Speech by Liam G

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Liam G
Speech Date: 10/09/2012 19:24:29

Well, thanks everyone for coming to celebrate the life of Kev. I've known Kev for 22 years now since we both first moved to senior school and his untimely death was a shock to us all.

Oops, sorry wrong speech. I decided to write his funeral one at the same time as it probably won't be too far off.

It's been a lovely day so far, so hopefully I won't ruin it too much now, thanks to Kev and Mary's brother for their speeches, I felt like that poor woman sitting on the bench next to Forrest Gump whilst he was talking shit for 3 hours.

Anyway, as I was saying, it's been a lovely day, sorry about the length of the service but apparently Kev is really religious all of sudden and wanted the blessing in Latin. All I can remember is Caecilius laborat est in horto which is caecilius is working in the garden for anyone who is interested.

Well the service was lovely if a little long, I do love a traditional catholic service, the priest smelt of whisky and he was eyeing up Kian.

We should start a sweep actually as I don't think he's got too long before he is in the loving arms of our lord.

Mentioning length I said to Mary how long should I make the speech. You know there's a mix of families and I didn't want to be too long or too short. Mary said to me, Liam, after being with Kev for so long length really isn't important.

I'm not sure which bit I'm meant to do now, abuse Kev some more or be nice, I did buy a book which told me how to structure the speech but I thought id just go with my instinct, so here's the rest of it.

As I said earlier I've known Kev since 1987 when we first went to SFX. Kev is one of those sound lads who gets on with everyone, the sort you don't come across very often. I've come across him a few times but I'm not going into that in any more detail.

I've had some good times with Kev, I remember in 98 we went to Magaluf and we were down by the hotel pool having a few pints in the evening before we went out. So Kev was going up to the room to get changed and took a key. But he must have took the wrong key as all we saw sitting there by the pool was Kev climbing from one balcony to the next to get into his room, this was about 7 floors up but he did this with his shorts down shaking his pale arse to the 100 or so people at the bar. It was quite funny.

Another good time I remember was 2001 when we went on the coach to Dortmundfor the UEFA final. We got pissed and had a laugh and when we scored the winner Kev ended up about 4 rows in front of us. On the way home Billy Connolly was on the TV on the coach, I think he a bit of a prick (and so is Billy Connolly) but Kev was tickled. He was pissing himself laughing so much a couple of people asked me if he was ok as they thought he was having some sort of fit.

Another good trip obviously was 2005 when we went to Istanbul. I don't remember that much but I do remember Kev when he was more athletic than he is now climbing on the stage and on top of the portaloos dancing away. I had about 6 hours sleep over 2 nights and I think Kev had about 4. When I got up the morning after the match after 2 hours in bed he was still at the bar in the hotel with all these mad people which was fun.

We've also had some good times at local matches getting bevvied on a bottle of brandy on the 50 minute trip to Blackburnis always good fun. We have a 3 0 rule where we leave the match and go the pub is we are 3 up, so as you can imagine we had to make other reasons to leave early last season.

One of the funniest things Kev did was once we went to see the verve in Manchester, me, Phil, Kev and Ian. So we'd a few bevvies and Kev showed us his trick of running into a lamppost and slapping it so it sounds like he's hit it properly and then falling down like he's really hurt. He did it in the middle of Manchester pretending he was running for a bus and made the loud slap and then hit the deck pretending he was out cold. There was loads of in bred mancs about trying to revive him and about to call ambulances and we were pissing ourselves laughing when he got up dusted himself down and ran away. I hate mancs.

The stag do was ok for those of you who haven't heard. We went to York races, we had been there on a stag do a few years earlier and there was this woman bend over and your could see her arse crack so someone dared Kev and he poured a pint down it. She flipped. Kev ran away and we found him in a field doing cartwheels by the coach.  We went back to town on the stag do and Phil had hired some wrote off stripper who was from Danny Valentions platinum collection. She bent over Kev and he shouted it's like looking down the Mersey tunnel which amused us all. I didn't even get a semi on.

As you may know Kev met Mary just before he went to Australia for a year. Lets face facts before he met Mary he was pretty much a useless bum working on the fruit and veg at Asda, all he ate was pot noodles, cheese on toast and Ian. Now he's got a lovely wife, a gorgeous little boy, a good job and he eats Chinese every night.

I mentioned Australia and although I wasn't there I have heard so much about it and it was such a big part in his life I feel I must mention it. Basically as I said Kev was a bum and those of you unfortunate to know Ian will know he is king of the bums. So off they went a pair of bums on a big adventure to Oz. To sum it all up they basically got pissed for a year paying for this whilst doing odd jobs. They stayed in a gay back packers and it must have rubbed off on them as towards the end of the year kev couldn't take any more bummings from Ian and flew back home to the loving arms of Mary in December 2006 and we now find ourselves here.

So, some thank you's. Kev and Mary thanks for letting me be best man. I love a microphone and an audience. Mary you look lovely and have done so well doing all the organising to make today so special. Even turning up at the suit fitting to make sure Kev didn't do anything stupid. Even Kev has scrubbed up quite well.

Bridesmaids thanks for doing bridesmaids stuff.

That's it for the thank yous by the way.

I've been married for just over 7 years now so my only tips on a good marriage would be, be the people you were before you got married because if you change your not the same people who you fell in love with. At least that's my argument to Adele most weeks when I am either going the match or the pub. I think the secret to a good marriage is to keep it simple so Kev and Mary shouldn't have any problems there.

If you see anyone wearing suits like these it is customary to buy them a drink, especially me. For interest I'll be on beer until about 10 and will then probably move on to brandy, nice stuff though!

Well that's it now, so Ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in wishing Mr and Mrs Williams a long and happy life together. Word.