Speech by Los Osgood

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Los Osgood
Speech Date: oct 2003
I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far,
But every silver lining has a cloud, and I'm yours.

For those of you who don't know me,
My name is “ Los Would-you-like-a-drink. “ and I do prefer to be addressed by my full name.
Anyway the speech:

Fornication, …… sorry for an occasion such as this many people might be tempted to just download a speech ready made off the internet, I don't think that is right, an occasion as special as this deserves a more personal touch. Warning browser error this web page has been disconnected.

I have to say I was really nervous about standing up here, suffice to say this is not the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with sheets of paper in my hand. Having said that I don't think I was as anxious as Steve, I followed him into the toilet earlier and found this (produce brick)

I have to say I am very proud to be best man here today.
They say, that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen
It's a great honour,
But nobody really wants to do it.

It's funny how history repeats itself.
I mean 30 <cough> years ago Kay's family were sending her to bed with a dummy
And here they are doing it again.

No as best man I am here to support Steve on his big day, so I thought that I would list all the qualities that Steve has which will make him a good husband. (turn over empty sheet of paper). Then I thought no perhaps not.

Actually that is not fair Steve can cook, he cooked many a memorable meal for me, I know I'll never forget his tuna fish curry although god knows I've tried. Then there was the time he cooked a meal for a vegetarian friend of mine. Before she ate Steve assured her there was no meat in it. When she finished she asked what it was, Steve said Beef burger curry. She went crazy and Steve said don't worry Los buys those economy burgers there is no meat in them. Oh yes it was a sad loss to the diplomatic service when Steve joined the council.

Actually Steve is very fond of his food the guys at Littlewoods still laugh about the time he nearly choked to death trying to prove he could eat a giant Yorkshire pudding in one mouthful. Nearly a Darwin award that day Steve, they're the awards give for the people who have killed themselves in the stupidest way.

Steve has a good sense of humour, I remember when I was pillion on his motorbike going down a dark country lane at night and ‘just for a laugh’ he turned his lights off. I screamed with laughter as we crashed through the fence into the ploughed field, well I screamed anyway. Nearly a Darwin award that day Steve.

Steve is a man of his word, he does what he says he is going to do. I remember one time on the startline at ty croes he turned to one of the other bike racers and said ‘I could do this race standing on my head’ and sure enough he took the first corner on his head. Nearly a Darwin award that day Steve.

Steve has a strong sense of adventure and is constantly visiting places he has never been to before, or to put it another way getting lost. He once headed for Peterborough and ended up in Lincoln because he had remembered he had to travel through a town beginning with L, it should have been Leicester, Lucky I suppose he didn't go to London, Leith, Leningrad ! He is the only man I know who has managed to get lost going round a race circuit. On the first lap at Oulton Park once he was so excited at being in second place he drove back into the pits by mistake.

Steve is a keen sportsman and plays football for a local team. What position he plays depends on how good a turnout they get. If they get a full compliment he plays left back or right back, that's left back in the changing rooms or right back behind the goal. I don't want to worry you about your wedding night Kay but he team did describe him as completely hopeless in any position. I asked Les why they had him in the team and he said well he is rubbish at football but he is really good at the drinking and fighting.

What else might make him a good husband? Well he is a keen DIYer I remember when he fitted a new bathroom in his house, I was the first to take a shower, unfortunately I was stood in the kitchen at the time. No it's nice to have running water in a kitchen, but it is not nice to have it running through the ceiling.

Another reason Kay might be pleased that she has married Steve is that, although I have never seen it myself, I believe that he is doubly blessed in the manhood department. I know this as whenever Les and I walk into a room with Steve everybody says here comes Steve with those two knobs.

At this point I have to say Steve, you have married a beautiful, sensitive, intelligent woman.
And Kay you've married Steve

I think you'll all agree that Kay looks like one in a million,
Steve, on the other hand looks more like won in a raffle!

I've got some messages to read
CARDS
<Read a Serious one>
My Darling Kay, we could be so good together, there is still time,
love Ben Affleck xxx
<Read a Serious one>
My Darling Steve, we could be so good together, there is still time,
love Ben Affleck xxx
<Read a Serious one>
Steve! I'll miss those nights getting to know each other around my
pool. All the best, Michael Barrymore.

Now, this is the part in the speech where I'd like Kay and Steve to participate.
Kay, if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table.…
Steve, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Kay's…
Now Steve, please take a moment to bask in this, as it is the last time that you will ever have the upper hand.

All seriousness though, I'm very proud to be best man here today, Steve has been an excellent friend to me and I am sure he'll be an excellent husband. I am extremely pleased to have friends like Steve and Kay. They are both wonderful people and I am sure they are going to be very happy together.

So on that note, it gives me great pleasure, not to mention immense relief.
To invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a couple of toasts.

#Firstly, to some very special people, who we couldn't do without today. I'm sure we will all get a chance to talk to them at some stage of the evening.
So, if you could join me in a toast.
To the bar staff.
That should get me served first.

# Secondly, to the parents of both the bride & the groom, for doing such a wonderful job in raising these two crazy kids.
“The parents”

# …and finally, to Steve and Kay,
Mr. & Mrs. Ashley. We wish them much happiness together in the future,
“Mr. & Mrs. Ashley.”