Speech by Luke McDonough

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Luke McDonough
Speech Date: Oct2004
(on immediately standing and in a semi hushed voice)

-Thats not the first time today I`ve stood up from a warm seat holding a piece of paper in my hand .(pause)(breathe)

-(ad lib) You know its typical, the first time ross has ever bought me dinner and I was too nervous to eat it! (pause)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, when Ross first asked me to be his best man, organise two stag nights, get him to the wedding on time and say a few nice things about him, I felt very honoured but suggested he might be better off with someone else. (pause)

Then he offered me fifty quid.… I said " Ross, I`m a man who can`t be bought, a man of honour and dignity"

Then…………..he offered me a hundred quid…… (pause)
(big voice!)
Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who don`t know me my name is Luke and I`m honoured to be Ross`s best man.

Now if there is anyone else here tonight like me, who is feeling a little nervous and apprehensive then thats because you`ve just got married to Ross Wilson. (pause)

-But seriously now, Ross said if I did a good job and went easy on him tonight I could be best man the next time he gets married as well. (pause for laugh)

-Being new to this kind of thing I was unsure of how long my speech should go on for, after taking a quick straw poll around the room the general response was it should last as long as it takes Ross to make love…… So with that in mind, thankyou, you`ve been a wonderful audience, and goodnight! (sit down and take the applause)

(stand back up)

Thankyou

Seriously though and more importantly, I`d like to start off by congratulating the happy couple, any of us here like me who has been lucky enough to spend even a moment alone in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing one another.

Marriage asks that couples take each other for better or for worse; Ross, you couldn`t of done any better,
Michelle, ………… spose it could of been worse!

I`d also like to echo Ross`s comments and thank everyone on their behalf for coming, sharing and witnessing their marriage day, particularly those of you that have travelled long distances, I know how hard it is to get day release! (pause)

At this point its customary for me to thank the groom on behalf of the bridesmaids Claire and Ally, so with that I`d like to thank Ross for his kind words and generous gifts. They completed their main job admirably, which was getting Michelle here on time – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle. (pause)

On a personal note I`d also like to thank the bridesmaids both of whom look radiant I think we`d all agree, in fact one of Ross`s ushers Matt, has asked me to invite you back to his hotel room later on where he`ll thank you both personally.

(The Key Joke)
Now to avoid any embarrassing misunderstandings in the future Michelle has asked me to say if there are any gentlemen out there who still have a key to her back door could they please return them to me now. (prey the bastards all come up)

When I first thought about what to say it occurred to me that writing a speech is a bit like marrying into a harem .… you know what to do, but where do you begin? (pause for hoped for laughs)

Naturally, in todays world, my quest began on the internet. After a couple of hours I`d found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be searching for best mans speech tips. (pause)
Apparently there are three main roles that I have to fulfil:

Firstly, I had to make sure he got there on time, by making sure he got a good nights sleep last night. Well I can assure you now he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mummy. (pause)

Secondly, to make sure he arrived sober and looking good. Well He`s sober!… I`m the best man.. not a magician!

Finally, I was tasked with ensuring that none of his angry ex-girlfriends showed up to spoil the ceremony. This wasn`t actually too hard as the recent outbreak of foot and mouth disease saw most of them shot and burnt a couple of years ago. (pause)(apart from you lisa, lisa where are you, ahh yes, sorry.)

The 25th of june in 1972 was a momentous day for Ann and Ian Wilson as this was the day their second child was born.
Ross weighed in at six pounds and ten ounces,……… sorry Ross, but your dreams of becoming heavy weight champion of the world were scuppered from an early age.

Unfortunately Ross was born an extremely ill child who suffered severe breathing problems right from the get go,….the science of it is he had a narrowing of the wind pipe below the vocal chords coupled with a web of skin growing across these chords, in short a much smaller gap than he needed to breathe normally, so much as a cold could of closed the gap completely.

At the age of four ross was to be found one sunday lunchtime eating at the castle combe manor hotel, a very posh place which was owned by his grandparents. At the time he spoke in a very high pitched squeaky voice due to his throat problems. Across a hushed dining room, he was heard to enquire in his little piercing voice.. "Is this a dead chicken were eating granny" (pause)

At the age of five Ross`s precarious health took a turn for the worse when he had a serious collapse and was rushed into southmead hospital, as he was fitting due to lack of oxygen. The much needed specialist surgeons could not get to Bristol in time so it was left to an Australian anaesthetist to attempt to perform a life saving procedure.
Using a very fine tube which is usually threaded into veins he managed to enter up Ross`s nose and down his throat past the obstruction, then he forced oxygen into the tube thus saving Ross from permanent brain damage and certain death. So it turned out Australians do have a use!

After this he was given a tracheotomy, and then transferred to Great Ormond Street hospital in an ambulance, with a police escort all the way. Anne has told me she remembers the convoy travelling so fast down oxford street in the rush hour that at one point the driver instructed her to kneel down on the floor and hold on tight!

Ross`s tracheotomy required him to wear a rather ugly collar device which kept his hole open from the age of five until he was fifteen. However as is typical of Ross he never let this hold him back.
Aged five and attending Pucklechurch village school, stories of Ross being very popular with all the little girls there started to filter back to Ann and Ian, and they were soon to find out why.
It turned out that Ross was charging them all 5p a time to have a closer look at the hole in his throat………(pause for laughter)……….so I guess this was the start of his entrepreneurial, and womanising careers!

