Speech by M Sanford Casey

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: M Sanford Casey
Speech Date: May 2002

Ladies and Gentleman, I wish to welcome you all here on this unique and special occasion. I thank H for his words, I think it is the first time in his 29 years that he's been able to speak for 10 minutes without any interruption from the women in his family, and it'll be the last time that's ever going to happen, so I sincerely hope that he treasures this moment.
When he phoned me up and asked me to be best man, I new then and there that this was to be no ordinary wedding. First off Harry declared that, “Only a cliff-top in Devon is a dramatic enough setting for my wedding”. This then changed to “possibly a castle in Scotland” and then maybe a shotgun Elvis wedding in Vegas. Then we went back to the cliff idea until finally it was settled on Portugal. I'd like to say that it is a pretty amazing feat that virtually all of our friends and family have been able to congregate abroad like this and on behalf of the bride and groom I thank everyone for making such an effort to be here today. I think it's a brilliant idea getting everyone out here on holiday together and I hope that Portugal and Lisbon are ready for the utter carnage that will ensue from us all being here en mass partying in the sun.
I'd like to turn now and talk a little about the man Chloe has just married and to share with you all some of Harry's finer moments. Many of you will know him as Simon, but I'll be referring to him as H for reasons most of you know, and for those who don't it's because he's a big gay poof and wanted to change his name. As I am his cousin and have known him all my life ,I can vouch that all of the following is actually true-
When he was a kid, H was very outgoing and would take great delight in removing all of his clothes on a regular basis and running around naked in the garden being very loud and scaring the other small children. The only way to keep him quiet was to sit on his head, which I apparently used to do regularly with great amusement being that much fatter than he was.
As a boy his vocal and creative nature meant that blending into normal school was never going to be easy and when he was picked for the school rugby team it became obvious that sport was never going to be that high on the agenda. One of his team mates passed him the ball and as he ran as fast as his little legs would carry him towards the touchline with a look of fire in his eyes, teachers and players alike were aghast as they realized that there was one tiny problem – he was running towards the wrong end and in fact managed to score for the other team. Every one realized that there had to be a better way and sure enough there was. He managed to convince his parents that The School for the performing Arts was the only place for his creative talents to flourish and he'd proudly boast of the layed back atmosphere, the endless string of girls, the merits of being able to now smoke in class and how he was the cleverest and the hardest kid in the school. There were 15 girls to every boy and even the school bully had better diction than Lawrence Olivier so there were no problems with any trouble and the hell of the rugby field had been left far behind. His class photo was a shot of his teacher, some 20 odd girls and him standing there with a huge, huge grin on his face. I was very envious.
As we got older it became apparent that H was slightly different. I'd turn up at his house, there'd be his dad and brother outside in the garage tinkering with the car , he'd greet me in his leotard and mushroom cap and show me his new dance routines to the strains of ‘One vision’ by Queen. At this age he was concerned with one thing and one thing only, enhancing his reputation with the girls, and this he used to do by regularly stuffing things down his leotard, cucumbers, aubergines and was finally rumbled when, on one occasion he used his school jumper as nothing else was to hand.
When he got older he spent many hours desperately trying to get served in pubs and would be regularly ejected on the grounds that his voice hadn't yet broken properly. The task would then fall to finding an off licence, where he could convince them that despite being under 5ft in height he was in fact 18 and fully deserving of the 5 bottles of thunderbirds he'd just plonked on the counter. This was managed with alarming regularity and together we spent many a happy hour clamped to the toilet bowl wondering where it all went so wrong.
