Speech by Mark Batty

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Batty
Speech Date: Apr 2001
Introduction

Yes I am nervous about giving this speech – This is the fifth time today I've got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.– in fact I am as nervous as Mike was this morning – you left this in the loo [hand Mike a brick]

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and Young Men

Firstly may I say, Mike, thank you for those kind words and may I also thank you, on behalf of the pageboys, Daniel and Matthew who have indeed done a great job today. I'm sure you will agree, Bridget looks stunning and I hope you have enjoyed the day so far [ask Bridge]. It's been an emotional day – even the cakes in tiers

For those who don't know me, my name is Mark and I first met Mike at Polytechnic in Nottingham about 14 years ago and over that time there have been times of joy, times of laughter, times of tears and times of complete embarrassment. Embarrassment often at the Irish nightclub. For those of you who don't know the Irish – it's described as giving you the most electrifying night of your life – and to see Mike dance there you'd think he'd been electrocuted.

Main Part

As you know it's traditional for the best man to make jibes about the Groom and to touch on his faults, but only a few of them. So I drew up a list and made a shortlist of just a few of Mike's faults;
[take out concertina notebook and let it fall to the floor]

Mike wasn't the sharpest pencil in the box at Polytechnic – I remember sitting with him in Pizza Hut one lunchtime, when the waiter brought over his pizza and asked if he wanted it sliced into 4 or 8 pieces. He said ‘you'd better make it 4, I could never manage 8′

He thought Ellesmere Port was a table wine
He thought Sheffield Wednesday was the day after Shrove Tuesday
And
He thought Alfred Hitchcock was a jockstrap

Again at Polytechnic, whilst we were all at lectures, the same lectures that Mike should have been at, he would either be in bed, at the pub or watching telly and he liked his soaps – if it wasn't for Emmerdale Farm he wouldn't have got any fresh air.

We were walking back from the Irish one night and were slumped in a doorway on the High Street when the police arrived asking us who we were. Well we weren't going to give our real names so I looked around at the shops and said my name is Austin, Austin Reid. Paul, over there said his name was Mark, Mark Spencer. When Mike was asked he said it's Ken. Ken what? Said the policeman – Oh, Ken, Ken Tuckyfriedchicken.

With all due respect to Mike's parents, I was like a Mother to him at Polytechnic;

I watched him drink from a bottle
I watched him stagger around naked
I watched him crawl
I've dressed and undressed him
Cleaned up after him
And several times helped him walk
And I've taught him a thing or two, particularly about his taste in women

Imagine the shock when he told me he got engaged – The things that go through a Mothers mind!

I understand that Mike is highly respected at work and is known as God. He's rarely seen, holier that thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

Having said that, Mike is the first to put is hand up when there are jobs to be done in and around the house, as Ian will confirm I'm sure. [get nod from Ian]

In fact here's a picture of Mike helping Ian in Mike and Bridgets garden
[pic of Mike lying with hands behind head]

Here's one of Mike hoovering the house
[pic of Mike on sofa]

Here's Mike having a well deserved break
[pic of Mike reading paper]

And this is Mike suffering from exhaustion after all of that activity
[pic of Mike asleep]

It's great to see Mike letting his hair down today. Especially as it's his hair that's been letting him down in recent years. He'll be pleased to hear that there's a new cure for hair loss on the market. It doesn't grow more hair but just shrinks your head to fit what you've got.

Mike always wanted to be a pilot. He'd probably get a job now for Receding Airlines.

Bridget tells me that the first time she saw Mike he was handsome from afar………….or was that far from handsome? [look at Bridge]

No, the first time they met was when Mike was just 7 years old, having his first cigarette in the woods with a few other people of which Bridget was one. As is often the case he felt ill, as a result, and it was Bridget who looked after him in his hour of need. It was from that point onwards that Mike held a special candle for his future wife and indeed Bridget for him – and who can blame her? [pic of school uniform]

Even as a baby he had a certain gift where women were concerned adopting a cool and sophisticated image.
[pic of beach with shades]

always on the lookout for that special lady and knocking her dead with his killer punch – the sexy wink.
[pic of beach winking]

The years following that day in the woods circumstances split up these lovebirds – It was really when Mike discovered, on a grand scale, the joys of adulthood, namely;

Stella Artois
Benson and Hedges
Doner Kebabs
And the rest is censored

Mike knew, but never admitted to himself, that that little Bridget could never surpassed or even equalled. A desperate man, he turned to lager to give him strength and went in search of a perfect woman. Having sampled the nearly all the ladies in Nottingham his search had to stretch nationwide. This was when he disappeared from Polytechnic for two months during term time. We literally didn't see him for two months while he travelled the country. He got a standing ovation when he did actually turn up after that time. Still unsuccessful he renewed his passport and went to the four corners of the earth visiting Australia, Asia, Malaysia, America and Canada. Downhearted and rejected his final throw of the dice was to publish his plight internationally in the hope that the future Mrs Beese would present herself.
[playboy pic]
I can't understand why it didn't work
As an international playboy he returned home and said ‘Mark, lets go to the pub’ we went and a club in Leeds followed. As soon as we walked in that club, who was there? Bridget – and from that point they were destined to become man and wife – [say something about being fate and a lovely story]

Apparently it's my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the Groom and Mike will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, a passion of his;
Be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday. …
However Bridget assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list

All that aside Mike has been a constant and loyal friend to me through the good and the bad times. He taught me Economics one night in a pub, the night before the exam – I literally didn't have a clue about economics before then and would have failed without a doubt – so thankyou for that. Mike's always been there for support – he's bailed me out of many sticky situations, and again I thank you for that. Mike has been a fantastic friend and l sincerely hope that our friendship will continue – particularly after this speech.

This is a good opportunity to read out a few of the messages that loved ones have sent and from those who were unable to come today. I know that Mike and Bridget would like to thank those of you here who have travelled from abroad and they hope you have an enjoyable day.

[read nice messages]
Jason George will be flying back from wedding in Kenya the day before.
Peter Lucas in London on business
Richard and Fiona Ziff in Australia have business commitments in Sydney

There were also one or two messages from some of Mike's ex-girlfriends [pull out full black bin liner] but I'll only read a couple;

Dear Mike – From all of us at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium – we hope you have a great day – P.S. we have received your annual renewal subscription cheque – with thanks

Mike, I can't help thinking about what could have been – Loving you always – Tarquin

Summing Up

To round off this speech I would like to say that – Mike, you've really pulled a blinder in marrying Bridget. You've found someone who is attractive, funny, smart, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. And Bridget you have found……………….well you've found Mike.

Before the toast may I give you both a few words of wisdom;

Mike – now that you are married you will always have the last say – YES DEAR

Bridget – If you love something – set it free
If it comes back – it was – and always will be yours
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with
If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place…
You either married it or gave birth to it

No seriously, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses, be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr and Mrs Beese – The Bride and Groom – ‘The Bride and Groom’

Could you please remain standing and join me in a toast to Bridgets parents, Ian and Lyn who have organised this day to absolute perfection – to Ian and Lyn

And finally to Mikes parents who's love and support has made Mike a son to be proud of and a fantastic [sorry Mike I can't read your writing here] friend to myself and to many of us in this marquee today – to Colin and Mavis.