Speech by Luke Ingerson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Luke Ingerson
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen

I'm sure you all agree with me that this has been a wonderful day. However, every silver lining has a cloud and you now have to listen to me make a speech as best man.

You'll be pleased to hear that I'm only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat. Win's threatened to cut it if I go on too long! I did try to memorise this speech, but will have to refer to my notes. Actually I asked for an autocue, but they had spent all the money on this wonderful venue.

First of all,
on behalf of the bridesmaid, Connie let me thank Dan for his kind words.
She does look gorgeous and they've done a great job today. Win, of course, looks absolutely stunning, and as for Dan, well he just looks stunned.

Now what can I say about Dan? He's handsome, charming, witty, intelligent – oh sorry, wrong wedding! (pretend to put speech away; get out another)

I must say that I almost did think I'd come to the wrong wedding today, because I didn't recognise Dan without a baseball cap. In all the years I've known him, I've hardly ever seen him without a cap before. Infact once when we were meeting, I didn't recognise him, as he had a different colour hat on! So I brought this along for him. (give him the cap with I Love Win printed on it)

I was told that my job as best man was very simple. I just had to get Dan here
§ ON TIME – which is a first
§ SOBER – which is unusual, and
§ LOOKING SMART – which is unheard of

so I'm really proud that I managed all three. Just don't ask me to do it again, Dan.

I looked in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a checklist of things to do. Apparently, before the groom went down the aisle I should have:
§ Helped him dress – he should really be able to do that himself by now.
§ Made sure he used the toilet – I sent him in there, but I wasn't going to make sure.
§ Made sure his face and hair were OK – well I ask you, if God couldn't, what hope did I have?
§ Made sure there was nothing between his teeth – or was that his ears?
§ Made sure his flies were done up – that was when I gave up.

There was also advice for the groom about choosing a best man. It said “The key is to find someone who is resourceful, energetic, diplomatic and reliable”. I would just like to say what an excellent judge of character Dan is.

Actually, I do know why Dan asked me to be his best man. It's because I've only known him for 6 years, which means I can't tell embarrassing stories about what he got up to in his younger days.

Of course, I could tell you what he got up to on his stag night, but there's only so much you can say in front of his Missus and I wouldn't want to rock the marriage at such an early stage. Actually, it was a very quiet and sober occasion, and Dan went home to bed and a cup of cocoa at 10pm. Quite how he found his way semi-naked, handcuffed and covered in lipstick on the 2.30am train to Edinburgh is a mystery to us all.

I have had to rely on Dan's account of what he was like as a child, and I can tell you that he was apparently the model son, kind and considerate, never naughty. At school he was exceptionally gifted, a very popular student who excelled in everything he did, be it sports, academics or the arts.

I asked Dan's family if they had any cute photos of the young Dan that I could show. There was a sweet one of him lying naked on a sheepskin rug eating a chocolate biscuit. I was going to have it blown up to show you today, but then I thought it might be too embarrassing because he was 21 when it was taken.

I thought that Dan might be nervous the night before his wedding, but he tells me that he had a couple of beers last night and slept like a baby. He woke up every half hour crying for his mum.

Marriage is a wonderful thing, and Dan you are indeed a lucky man. You've married Win, who is beautiful, clever and loving and deserves a good husband – but you got her first.

By the way, did you know statistics show that at least 50% of people who get married in July are women?

I've got a few messages to read from people who couldn't be here today. (write these out on separate sheets)

To Dan
We could have been so good together
Britney Spears

To Win
We were so good together
George Clooney

From the football team
We found Dan to be useless in every position. Hope Win has better luck.

From Auntie Mavis
Sorry I can't be at the wedding, but please send me a photo of the happy couple mounted

Seriously, I feel really honoured that Dan asked me to be his best man today – and that Win let him – and I think they make a great couple. Now I'd like you all to join me in wishing them every happiness in their future life together.

Dan and Win, may your joy be everlasting, and may all your pain … be champagne.
To Dan and Win! (raise glass)