Speech by Lewis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lewis
Speech Date: 22/08/2016 14:44:18

LT – Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen – can I just check that everyone can hear me? People at the back? …Yes?…that's unfortunate for you. Don't worry – as we are the last speech today we will try and keep this as brief as possible…..we promise the next 3 and a half hours will fly by, (prop) – (look to master of ceremonies) lock the doors!

PB- For those of you who are fortunate enough not to know who we are already – My name is Phil and I am Andrew's younger brother and the very smart, handsome and extremely single gentleman next to me is Lewis (Lewis hands Phil a tenner) – and we are Andrew's best men today.

LT – You will have to bear with us slightly – we are a bit nervous about all of this – public speaking is something that neither I nor Phil are particularly well versed in. Although we did do a practice run of this speech in front of an audience at a local old people's home – and I'm pleased to report that it went pretty well ….The nurse informed us that most of the audience pissed themselves, so a couple of the gags must be good….

PB – Normally this is the time to perform a character assassination on the groom and embarrass him thoroughly – however we are pretty confident that after a couple of drinks later Andrew will probably do that himself – which saves us a job.

LT – There comes a time in every person's life when they meet their one true love, their soul mate, their destiny. The person, who will know and understand them for the rest of their life – For Andrew this occurred in late 1998 when he met me. We met at high school when we were 11 years old, we were also the same height back then. He would often share with me the sandwiches that his mum Hazel had lovingly made him for his lunch – I used to tell him that if he didn't eat them all himself he would never grow up to be big and strong.… *look at self* *look at Bowers* turns out I was wrong…..

PB – Unlike Loey, Andrew never felt the need to share his food with me. To this day there are strict rules over this subject. This, among many other rules, is what made Andrew such a good role model as we were growing up. He certainly taught me a number of skills, especially how to get out of trouble. We mainly learnt this when hosting house parties when our parents went away – sorry Mum and Dad. The morning-after cover up was always the worst, from having to throw sick-covered sofas over the balcony to destroy the evidence, to removing beer bottles from the dog's bed. The time Andrew was dared to headbutt the wall may have been the biggest alcohol-fuelled faux-pas that we had to cover up. You've seen his head so I'm sure you can imagine the size of the hole… With limited time and funds we had to be resourceful and creative. Using sellotape, a beer box and expanding foam we got to work. Our craftsmanship worked and Mum and Dad were none the wiser. Needless to say they were rather surprised when we confessed 5 years later once the house was sold, to which mum exclaimed that she thought that wall had become “rather bumpy”. For his numerous indiscretions… and there are many, Andrew did, and still does, perform the duties of an older brother exceptionally.

LT – I just have to point out how lovely Sarah looks today – doesn't she everybody? Absolutely flippin’ gorgeous – I've known Sarah for about 8 years ever since the infamous Bowers house parties that Philip has just alluded to *smile at parents*; I tried to stop them guys, honestly….– Sarah is a wonderful girl and she deserves an equally wonderful man to sweep her off her feet and deliver her happy ever after..… Unfortunately Sarah sometimes there is no justice in the world – so you'll just have to make do with muggins sat next to you. Sorry.

PB – The first time Andrew took Sarah on a date, he borrowed my bright Orange Fiat Punto affectionately nicknamed ‘The Baked bean’ and took her to the shining culinary beacon that is McDonalds for dinner – topping the night off with Chocolate milkshakes for dessert. That's the type of romantic guy we are talking about here ladies and gentleman, no expense spared and class in abundance.

LT – Whilst seeking inspiration for this speech Philip and I looked through a few old photos from Andrew's childhood *exhibit A* – and what was most noticeable was what an ugly baby Andrew was, in fact we asked his mum Hazel about this observation, who agreed – telling us that she actually didn't develop morning sickness until after Andrew was born…

PB – Lewis, come on now …In fairness to Andrew he's not as funny looking as he is daft. In fact ladies and gentlemen to celebrate some of Andrew's finer moments we have put together a little presentation that we would like to share with you now….

LT – and for this I think we need a little musical accompaniment; Bobby hit it *music starts in time with presentation on screen counting down* It's the Wilson Andrew Smith ‘Daft Top 10′ Countdown

PB – Straight in at ten. Back in 2005 Andrew once had one of his eyebrows shaved off whilst sleeping, and failed to notice until it was pointed out in the office at work the next day

LT – Up 3 places at nine – Andrew wore shorts every single day through all of the elements for his whole 2 year tenure at Sixth Form to win a pretty pointless bet.

PB – Down 2 places to eight – Andrew once spent an exorbitant sum on procuring DJ equipment in the hope of becoming the next Fatboy Slim (although he has at least achieved half of this title) – however due to a lack of musical ability his DJ decks quickly became an expensive place for him to hang his dirty underwear and his debut creative masterpiece ‘Still Sick’ never saw the light of day.

LT- A non-mover at 7 – Andrew somehow developed a nasty case of Pneumonia after drinking too much cold water following some particularly heavy New Year's Eve celebrations. Although not medically confirmed – we are pretty sure this is what lead to his ensuing hospital stay in early 2015.

PB – New in at 6 – Andrew once broke two fingers attempting to play peacemaker between two drunken idiots fighting outside of a pub in 2011 – a trip to A&E followed, but due to the 5 hour waiting time Andrew decided to just go home and sleep it off instead.

