Speech by Luke Ferguson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Luke Ferguson
Speech Date: 18/09/2011 16:13:19

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman,

I trust you are all well fed and watered.  I wish I could say the same, but I'm so nervous that it feels like my digestive system has been replaced with a pipe running between my mouth and bottom.  The symptoms of which I'm sure I don't need to elaborate upon!

My name is Luke Ferguson and if you haven't realised already, I have the dubious honour of being one of the best men today.  I can't actually refer to myself as the best man as Gareth felt that none of the groomsmen were deserving of this title.  Arguing that he is “the best man”.

Admittedly, when Gareth gave me the role of making the best man speech, I was surprised.  As a person that has known Gareth for less than six years, and of which only two I have considered him a friend, the timeframe in which I have to share tales of wrongdoing and debauchery is small at best. 

Worse still, I'm a self-confessed computer geek who is socially inept and has a scorn dislike of public speaking.

Arguably, aptly chosen in the interests of self-preservation Gareth!

However, don't worry everyone.  Where there's a will, there's a way.  And after speaking to Denise and Graham and some of Gareth's old school friends, his reputation might not be so intact later!

Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be the Best Man (sorry, best men), however being unaware of my duties today, I decided to do some research on the internet.  One site I found broadly described the best man duties as being – And I quote:

“At the reception the best man should help keep things running smoothly by offering around drinks and introducing people”.

Now – I don't mind the socialising part, but at £3.50 a pint, even between all three (best men) of us, that's stretching our generosity! However, if you're anything like Gareth, you can get drunk by simply the drinking the dregs of everyone else's drinks! Does that remind you of a certain engagement party Gareth?!

Seriously though, in the time that I have known Gareth, he has been a source of great companionship, many enjoyable nights out, and occasionally some very high scoring coursework.

Certainly he is a role model to his peers: smart, hardworking, determined, witty, polite, charming, conscientious, attractive, but that's merely just what I think…

It would be unfair to just use my opinion though, so I decided that it might be a good idea to ask other people what they thought of Gareth.

When I asked his work colleagues, they unanimously referred to him as Godlike.  When asked to qualify this they said – they never see you, you make your own rules and if you do any work, it's a bloody miracle.

In his home village, I understand Gareth is considered somewhat of a local hero.  Rescuing an old lady from near death on his newspaper round only last week.

I also asked Gareth's parents and his old school friends about their opinions of him when he was at school.

Graham and Denise responded that Gareth was always well behaved and hardworking, with this being reflected in many positive school reports.

Now, somewhat disappointedly, Gareth's school friends also described him as well behaved, hardworking and intelligent.  However, his friend Matt neatly summarized this as being, to quote, “a teacher's pet!”.

So, Gareth not being the rebel I was hoping for, where else do you turn to for embarrassing stories? Of course, one's childhood!

Being the youngest sibling I understand Gareth lived under the oppressive regime of his older sisters.  I've learnt of stories of Tracy and Shirley dressing up Gareth and a particular incident where he was covered in talcum powder!

I also learnt of other stories including:

• An incident where Gareth got lost on Weymouth Beach when he was four years old. When his parents found him almost 2 miles away, Gareth simply asked: “where is my ice cream?!”

• Then there was Gareth's beloved teddy bear ‘Tough Ted’ and the trauma that would ensue when his Gran washed it for him!

• Not to mention, his love of bangles and oddly wearing orange nets (care to demonstrate Gareth!? *hand over both to Gareth*)

The most significant story however, is still being written.  That of course being Gareth and Flics relationship.  A story already 10 years long that has culminated in today's celebration and I'm sure many more.

Flic, as I'm sure everyone will agree, you look absolutely stunning today, as do the bridesmaids of course.  Gareth, I have to say, you actually scrub up pretty well too!

Traditionally at this point of speech I'm meant to impart advice upon the married couple.  However as a single man, the advice I could offer on relationships wouldn't exactly be useful.  So my advice to the two of you is to just keep being yourselves.

The two of you make an amazing couple and two amazing friends.  It really is endearing to see such longevity and closeness in a relationship and I wish you all the best for the future. 

I believe a toast is order, so without further ado, can everyone please raise their glasses to the Bride and Groom, Mr and Mrs Preston!