set a date for their big day we were having a beer at Wembley Stadium prior to viewing the worst ever display in an FA Cup Final by Aston Villa. Not the best memory of a day out, I grant you, but sharing it with my mate made it all the more memorable and special.

At 19 I went to London to study and Emerson stayed in Stratford to work, as you all know, as a chef at The Encore and it is here, of course, that he met Steph over a couple of prawn cocktails and a 8oz Rump. They have since been inseparable, hitting it off straight away. They could be seen around town as the ideal couple – staggering out of Celebrities at 2.30 in the morning and into the Kebab shop on Meer Street. Covered in grease and devouring a large doner, their eyes met in a loving embrace (ahhhhh!). I don't know if it was love at first sight, but Emerson quickly decided to have a shish kebab and chips as well! (Would you like chili sauce? salad?) It is this unwavering devotion to each other that inevitably leads us to today's wonderful occasion.

And now, some messages from those who couldn't make it-

TELEGRAMS/MESSAGES ETC

My Darling Steph, we could have been so good together, call me if he goes off the boil, love Robbie Williams xxx

Steph, WHY? WHY? WHY? Love Ricky Martin xxx

Dear Emerson, WHY? WHY? WHY? Robbie Williams……xxx

SINCERE NOTE

Those of you who have been best man before will have some idea of how we both feel right now. The best way to describe it is that it's rather like being asked to kiss the Queen Mum – it's a great honour but you'd rather someone else did it ( you're supposed to laugh at that one…) Seriously, I can speak for both Lee and myself when I say that being given the opportunity to be here today as Emerson's best men is truly a great honour, we've both thoroughly enjoyed it. Not only are you one of our best friends but we both regard you as a brother to us – because you are always there for us as we try to be for you. I remember you and your folks selflessly putting me up for a few weeks when my lot went to Egypt to try and abandon me! You are the best friend anyone could have and we are thrilled to bits that you have found such a lovely wife in Steph. We all hope that your love may be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever.

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day and helping to make it so very special and memorable, particularly those who have travelled long distances.

TOAST

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Steph and Emerson, Mr and Mrs Welch no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and fruitful marriage.

The Bride and Groom.…

(stagger to the bar and imbibe copious amounts of Guinness)