Speech by Loarn McCutcheon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Loarn McCutcheon
Speech Date: Aug 2001
…..I am so overcome with emotion, that I am absolutely speechless, which seems to be somewhat inconvenient at this particular juncture.

When R asked me to be his best man, I considered it thoroughly for several seconds before nobly suggesting that he could find someone better. Then he offered me £50 and began pleading. “I'm not a man who can be bought” I replied. Then he offered me £100, so ladies and gentlemen, good afternoon, my name is L and it's my pleasure to be R's best man today.

Not accustomed to public speaking, I thought that I had better prepare a few lines, and I feel a whole lot better now that I have snorted them.

It has often been stated that being asked to be best man is akin to being asked to make love to The Queen Mother – a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. But, then I remembered that it is an occasion to publicly lay into one of your best friends..… has anyone noticed how nice HRH is looking at the moment…..?

I thought that I would feel slightly nervous standing up here, but then again, it was no piece of cake for R either. In fact, there were some slightly strange noises coming from the toilet this morning. Here, R, the management would like you to know that this just wouldn't flush away. (Hand R brick).

So, anyway, onto the real meat of the speech. I promise not to keep you too long, because of my throat…K said that she would cut it if I went on too long. No, really, I shan't keep you too long. (Unroll paper.)

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to start by thanking R for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely fantastic and did an excellent job in getting K to the ceremony on time.

As a bachelor myself, I have no idea what it is like to be happily married, but then again, I've heard that neither do most husbands.

August 3rd is a special day in history. Just as R and K are starting their voyage of life together, Christopher Columbus did a similar feat in 1492 as he set sail for China, India and Asia. Let's hope that R and K's voyage is just as exciting and exotic.

OK, niceties over!

I have known R for too many years that I'd care to remember. We both met at secondary school but were never close friends. Understandable, some may say.… It was really only as we both finished our respective years out, that we were sitting in a pub in Selly Oak and I asked R where he was going to Uni the next year. “Bristol”, he said. “So am I” I replied, “what are you reading?”. “Zoology” he said. “So am I!” I replied. And so started a legend, as we became the scourges of Bristol, terrorising the earth-mothers and tree-huggers that lived in fear of us in The School of Biological Sciences. For those of you that know R, you will know that he is somewhat “forthcoming” with his opinions, and it could be claimed that poor attendance by some students at lectures could be down to intimidation or paranoia following R's unique use of stationery. (Show arrows)….ask him about it later at the bar!

I truly wonder if R's current work colleagues know about his commitment to work? Whilst working on our 3rd year project, things were very slow, tedious and fiddly, but R always maintained the stringent policy of not leaving until everything was done to the best of his ability; quite unusual for a student. On one occasion he suggested we work late, when morale was really low and things just weren't working, and he persuaded me to stay until 11. His reason for this was that we were students, and really, the pubs had already opened and we wouldn't get the chance to do spontaneous all-dayers in later life.

But R does take his work seriously, even if no-one else could when he announced that he was working in a toy shop on graduation.

In fact, I was like a mother to him at Bristol. I watched him drink from a bottle, stagger around naked and crawl. I've even cleaned up after him.

R was fit when he went to Uni, but put on a bit of weight, which I presumed was due to him giving up swimming due to injury or general laziness. It was only one evening, when I saw them together, that I saw the real reason for his increased porkiness. Only when I saw him caressing her with both his fingers and his tongue that I realised that it was due to him meeting Donna…… Donna Kebab.

Richard was always great fun to go out with. His utter hatred of dancing was something he never failed to remind me of when we used to go to night-clubs. In fact, the only way to get him up there on the dance floor was to get him fairly lubricated, so K, before the first dance, I suggest that you make him drink this. (Hand over bottle). However, on a couple of occasions, I would tell R about some young lady that I had my eye on, and, before moving in for the kill some days later, I would find that R had started going out with her! Oh well, what are friends for. I am genuinely pleased to say that R found K before I had set eyes on her, which may be the reason that I am here today! R you are a lucky groom – you've got K. She is beautiful, warm, intelligent, funny, loving and caring. K – you've got……..R.

K looks wonderful and R is a very lucky man. They married for better and for worse. R couldn't have done better and K couldn't have done..… (look at notes).. better.

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom to pass on.

R – A piece of advice from the married men in here, The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once. And in the words of Oscar Wilde – women are meant to be loved; not understood.

K – Men are like a fine wine.… They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.

R – Women are also like a fine wine.… They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind, and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Now, I shall toast the happy couple, because in all seriousness, I think that they were made for each other: May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. Here's to love, laughter and happily ever after, as R and K start their new life, let's toast the new husband and wife! Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for Mr and Mrs Reed – R and K.

Messages – To R. We could have been so good together. Love Britney Spears.
To K. We were so good together, shame you settled for him. Love George Clooney.