Speech by Luke Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Luke Davies
Speech Date: 11/11/2011 12:55:12

Introduction

Thank you and Welcome ladies and gentlemen

(Take a large swig of cold tea held in a large bottle of whiskey to fool everyone)

Hello my name's is Luke… and I'm an alcoholic…..… Oh sorry wrong day that's Mondays.

Good afternoon, It's a great honour ladies and gentlemen, My names Luke for  those of you that don't know me,  I am today privileged to be the Best man at this joyous occasion, to celebrate the marriage between Natalie and my dear and close friend Rob who I've known for some years now.

Should I appear a little nervous or begin to sound like G-G-G-Gareth Gates please be kind, as I remember the last time I had to stand up in a room full of this many people…… I was actually err… Found guilty and fined.

But may I start with the necessary thank you's to everyone involved. I know a lot of work, time and effort have been put in by the many people involved so……

Thank You's

Let me first thank all of you for making the effort in coming to celebrate todays wonderful occasion. I know some of you have travelled from afar so a big welcome and I hope your all having a great time.

May I thank everyone involved in the occasion, firstly the ushers for their hard work, Especially considering any man has difficulty with multi-tasking, the alphabet and his left and right. So I'm glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the chapel.

May I thank the bridesmaids and say that they all look absolutely radiant and are only outshone by our beautiful bride. Doesn't she look fabulous. I think  you'll all agree, Natalie looks absolutely stunning today! Whereas Rob, on the other hand, just looks stunned!

I'd just like to thank Primark for supplying the suits, I'm surprised by just how good they look! And It's nice to see that Rob has remained loyal to his favourite clothes shop!

Finally, Its a great pleasure that these two families are as one today to celebrate a marriage between two lovely people.

Now I was talking to Nat's mom earlier and she was saying as a young girl she was never as happy as when she had her dummy with her……Some things never change she said..… look how happy she is today . . .

Anyway like Linford Christie wearing a thong, there is a lot to fit in – So let's crack on.

The Best Man's Duties

Having been asked by Rob and realised what the best man role was about, I thought it reminded me of a lot like an invitation to make love to the queen mother, You know.… an enormous honour, but nobody wants to do it.

I asked Rob and Natalie for a complete list of everyone present, broken down by age and sex. But err, looking round, I can't see anyone who isn't, and unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Rob and Nat that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

One of a best man's duties is, to help make sure that the wedding goes smoothly. This is why I'm carrying a pocket wedding guide book.

(Show guests a small diary)

In this book, it mentions 3 significant parts of today's service.

The aisle- apparently the longest walk you'll ever take.

The alter – the place were two become one,

The hymm – the song which celebrates the marriage

I think Natalie must have been reading the same book, because when she was walking down the aisle, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle, Alter, Hymn.

About the Groom

So……Let me set the scene, its 1976 and were just recovering from one of the longest hottest summers ever recorded. The Volkswagen Golf has just been launched, the phrase junk food was born, Concorde had its first commercial flight with BA fromLondontoBahrain, Jimmy Carter was elected as American President, Apple Computers were founded, Gillette introduced the disposable razor, Liverpoolwon the league for a record 9th time. Everyone wanted to drive one of those 6 wheeler buggies that the banana-splits had. Tra-la-laa…la.la.la.laa an of course…Rob was born.

Top of the pops was held by Elton John and Kikee-dee's – Don't go breaking my heart.

And this one really tickles me ladies and gents….On the day, Rob was born, would you believe….they founded The Early Learning Centre.

But…What can I say about a man who has come from humble beginnings, who is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others have fallen.A man who is beginning to distinguish himself at the very highest level amongst his peers, and whom no one can say a bad word against……I can't read this ….

I mean, I've been asked here today to praise Rob, not to ridicule him…mind you, I must say, the vote was bloody close!

I think it's much more difficult to praise and only right to ridicule so I'd like to thank Rob for providing me with so much good material over the years to work with although when it came to writing this speech most of it I've had to edit, throw away, burn or hand over to the police to help them with their enquiries. So this is what's left over.

I met Rob through our many watering hole adventures of weekends out and about the town, or Merry Hill and the millennium club as it was back then. What started as a friendly  alright mate, how you doin, what you been upto lately , has now turned out to be a real true mate, who I have a lot of time and respect for, and always enjoy catchin up with over a few pints or 10. What I've got to know about Rob, he's Smart, Handsome, Affectionate (so I'm told),Under the thumb and never allowed out again.

It wouldn't be too far off the mark to say that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated to my right than aTalibanCavedigger. I mean, right now I can see him squirming in his seat and sweating more than Pavarotti on a treadmill. Bless his soul.

I could mention ex – girlfriends, drinking games, parties, bright pink wetsuits, Geriatric hospital wards, specimen bottles and end of night sickness!

I can also say, I know over the years we've been through a lot together, infact we were just saying earlier how glad we were none of them had turned up.

No no no… I've known Rob for about 15 years and in that time I can hardly remember having a cross word between us which I think is testament to a great friendship and for that I thank you Rob and I hope we're still friends after I have finished.

For those of you that don't know Rob, he's now a carpenter. Nat assures me that now they're in their new house he's banging and screwing at every opportunity.

I've spoken to some of Rob's work mates who tell me that he has two nicknames at work. One he doesn't know about ”God”, which apparently most of them use behind his back as no one's ever see him and if he does do any work it's usually a miracle.

Natalie apparently calls him ” holiday boy ” he's good while it lasts but wishes it was longer !

Letters of Apology

To Rob

We're sorry we couldn't make your special day, but felt it too emotional losing a special guy such as yourself, will see you again soon. Love all the girls at theFantasyPalace.

Rob, we could have been so good together I will miss our nights by the pool. Awwight. – Love Michael Barrymore

To Rob and Nat,  Hope you have a lovely day, sorry we cant be there ,lots of love Mr and Mrs Farkin………and the whole Farkin family

Before I wrap this up I'd like to offer some advice for the groom which should be easy for you to remember: Married life can be compared to football. All you need to do is be fully committed every week, and make sure you score every weekend. Also, remember playing away from home will result in Natalie putting you on the transfer market.  

Conclude to the toast

No enough rambling, Love is a reflection of ones own soul into another's, and I also think it's important to remember, love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.

On behalf of everyone here I want to thank you for all the fun we've had and all the fun still to come. Enjoy every hour and thank you for sharing today with us.

I'm sure everybody agrees you make a great couple, and it's been fantastic to be a part of this celebration of your clear love towards one another.

You're among friends who want the very best for you both. Today is your day, Please enjoy it. May your joy be everlasting and your only pain be champagne. 

May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last for ever.

It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Rob and Natalie.

We wish them well for the future. To love, life and laughter; and happily ever after.

Ladies and Gentlemen….Mr and Mrs Hill