Speech by M McCreadie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: M McCreadie
Speech Date: May2007
[Opens visibly aged A4 paper with dot matrix printer style text on it]
&quotIt was hot. Damn hot&quot, thought McCo- Oh. Sorry, what I've done there is I've accidentally read an extract from Gavin's first Star Trek novel instead of my prepared speech. [Turns to Gavin] How's that going, by the way? Written any of chapter four yet? Only you'd better hurry up as I think the chances of them using it for the next film aren't great on account of most of the actors being dead now… Anyway… [switches papers]

”Evening. You alright?
I'm Mark McCreadie and I'm a bit of a nutter magnet. As I can see by some of you…

Obviously foremost of those nutters, is Gavin Birch, who I've known practically my entire life and has granted me the honour of being his best man on this special and somewhat unexpected day.

I say &quotunexpected&quot, because Gavin was what you might call a late bloomer when it came to girls. He spent a lot of time in his bedroom reading comics… Still lived at home… Was into sci-fi… Never got a lasting relationship… Didn't really socialise… 

[Explain Intriguing Circle game for people to play over dinner]

I recall When we were wee guys all his mates like Mallorca Lee were talking about tonguing lassies like each one was a badge of honour. &quotOh, I tongued her, I nipped her, I tongued her…&quot But not Gavin though, no. Gavin was devoting his time to higher pursuits, like mastering Spy Versus Spy on the ZX Spectrum.
That's his badge of honour.
Stick it on him.
That's the badge of honour he still wears today, that's why he still cannae kiss.
Around the Three Towns they say &quotif you want someone to sexually satisfy a lassie? Don't ask for Gavin.&quot But I say, &quotYou want somebody to stick a bomb in a drawer? He's right here…&quot

So, other than his brief dalliances with a Wiccan or two in later years that means &quotwitch&quot for anybody who hails from Ardrossan… the closest I recall Gavin getting to a meaningful relationship was one time he fell asleep on the lawn and James Greenway walked past and started asking me who this new girl was that had moved in next door. Don't read too much into that though it wasn't so much &quottop of Brokeback Mountain&quot as &quothalfway up Hayocks hill&quot, although he was kind enough to send a card because he couldn't make it. Quite a sweet message, &quotah, wish ah could quit yew…&quot
That's why it was such a surprise when he met Sara, just two years ago and the speed of their relationship, in moving in together, getting engaged and ultimately to family and friends being here today has been astounding to all of us. Or at least all of us who hadn't seen his credit card bill for return flights to Stanstead…

I recall the first time I met Sarah. Well… I say &quotmet&quot.… What really happened was I was walking past our bathroom door and could hear these noises coming through the wall that Helen and my parents house share… I can only assume the two of them were moving furniture or something judging by the sounds of exertion. Although I'm surprised Gavin wasn't more tired later that night when we went out for dinner together as I surmise he must've been doing all the heavy lifting. It certainly sounded like she was faking…

In truth Sara is a lovely person. She deserves a good husband but that's probably something we should have thought of [looks at watch] xx hours ago before Gavin turned up!
I do have to say how lucky you are Gavin. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring and, now that Lestat is dead, will be your best friend.
[intriguing circle is on the back of this card]
And Sara… You're lucky as well as you'll leave today having gained… well… What you've got there is… Uh… Well… How about later on you can have all the profiteroles you can eat, that way it's not been a total waste of a day.

Anyway, I want to get to the meal so it's over in time for Doctor Who to start so I'll quickly make sure I'm not remiss in thanking certain people for their part in the wedding day.

I'd like to start with a couple of people, who quite frankly have had it fairly easy today. All they have really had to do is stand around looking pretty. But it is worth saying that that they have spent a lot of time on their hair, make-up and outfits…and without them, the day just wouldn't have been complete because who else would have carried out the really difficult task of telling people where to sit in church?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Ushers, Brian and Wayne…

I would like to thank the bridesmaids Lisa and Clare whom I'm sure you will agree all look radiant in their dresses. Worth mentioning that the entire colour scheme for the wedding has been specially chosen to be very organic, this is why they're wearing those lovely lavender dresses. Holistically, lavender has a very calming energy, and therefore can be very useful on a day like today for people experiencing stress or trouble shitting.

[opens jacket to reveal intriguing circle]

And on that note, could I ask the guests now to stand with me, and raise their glasses in a toast. I would like to say best of luck to the two of you, I really am absolutely delighted for you both. We hope you have a long and happy future together.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the space year 2007 and I give you Gavin and Sara, the new Mr &amp Mrs Birch.