LT – Still at 5 – Andrew once managed to break his back whilst lifting weights at the gym, now normally this would be deemed bad luck… but for those who have visited the gym with Andrew he is well known for chastising other gym users for their poor form – so for him to injure himself in this setting makes it all the more daft

PB – Down 1 place at 4 – Back in 2007 Andrew once requested that Lewis (who has no formal medical training) mend Andrew's broken nose with the use of only his bare hands, a wooden spoon and lots of alcohol.

LT – new in at 3 – Andrew once attempted to get a naughty word tattooed on his big toe at the end of a particularly boozy night in Las Vegas back in 2013…now at this point I probably should admit that I too tried to get the exact same tattoo, and thinking about it, the whole farce might have been my idea – but this speech isn't about how stupid I am, so moving on..… After lengthy negotiations with the very tired and very sober tattoo artist looked at us like we were idiots and proceeded to talk to us out of the particularly bad idea.

PB – In second place – Earlier this year Andrew attempted to buy a dog from a dodgy guy in a bar whilst drunk in Barcelona – given the fact that he was due on a flight back to England 9 hours later this was a particularly bad idea. After a quick pep talk outside the bar regarding the purchase in which he was told in no uncertain terms that it was NOT a good idea and Ryanair DO NOT allow dogs to fly with their owners he left the bar without a canine companion after failed negotiations with the dog's owner.

LT – and today's number 1 – In 2014 Andrew managed to accidentally shoot himself in the hand whilst showing his air gun to a colleague – at this point ladies and gentlemen I think it's important to point out that the best way to ascertain whether a gun has a bullet loaded in the chamber is NOT to shoot it into your open hand – and I am sure Andrew will concur with this piece of health and safety advice. After a little bit of panicking and a lot of blood – Andrew visited A&E to have the situation dealt with – unfortunately he was met with another unreasonably long waiting time, so in his infinite wisdom he nipped off from the hospital to attend a business meeting…with the bullet still lodged in his hand – before returning to hospital to have the bullet removed later that day.

PB- and that concludes today's countdown ladies and gentlemen thanks for listening – I don't think we missed anything did we Lew?

LT– well there is the other slideshow with the stuff that was slightly too contentious for this afternoon's lecture. However ladies and gentleman, I am pleased to confirm that there will be a matinee performance of this speech with that presentation a little later this evening – so for those who want to see the naughtier version, we'll see you back here at around half ten….Hazel, it's probably best you give that one a miss….

PB – that's true……All joking aside ladies and gentleman – we've gathered here today to witness the marriage of a wonderful couple for better or worse – and in this instance that saying is particularly apt, because Andrew, you definitely couldn't have done any better

LT – and Sarah you sure as hell couldn't have done any worse…….only joking….… you could have married Phil….

PB – We've touched on how gorgeous Sarah looks today, but we are yet to mention how absolutely stunning today's bridesmaids are – you've done a fantastic job guys and have looked gorgeous doing it. It seems as though Sarah went shopping for her bridesmaids at Harrods – and in stark contrast – Andrew looks to have dragged his Best Men and Ushers out of a skip behind Primark.… Only joking – well done boys, to get Andrew here in one piece and sober is an impressive feat – for that we all deserve a pat on the back. We would also like to again thank both sets of parents, Bill and Marie – thanks for your continued effort and support in making today perfect – and a special thank you to you mum and dad for deciding that Andrew wasn't enough of a handful on his own – thus allowing me to join the party some 25 years ago. We would also like to say a big thank you to all of you for attending today and making the day so special –

LT – Thanks too for dressing up for the occasion… everyone looks absolutely smashing – I honestly think in the 18 years that I have known the Smith family that this is the first time I have ever seen Andrew's dad in a pair of full length trousers – you scrub up very nicely Wils.… I'm going to cut out the tomfoolery for a few seconds now, so bear with me as this is the soppy bit…Andrew really is a one off, and I mean that in a good way. It's safe to say that life is certainly never dull with him around and he can be stubborn as a mule. However, you would struggle to find a more honest or noble man walking this planet, I truly treasure his friendship and I love him like a brother…..sorry Phil, you probably should have said that bit.… In Sarah I believe he has found his soulmate, someone who he loves dearly, who makes him genuinely happy and brings out the best in him. I am lucky enough to call them both my neighbours as well as friends – and it means I get to see a lot of them and Holly their little black Labrador. What strikes me most about their relationship is what a great team they make, although I didn't know Sarah before she met Andrew I am confident that both of them are stronger people for meeting each other, and I hope I'm not out of line in stating that I look forward to the near future when they begin to look at adding new members to the Smith clan – I just pray that the little mites get their mum's looks and not their dad's….

PB – I believe that with those heartfelt sentiments we have fulfilled our contractual obligations to this evening, so will go ahead and bring things to a close now – we would like to wish both Andrew and Sarah a safe journey to France on their honeymoon and we hope that you have all enjoyed our ramblings for the last few minutes – and even if you haven't if you could give us a rousing applause once we've wrapped things up it would be much appreciated as Andrew has promised if we get some good feedback that we can be the best men at his next wedding too.

LT – So, Ladies and Gentlemen please join us in a toast – to two of my best friends

PB – To my brother and sister in law

LT – and to your bride and groom

Both – To Andrew and Sarah, Cheers.