Speech by Lloyd Hopkinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lloyd Hopkinson
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to take this opportunity to welcome you all here today and hope you enjoy the occasion as much as Chris and Claire.

For those of you that don't know me my names Lloyd and its my unfortunate duty of being best man today.

Firstly I would like to thank the bridesmaids, especially Kate for making Claire into everything she isn't usually today, for those who don't know Claire “that means punctual and sober”.

But that's enough about Claire, as she has threatened to cut off a rather important part of my anatomy if I say too much.

When Chris asked me to be best man, my initial response was horror, but then after thinking about it I realised that it wasn't so bad after all. Along with all the mundane duties, like remembering the wedding ring, and getting him to the church on time came the opportunity to organise the stag night and also to completely demolish Chris's character, so here go's

The stag night, well I won't say to much about that, I'll leave it to your imagination to paint a vivid picture of what 14 total degenerates got up to, for two nights in Amsterdam
All I will say is that me and Chris were the model students and all the other lads were totally outrageous, that's including you Nick—- And you Andy!

Right, now for the character demolition, Not knowing Chris for that long I can't say too much, well maybe just a few little things his family and friends have divulged.

Chris was born in 1973 the same year that the speed limit was introduced, quite apt considering that since then he's done nothing but break it.

On writing this speech, I chose a few words to describe Chris these were

MISCHIEVOUS

GULL ABLE

SPENDTHRITHED

OBSESSIVE

As a small child Chris was quite mischievous, always annoying his brother and his mates, for which he was rewarded by being tied up in a large canvas sack, hung from a peg, a beat with the ugly stick for a large period of time.

This treatment was probably the cause of Chris being so gullible, which the following story will prove.

On Chris's 17th birthday his brother handed him a gift wrapped box, inside it was a Peugeot car key. His face full of delight ran out to the garage to see his new pride and joy, but after opening the door he was faced with a empty room. He then proceeded to run back to his brother “come on where's the car” he said “it's in the garage, honestly” replied his brother.
Reassured by this he went back for another look, he then found it, but not the nice sports car he was expecting but a miniature matchbox toy.

I've bought you a present today Chris because I actually felt sorry for you.

(hand him present)

A nice little garage to put your car.

In his teens Chris studied catering and hotel management at Sheffield university. His parents being proud that his private education was paying off, decided to support him financially, Chris being the spendthrithed guy he his, proceeded to spend the money on wild nights out and drink binges, as most normal students do.
Being left with little money his accommodation was upgraded from a flooded basement in his mate's house, to what can only be described as a broom closet. After his funds ran out completely he decided to take a year out and go take America by storm.

The first job he got was in an establishment called Dunking Donuts, but not as a catering manager for what he was trained, but as a sugar spreader and chief muffin maker. After 12 months of total dropout behaviour, constantly annoying the local police, he decided to leave, before he was imprisoned or deported.

Chris's obsessive behaviour started when he took up rock climbing. Wanting to be the best, he used to climb anything and everything. His practice technique had a lot to be desired though, whilst his mum and dad sat on the couch to watch tv at night, chris would hang upside down in the chimney breast and the door frames and just about anything he could hang himself from, you tell me is that's normal behaviour.

After a couple of years of this he decided to become, fat and lazy, and discovered the world of night clubs, and loose women, not being Chris's scene, he spent most of his time frequenting the local pubs, which is where he met the love of his life, no not an R6 motorcycle, I mean Claire.

Chris perused Claire until one night when she was completely hammered, she accepted his advances and agreed to go out with him, which is why we are here today. Nobody knows how she's put up with him for so long, although he keeps telling her he's a good catch, myself I'd sooner catch flu.

Shortly after meeting Claire, Chris decided to resume his obsessive behaviour, but this time it was aimed at motorbike racing, which coincidently is where me and chris met. How Claire puts up with this obsession is beyond me. He equates everything to racing and actually tried to book his honeymoon around testing motorbikes in Spain. To which Claire soon put an end to.

Talking of the honeymoon, which I'm told is the period between I do, and you'd better, I'd like to wish them a very happy marriage.

Being married for 10 years myself I'd like to give him some advise on sex and marriage.

There are three types of sex in marriage, all over the house sex, bedroom sex and hallway sex. All over the house sex is when you'll do it any time in any place for any reason. Bedroom sex develops later on in marriage, this is when you have sex in the bedroom on a Friday night (if your lucky) Hallway sex is in the latter part of marriage, this is when you pass each other in the hall and scream at each other “screw you”

Joking apart I'd like you all to raise your glasses and wish Chris and Claire all the luck and happiness they deserve

To Chris and Claire.