Harry has always been blessed with amazing persuasive powers and at home was able to push the boundaries just that little bit further than most other kids. He was the only guy I'd ever met who could convince his parents that the huge home made 3-man pipe sitting in the corner of his bedroom was a “college project mum”, and that the smoke billowing from his bedroom was – “normal for a kid my age” This effortless charm helped him breeze his way through adolescence to early adulthood and I'd always be amazed at his persuasive powers – he persuaded the whole band to grow their hair long and become vegetarian – and we all did…… for 4 years. For several years the band lived together and when one day Harry decided it was time for us all to move out of London to the country no one batted an eyelid, and he conveniently found us all a house just around the corner from his new girlfriend Chloe, which was nice. Living with H had it's moments. Harry going to the bathroom in the morning sounded like he was beating someone up and us all sitting round the table after him cooking us the Christmas vege nut loaf was winder than Brighton Pier ….… One of my enduring images from this period is of him sitting at the helm of his Renault 4 with the hair and John Lennon specs, the rest of the band crammed in like sardines, faces pressed up against the glass, cruising down the motorway at full throttle – 20 miles an hour. The suspension was so low there were sparks coming off the exhaust and we were a policeman's dream in that car. We'd all have to lean in unison going around corners so it didn't flip over and it would regularly take us days to get to the studio.
Looking back at early video footage of us rehearsing, I'm amazed at just how loud and bossy he actually was and armed with a microphone he wasted no time in sharing both his poetry and agenda with the world. His early lyrics were devoted to saving the world's endangered species, overthrowing the monarchy and government, banning money, shooting meat eaters and enforcing mass Buddism and vegetarianism across the globe. As his hair got longer his message got stronger and his onstage persona became a sort of amalgamation of Sting , Bono and Gandi all rolled into one. All of this was punctuated by dancing onstage as if he had a sand crab in his knickers and the utter conviction that this time next year we'll all definitely be millionaires. Later on Harry wrote a song called ‘The Pervert's servant’ which was a song about a woman being enslaved by a man, there to wait on and serve her master. I can only hope for Chloe's sake that in the ten or so years that they've been together that he's managed to work his version of married life out of his system. (Other song titles in this vein include the warm and friendly Baby's on fire, the tribute to the girl he loves – Leather Lips, and the rather effeminately entitled ‘When will I see you again sonny’ , So Chloe I hope that this provides some insight into the man you've just married)
When the band got signed his persona took on a whole new dimension and he declared one day, that as Elton John, Bono and Prince had done before him, he wished to change his name and be known henceforth only as Harrold. Before gigs I remember phrases such as “Darling unless there's a tray of brown MM's and a Chinese garden in the dressing room then I'm simply not going on” and on one occasion “What do you mean you can't fit my wardrobe into the venue? OK OK I won't let it affect my performance”. He successfully milked being the singer in a band for everything it was worth and was always a consummate professional. On one occasion at a gig where nobody turned up and the only living creature in the audience was the pub dog, he came onstage last for dramatic effect, grabbed the mic and much to the bemusement of the dog punched the air and cried “Hello London”.
When we did finally manage to play to an audience one of the highlights was to support Morrisey on tour in the USA and the on-tour antics were many and varied. Highlights included H getting stuck 20 feet up a lighting rig onstage in front of 5000 people, catching his groin on a monitor attempting to perform the splits onstage, arguing with armed customs officials on the Canadian/American border, demanding they let us back in to the country as we're bigger than God and finally H waking up in a hotel room in Vegas with a hangover, a hair dresser called Barry and his underpants on back to front and pretending it was all OK.
On a more serious note Harry has many enduring personality traits, one of the best of which is that he always makes a real effort with all of his friends to stay in touch, include them in his life and just generally be a good mate to everyone he knows. He's always when the chips are down and that's the real test of any friend. He's a talented writer, lyricist , performer and show off and has managed to carve out a successful career in television since Elcka split. Chloe's for her part has always been very supportive and has always been lenient with the challenge of living with a musician, the endless all night jam sessions and coming home to find, for example your bathroom suddenly being used as a recording studio.
Harry and Chloe met at West Kent college some 10 years ago and their relationship has withstood long periods when he's been away and all the trials and tribulations of modern life when you're young. I think that this is a tribute to how much they really love each other and were always meant to be together. I'd like to invite everybody now to be upstanding and wish them a wonderful marriage and life together. (Every one stand) . Ladies and Gentlemen Mr and Mrs Harrold.