Speech by Leon Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Leon Jones
Speech Date: Feb2006
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the wedding celebrations of David & Eve.

FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech…………, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine!!……Only joking mum!

PAUSE

When David or you might know him as Dave, News, Hom, Hum, Smell……I think we all know why that is,,,,,,,,,,, Skuz, Jew, Muslim or Fatman …..… and it's not JUST because he's put loads of weight on in the past few years………first asked me to be his best man I said ‘No’ because I'd be nervous & embarrassed.

So he offered me £20 and I said ‘ Dave…… I'm a man of dignity …… I can't be bought.

Then he offered £50…………………….Anyway………..… my name is Leon and I'm Dave's Best Man for the day!

I'm only joking ,… Actually ……..… me and Dave's OTHER friend drew straws……….and just because I'm stood here don't for one minute think I was the winner!

PAUSE

I do of course jest – I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Dave the most uncomfortable time of his life. – Which to be fair is only what he gives Eve every-time they go to bed.

PAUSE

Now apparently…I'm supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his Good points.… But unfortunately………I can't sing and I won't lie!

PAUSE

There is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for Dave, and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me……….In fact we spend our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other especially now I live in the North East.

PAUSE

Now……..I've known Dave for 20 years, when we met in the first year of what Peter Kay would call ……….BIG school, the Mold Alun. I remember walking in to the class looking for someone from Bryn Coch Primary School………well there was Mark Owen who made Julian Clarey look straight ……..or Dave, …………with his big hair (I bet you wish you had that problem now mate!!!).

It was a close call and Mark was already sitting next to someone called Barry Smell, so I went and sat next to Dave and that was the beginning.

I have loads of stories that I could shame him with like, the dead sheep at one of Phil's house party's…………the honour of becoming the beast master…………….the mystery of the destroyed fence panels and how did all of those trolleys get all over Kwik save car par? ………………… But I won't and I'll let him explain them to Eve later!

Dave's is an intelligent lad so after BIG school……off he went to Coventry University. While he was there he sent me a couple of letters and I'll just give you a taste of what university life was like for Dave and I'm sure his mum and dad will be proud.

These are Dave's exact words

After the first couple of week Dave said

“There are a remarkably large number of dickheads on my course, infact nearly all of them. I went to my 1st lecture today coz I didn't go into university on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday coz I couldn't get out of bed until one o'clock in the afternoon.”

A month or so later

“I might get chucked off my course because I missed 2 lectures this week and I have to attend 100% or the university tell my local authority …and I have to refund the tuition fees.”

A couple of months later again

“Listen to this, I'm dropping out of university as I'm dead far behind. I want to do law next year but I'll only get in somewhere that will accept low grades. I've looked at your uni.… can you get me some more information as it looks like the easiest place to get in the country”

Thanks very much for that mate!

Anyway, Dave decided that the academic route wasn't the way for him, he was an entrepreneur, an innovator, similar to Richard Branson but with attitude………………………so he went to work on an assembly line manufacturing canoe helmets.

Shortly after that he had a brief spell at the Moat House Hotel as Bar Manager but after an unfortunate incident at a staff party Dave was encouraged by his manager to seek EXTERNAL CAREER DEVELOPMENT, shall we say.

Dave's always had an interest in gambling, so he decided to combine his interests with work and after a short spell working in a casino in Manchester he got a job in Ladbrokes as a Manager. The only problem was his management skills where about as good as his tips…….and the only dead cert was that he wasn't going to last long in that job.

So where was this jet setter going to go next?………….He went to work in Quicks Ford Garage in Chester as a car sales person. Now anyone who knows Dave knows that he's definitely not a people person…….sorry, I mean sales person so within his first week he was shunted in to the back office on to the computers as an administrator.

After a while Dave thought he hadn't been given the opportunities that he deserved so he sought his fortune else where and ended up working for Lifeguard as a Sales and Marketing Assistant.

Dave has asked me to point out at this stage the fact that Dave joining Lifeguard and within months sales declined with the company having to make sweeping redundancies where purely coincidental.

Seriously though he seems to have done really well for himself and come along way from stone picking fields near Wrexham for Jones Bros which I'm sure Bellis & Dav would testify to.

PAUSE

Now its true what they say…..if your not lucky in business you'll be luck in LOVE and one of the best things that happened to Dave was meeting up with Eve and it wasn't long before they where living together in Gwenafield and Dave tells me its been 10 years now……….but if he's anything like me he's probably got that wrong.

So hear leads me onto the Stag night. I wouldn't be too far of the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated in front of me than a Taliban Cave digger.

PAUSE

Unfortunately, I cannot say much about it… as David's solicitor has advised caution… until the court case next month.
However, I have been informed by the RSPCA, that the donkey is doing well and will make a full recovery!

PAUSE

Seriously though, we had an ace time in Edinburgh dressed up as fatman and bobbin and I think we all know who fatman is.
Anyway, The rest of the weekend is subject to the laws of stag, suffice to say we had a great time (didn't we Michael). I think it was a great send off!

Tradition says that I have to say something about Dave and Eve's future together. So I have put together a few thing's I hope they can take through the many happy year's they have together!

Before I start though I'd like to ask Dave and Eve to participate in this part of my speech. Stay seated, as this will not take long! Eve if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…right Dave, if you can put your hand directly on top of Eve's,

PAUSE

Enjoying that Dave? Make the most of it mate because it's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand!!!!

PAUSE

Anyway, in winding up my speech as best man may I offer these 3 piece's of advice, they will both be pleased to know that a successful marriage can easily be compared to one of Dave's other great passions – football.

1.Be fully committed every week

2.Always make sure you score on a Saturday………..and make sure you change ends at Half time!

3.I'm also assured that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer market.

And finally

The most important thing to remember Dave is always to use those 3 little words Eve love's to here – YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!

PAUSE

Now, comes the time when I ask you if you could join me in a toast to some very special people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will pass by them and exchange a few kind words.

TOAST

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast…………..… the bar staff.

TOAST

Secondly………The beautiful bridesmaids , who I'm sure you'll agree look stunning….“The Bridesmaids”

TOAST

Thirdly a big thank you to Carol and Ralph and Sandra and Phil for raising two wonderful children…….”Mum & Dads”

TOAST

And finally a toast to Dave and Eve, ……………………….”the new Mr and Mrs Newsam”

Thank you all for coming here today and enjoy the rest of the evening!

And thank you for listening!