Speech by Llyr Williams [olw@wmsystem.co.uk]

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Llyr Williams [olw@wmsystem.co.uk]
Speech Date: Apr2005
Intro

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. For those who don't know me, my name is Llyr Williams… better known as Wills… and for some bizarre reason, I agreed to be Tim's best man.
Looking back at the time of asking… 2am on a Saturday morning after copious amounts of alcohol, I did actually have the sense to say “no way Tim, you'll never get me up in front of a 120 people in a Marquee making any sort of speech”… but, as a testament to Tim's Salesman's skills… here I am.

Don't get me wrong it is a real honor to be Tim's best man…

He's even assured me that if I can put the nerves aside and do a good job, I can be best man at his next wedding!
OR
I appreciate that I am just one of many equally suitable friends that Tim could well have chosen. But I know he looks upon me as the brother he never had… and I look on him as the brother I never wanted!
OR
If there's anyone here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive & queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you've just got married to Tim D!

Thank you's

Jokes aside for a minute, there are few words I'd like to say to a few people for making today such a special day .…

A Big thanks to Mr & Mrs Simmonite for holding, what I'm sure you all agree to be a truly superb wedding do, quite literally in their own back garden.

Thanks to the ushers, Dafydd, Anthony, Matt and Neil for their efforts today. I just hope they'll leave me something at the bar before this is over.

And thank you to the lovely Bridesmaids, for holding my flowers for so long, and providing the eye candy…
balancing the efforts of the fore mentioned ugly… erm.. I mean ushers.

Link

Now back to what I'm really here to do today, Tim's character assasination. When preparing this speech, I soon realised how difficult this job really is… All looked well at the beginning, with plenty of harmful material to destroy what's left of Tim's good name for ever. But once it had been edited for relative good taste (considering we've just eaten)… burnt the parts incriminating myself, and after the police took the other half of it away to help them with their investigations… I found myself with a lot less material.
However they say a good speech is like a MINI SKIRT……..SHORT enough to be interesting but LONG enough to cover the ESSENTIALS…
So here goes…

Main speech

Where else can I start but with Tim's second favourite past time … DRIVING..… FAST!!! (don't ask me his favourite, and I won't lie to you)…
At some stage, somewhere down the line… everyone here who's known Tim for longer than a week, will have experienced the sheer terror that is being a passenger to Tim's driving!!

Trying to beat your personal best from A to B is all well and good when you're in a racing buggy, protected with a re-inforced roll cage, wearing a helmet and with the comfort of having a fire extinguisher in between your legs… but when you're going round corners on two wheels in a Vauxhall Vectra Estate trying to beat the sound barrier between Pentrecelyn and Ruthin… you start validating your concerns as a back seat driver.

No more have I endured the physical pain of Tim's driving than on one of many Spring Evenings we spent burning testosterone on a Quad Bike up the Horse Shoe Pass. Unfortunately, this experience was before I had my own toy and had to spectate on Tim's Al-quaida style driving from all two inches away on the back seat. All was going great for a while… Tim was screaming for joy, I was screaming for my mother… until… we hit the mother hill, before I could say “let me off this bike you ffffff….” I was doing a backward roll parallel with a quad bike… unfortunately it was on top of me at the same time.
To be fair to Tim, he managed to get a good view of what was going on from top of the hill, as he'd casually jumped off to the side, seeing the inevitable about to happen!

If only he'd taken more notice in physics classes, he might of learnt the basic principles of GRAVITY! I think I learnt a valuable lesson that day, but it involved something a bit heavier than an apple landing on my head! As he mentioned before, I don't think Tim's quite inherited his fathers mountaineering skills.

If there wasn't a free bar and I wasn't allowed to drink until I get this bit over with, I'd be giving out a few more examples of Tim's not so glorious driving occasions… but as I've been told a few people from Tim's work are here today… I'd better leave it there.
Talking about Tim's work, I'm very impressed to hear he's actually known as “God” at Komatsu…
– No-one ever sees him
-He makes his own rules
-And any work he does is a bloody miracle!!

Stag Do

Prague… now there's a few stories about Tim I could tell you involving that place. Nowhere else better in the world could I of taken Tim for his supposedly “last night of freedom”… having;
– Beautiful architecture
– wonderful culture
– historic background
– friendly police
– good food
– cheap beer
– casino's
– not forgetting a few carefully selected gentlemen's clubs.

Read out:
Due to censorship reason's pages 3&4 of Tim D's best man speech has been altered to read the following:

“Tim is a good looking, loyal, well mannered, charming young man….” (Scrunch up piece of paper & throw away)

HA!! No chance!!!

Anyway, I think we'd better leave it there about the Stag Do… I'll just have to use the old saying: What goes away, stays away!!

I'm sure Rachael had a nice time in Marbaya on her hen weekend… relaxing and topping up on her tan!?! It's just unfortunate that Tim resorts to rather more unconventional ways of gaining a sun tan, usually involving either a blow torch or a welder… both usually without a mask.

To be fair, face protection has never been a worry for Tim… I'm sure you'll agree that we can see the benefits today!?!!?

Oh well, I suppose you know who your mates are at 1am on a Saturday morning, when you get a phone call asking you to take them to Casualty to remove some metal out of their eye, after yet another early morning
goggle-less grinding exercise!!!

There are a few other stories regarding Tim and hospitals I could mention, including a fairly recent one with an anonymous fiancée after a Halloween party.… But, my better half Katy insisted I didn't mention that one for some reason!?!?!

Finnish

Right, that's enough from me now. I've been told the scouts are due back any minute to reclaim the tent after being out on their orienteering day, so I'd better wrap it up there.

Tim you're a lucky chap today…

Rachael you look gorgeous.… BUT.… it's too late now!?!

All that remains for me to do, is to ask you all to please be upstanding……
and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr & Mrs D…

To Tim & Rachael!!