Speech by Lloyd Shepherd

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Lloyd Shepherd
Speech Date: Jul2007
Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Martin an uncomfortable few minutes it is part of the official duty of the best man to thank Martin on behalf of the bridesmaids, Sezan, Canan and Clare for his kind words and for having them play a part of this really special day. I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job. Indeed they are only eclipsed by Arzu herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely stunning.

It is a great privilege to be asked by Martin to be his best man. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 6 years ago, during which Martin took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, so I now have the right to reply.

I suppose the first thing the best man should explain is how he knows the groom. Well, being his identical twin we first met long before we can both remember, so we are very close. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Martin, likewise there's nothing Martin wouldn't do for me, in fact we spent most of our time doing nothing for each other.

I will start at the point of our early life as toddlers.

Growing up together in those early days, I am proud to say that I was an angelic child, no trouble to anyone, but the same could not be said of Martin. He showed no respect to his elder twin brother. I became an innocent victim of his loutish behaviour. &quotLloyd, flush you socks down the toilet&quot he used to say. And under duress I did.

But that lout grew up into the well-mannered and well-presented individual we see sitting here today. Martin has matured.

For instance I can tell you that Martin is very well read – he has after all read all 45 of the Mr Men books from cover to cover. In fact, at the age of five, whilst living in Australia, Martin had a great idea to wander off into the dense, wild outback behind our house to look for Mr Jelly, whom he had read lived in the middle of a forest. He convinced me to go with him and we got terribly lost. By the time we had found our way home, there were lots of tears. Not for the fact that he had been lost in a forest, but that Martin never found Mr Jelly's house.

On the subject of Australia, it was there that Martin began a love affair which still lasts to this day.McDonalds. Age six, we were ever so excited to make our first visit to McDonalds..and the great thing about this place was the kids playground – it was like a mini-theme park – things to climb, things to slide down, things to spin around in.all for the enjoyment of children who had just scoffed their face with burgers and fries. It was whilst Mum, Dad, Verity and I were sat inside the restaurant that Martin, having just stepped of the swings, appeared the other side of the window.knocking loudly so that everyone in the restaurant noticed him. My parents played along and waved back…until Martin, in full sight of everyone tucking into their lunch, brought up his fast food as quickly as it had originally gone down, all over the window pane. Suddenly my parents stopped waving and momentarily tried to pretend he wasn't theirs, although sadly as Martin's twin was sat with them at their table, they couldn't fool anyone. The waitress gave them some reassurance.&quotDon't worry guys, that happens here all the time.&quot

His love of fast food however never stands in the way of his enjoyment of sport. Martin usually waits until half time to get off the sofa to ring for a pizza.

Some of you may be aware of his passion for cricket. What many of you don't know is that his interest in the sport was borne during his time at school. Martin is a modest man – well, that's what he has insisted I tell you – so his cricket achievements are little known. But I can reveal today that at school, Martin SCORED more runs than any other person in the entire cricket team – that was because he was always 12th man putting up the numbers the scoreboard at the pavilion.

After school, Martin went on to study environmental science at Kings College London. I am told by his friends many of whom are here today that Martin had a natural flair for the subject. They tell me that no matter how remote a place Martin was sent away on field trips, he could gauge and interpret the direction of the wind, the contamination of the soil and the pollution of the air to produce an accurate assessment of where the nearest local pub was to skive off to have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps.

But Martin had to fund his extra curricular activities. Being a student with far too much time on his hands and always in need of an extra few quid, Martin decided to exploit a promotional campaign at Selfridges, the famous department store on London's Oxford Street. The deal was that customers were entitled to a 㾶 voucher if they purchased an item from all seven floors. Martin managed to get round the store and buy small items which came to the grand total of 37 pence. It was an all time record amongst his fellow students. Selfridges had no choice but to pay out the 㾶 voucher, which Martin then redeemed for cash. What's more impressive or should I say sad is that he did this seven times in one day to walk away with a hard earned 㿲. Unsurprisingly, Selfridges ended their promotional campaign rather abruptly.

Although Martin studied environmental science, I began to doubt his true commitment to the green cause when he purchased his first car after leaving university a Volkswagen Beetle. Now, I'm not sure what year the Beetle was made, though I believe the front of the car was made in the early nineties and the rear of the car some years before. Martin spent hours in that car, usually trying to get it to start. It was the only vehicle that you wouldn't use a traditional road atlas or street map to navigate your journey. Martin's Beetle was so economically inefficient and powerless that he had to plot his routes using an ordinance survey map to make sure that his entire route was downhill. With careful planning, Martin could achieve this and the only flaw was making the return journey home by the same route.

Being Martin's older twin, by a whole five minutes, I realise Martin that you have now reached the age that I was when I started this speech and with that you will gained the maturity and wisdom that I had back then. So this is probably a good time to for me to show some respect.

Joking aside, I want to say what a privilege it is today to be your best man. I couldn't wish for a better brother and how much you mean is really impossible to put into words. The whole family is proud of you Martin, and we are all thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride Arzu today

So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Martin and Arzu. We wish them well for the future. To love, life, laughter and happily ever after.. Martin and Arzu.