Speech by Marc Carey

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Marc Carey
Speech Date: 2002 nov
INTRODUCTION

HELLO EVERYONE! CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE BACK? ..… WELL IN THAT CASE I'LL HAVE A JACK D AND COKE PLEASE.

This is going to be a short speech on account of my throat. Maggie has threatened to cut it if I say anything too rude!

Making this speech is like being invited to go to bed with the Queen – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

A wise man once told me that a good wedding speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love…thank you ladies & gentlemen – & good afternoon (Sit Down)

Actually, I was going to begin with Ladies and Gentlemen

But. Looking around the room I think I'll just start:

Distinguished Guests, Those of Lesser Distinction and those of No Distinction At All, Family, Relatives, New and Old, In-laws and Outlaws, Friends, Friends of Friends, Freeloaders and hangers-on. Welcome To Ian and Helen's Wedding Reception.

It has been a great honour today for me to act as ‘Father of the Bride’. I'd just like to thank Helen & Ian for bestowing that honour upon me… and the 50 quid will come in quite handy so close to Xmas!

Tradition dictates that I should say a few words about Helen as she grew up, however that might be slightly difficult for two reasons… One: I wasn't really there and Two: Helen has never really grown up.

HELEN

However, I can tell you about the time she put an advert in the telegraph that read “Husband wanted” and she had 97 replies all saying the same thing, “You can have mine”.

Maggie actually told me Helen has always brightened up Her life; she never turned the lights off!

Helen deserves a good husband. Ian, you're very lucky that she married you before she found one.

IAN

Before today I took the liberty to congratulate Ian. I said "Ian, you'll always look back on this as the happiest day of your life." …But that was yesterday.

Obviously, some of you may know that Ian works for me and I must say that he is known as ‘God’ at work.

You never see him
he makes his own rules
if he does any work, it's a bloody miracle

ADVICE

At this stage I'd just like to offer some advice to the happy couple

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

“If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
And,
if all it does is …just sit in your house, mess up your stuff, spend
your money, eat your food, use the telephone all night, and monopolise your
Television.…
You either married it, or gave birth to it!

A man was speaking to God.
"God, why did you make women so beautiful?" he asked.
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
Then the man asked: "Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?"
God said: "I did that to make you love them".
The man then asked: "But God, why did you make women so stupid?".
God said: "I did that to make them love you! "

That's about it really just want to thank the vicar for a lovely service if
you want to get hold of him you can find at WWW.GOD.CO.UK

Before we toast the Bride & Groom I would like to ask you to raise your glasses and propose a toast to Absent Friends and family.

It now gives me great pleasure to propose a toast to the happy couple:

Here's to the past, for all that you learned.
Here's to the present, for all that you share.
Here's to the future, for all that you look forward to together.… Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the Bride and Groom,