Over the next few years Ross had to endure several operations to try and right him, all of them failed, some of them almost killed him.
He spent many years in and out of Great Ormond Street Hospital where he received private tuition.
At last at the age of Ten he attended a proper school, the Park School in Bath, where he was to meet his new friend Steve Roberts (say "where are you steve" and point him out) .
It turned out when Steve`s mum one day asked Steve if there were any new boys in his class that year he said " yes mum just one who`s got a bolt through his neck!"

In the course of my research for this speech I did dig up one dirty secret about Ross, it turns out that in his teenage years he was one of the countries leading collectors of smurfs, Ross boasted a massive collection of smurfs well into the hundreds, ranging from papa smurf to the smurfette.
After a while though little ross grew tired of his smurfs, but rather than chuck them in the attic like everyone else he started to sell them off to schoolfriends, however he carefully controlled the supply by only selling them off in ones and two`s, and never letting people buy the smurfs they wanted, so the price was kept artificially high, Ross had succeeded in squeezing the smurf market!……A promising young businessman, I know you`ll agree!

I first met Ross first when he joined King Edwards School in the third year aged 14, we went onto become firm friends in the sixth form, and have been for sixteen years now.
Ross always stood out at school, he would often cycle into bath in the mornings from pucklechurch, a round trip of over twenty miles, no mean feat in itself except ross was the only person at school who used to do it on a tandem bike!
Another memory I have was when Dr Thorn gathered the entire sixth form and asked if there was anyone present who wouldn`t like to be considered for the position of head boy…..… One solitary hand was raised…..… Ross graciously stepped aside and explained he thought everyone else should get a fair chance! (pause)

Now before mentioning Ross`s work career, and I use the word work in its loosest possible sense, Ross has asked me to make sure that there aren`t any of her majesties inland revenue inspectors present……no…….good…..then I shall begin!

Ross left school and then briefly went to college before trying out a variety of jobs. These ranged from restaurant dishwasher to rock band manager. However it was in helping his friend Tim Lucy organise parties to raise money for the charity CLIC that he found his true calling.
After successfully raising thousands of pounds and being awarded medals for doing so they branched out into Karanga, a nightclub promotions company, which is still till this day the most successful party promotions company the south west has ever seen.
This led him to his present day career of dj`ing and promoting UK garage nights.

Now most of you are aware that the stag and hen nights have now taken place, and I`m pleased to report that we all made it back alive. While the hens went on a bit of a jolly to Cheltenham, ross wanted something more refined for the boys, so we took him to tallinn in Estonia, a former soviet republic.
This was principally a cultural trip where we exchanged philosophies, ideas and fluids with the local people.
One of our members, Matt, has a keen interest in law enforcement and so jumped at the chance to liase with the local policeforce. Apparently he exchanged tips on modern restraint techniques and even carried out a thorough inspection of the police stations holding facilities,….… a true professional doing valued diplomatic work for Brits abroad, thankyou Matt!

The reports coming back from the girls night tell of a much rowdier affair. I`ve heard that they were all instructed to wear black wigs,.… all except one that is who refused!…… There`s always one isn`t there!
Just to say a quick thankyou to Lisa for organising Michelle's hen night, thankyou Lisa.

Ross being Ross he also had a full second stag do in Bath which was enjoyed by all. Ross,..… I have a letter here from Jackie at the fancy dress shop. She says that once again she`d like to apologise for the terribly embarassing mixup with the costumes, when Andrew went along and asked for the Elvis outfit she thought he said the elves outfit! She`s so sorry you had to tramp around Bath for 12 hours dressed as santas little helper rather than Elvis Arron Presley.

I`ve got some little bits of advice on marriage for you both here.

Ross- The first is never forget those three important words you`ll have to say every day……………….." your right dear"

-….and secondly ross, it is very important to get on with your mother in law, a friend of mine hasn`t spoken to his in two years,
not because he doesn`t like her, he just doesn`t like to interrupt! (pause)

Michelle, remember that men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it`s your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you`d like to have dinner with.

That said though Ross, I`m told women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which gives you a headache.

So now we have a couple of telegrams from people who couldn`t be here today:

1. Dear Ross, hope you have made the right decision, I`ll always remember the long evenings we spent around my swimming pool,
all my love, Michael Barrymore.

2. Dear Ross, your unique sense of fashion and lively dance routines have been an inspiration to me my whole career, love, H from Steps.

3. Dear Mr Wilson, would you like to renew your annual subscription? from all the staff at Attitude magazine.

(toast)
I`d like to finish by saying its been an honour to be Ross`s best man, and I`m glad he`s finally admitted that I am the better man!

We`ve been friends for sixteen years now, in which time we`ve never argued, we`ve often shared our warped sense of private humour, which has made even the most resilient of our girlfriends quite jealous, sorry Michelle. You`ve been an amazing friend and I Iook forward to knowing you and Michelle for the rest of my life.

So then, Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to Ross and Michelle, the new (big voice!) Mr and Mrs Wilson. We wish them well for the future, and may they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Ross and Michelle.

(sit down, make small talk, go to toilet, go home)