Speech by Mark Best

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Best
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Best Man's Speech

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm the Best Man, and my name is Mark "Can I get you a drink". Please don't be afraid to address me by my full name later on. I'm James’ brother and it is my honour to share a few moments with you all today.

Before I begin with James’ character assassination, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank James for his kind words, and I might just add that his thanks are fully justified because they have done an incredible job and look absolutely stunning. Indeed, they are only possibly eclipsed by Claire herself.

I'd also like to say that you're all very lucky that I'm speaking here today, no really you are! I'm only going to talk for a few minutes because of my throat – Claire said she'd cut it if I go on too long!

When Claire learnt that I was to be James’ Best Man she told me in no uncertain terms that she would not be amused if James arrived at the church late and/or hungover. Bearing this mind I took James out for a couple of quiet drinks last night with a few of his ushers as it was his last night of freedom. We got back to the flat and James went to bed and slept like a baby; he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying for his mum.

When James asked me to be his Best Man I was honoured but obviously apprehensive. I decided to buy a book on weddings and in it I found a list of Best Man duties and some very important tasks, and I would just like to read a few of them:

· Bring a chequebook or credit card for the payments that the groom may have forgotten. Which knowing James will be all of them.
· Help the groom dress. Thanks but No Thanks. If he hasn't learned that after 26 years you can forget that one.
· Check that he ties his shoelaces and his face and hair are in order. God didn't put them in order the first time round, so what chance do I have?

Also during my research into weddings in general I looked into the 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony and I think that they can be summarised as follows:
· The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
· The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
· The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think Claire must also have read the same book that as I was looking at because as she came up the aisle today, I'm sure I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

Now let me tell you a little bit about James. I'm not going to tell you any embarrassing stories about James today as (1) I respect him too much and (2) we've only got this hall until around 1am.

James was born on 13th October 1974 in a record time of 40 minutes, and I think that it is true to say that he hasn't slowed down since. At this point I was going to take the micky and say that he was a horrifically ugly baby and that kind of thing, but that part of my speech has been censored, but as I can't say that I can say that the dog did have something to play with for a couple of months.

Moving on, Playschool and Primary School were comparatively uneventful years in James’ life and then he went to secondary school.
As many of you may well know we both went to The Wildernesse School for Boys in Sevenoaks and you'll appreciate that going to a new school with over 900 boys can be a daunting experience. For the first few days most of us try to lie low, keep a quiet profile until we fit in and find our feet, and feel more secure. Not so James!
On his first day he was in a fight with an older boy who had tried to take his packed lunch and on the second day he sorted out two of the boys friends who had been affronted by the besting of their pal. Never someone to put up with bullies, fools or Tottenham Hotspur supporters, James had an interesting time at school.
It is perhaps best that I don't know most of what James got up to at school but it is true to say that he had a good time for the most part and made a lot of good friends, some of whom are here today.
But whilst at school James was a keen if somewhat unorthodox sportsman and excelled in rugby and cricket, the more cerebral side of his schooling however, was a somewhat different matter and may perhaps best be summed up in two comments on his year 9 report card:

English:
Although he tries hard, since my last report this pupil has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

History:
Despite his enthusiasm this pupil catches a train of thought by leaping into the guards carriage as it pulls out of the station. He is a likeable pupil but if he says to me nostalgia is a thing of the past one more time I'm going to hit him.

James has always been to a greater or lesser extent a lucky man. As I'm sure some of you have heard before as a young boy he once stepped on a rake causing it to spring up and knock out two of his front teeth. Although that wasn't lucky, the lucky part was that he found the teeth and the tooth fairy was obliged to pay out. Another time when working at a site in London James managed to fall through a skylight, it is not actually known what he was doing on the roof, but he fell through the skylight, fell 16 foot onto a table and reduced it to kindling and came to surrounded by shards of glass. There wasn't a scratch on him, but I'm told that this is similar to most of his Saturday nights at the Cock Inn in Halstead. However, there can be no doubt that James is a very lucky man in finding such a lovely girl as Claire. He has described her as the kindest, nicest person he has ever met and I know he loves her with all his heart.
I too feel that Claire is lovely girl and deserves a good husband, so thank God James married her before she found one.
As some of you will be aware the Stag Do took place at the beginning of July in Blackpool, the delightful town where a one megaton bomb just wouldn't be enough. On the Friday night we went to various establishments to partake in laddish bouts of drinking and dancing, and one of these was a bar come club by the name of the Tower Rooms. The sign above doors promised that it would give you the most electrifying night of your life, and, seeing James dance you would have thought that he was being electrocuted.
Before I finish I would just like to pass on some advice to James and Claire to help ensure that their marriage is long, happy and relatively free of bloodshed.

Advice to Claire
Claire; James is much like the rest of the men in the Best family. Stubborn, domineering and convinced that his way is the only way. I know that you are a strong willed lady and my God you will need to be. Getting James to comply is much like facing down a disobedient dog, you've got to shout a lot, point your finger a lot and when all else fails hit him on the end of the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Advice to James
I have talked with some of the married men here this afternoon and they have told me that there are 3 rings in a marriage; the engagement ring, the wedding ring and suffering. However, they also gave me some advice to pass on which may make things easier.…
The best way to remember the date of your anniversary in the years to come is to forget the first one, however, you may wish to also remember the date of the first time you went out with Claire, the first time you kissed and the first time you said I love you. Because you can bet that she does.
You should also bear in mind that whoever said marriage is a 50/50 partnership knew nothing about women or fractions.
And finally, in the years to come you will find that just 4 words will save you hours of aggravation and argument; “Ok dear, buy it!”

I have just a few cards that I would now like to read out from people who have been unable to be with us here today:

SERIOUS CARDS

Dear James – From all of us at Madame Thrashards Spanking Emporium – we hope you have a great day.

Here's the final one…
James, I can't help thinking about what might have been – Loving you always – Tarquin.

In closing I would just like to say that although I have taken the micky out of james today, there is no other person I would wish for as a brother. He is my best friend, loyal, loving and kind and I would not change a hair on his head.

Once again I would like to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to be your brother and your best man, I hope that your life together with Claire is long and enjoyable and that the happiest of your yesterdays is the saddest of your tomorrows.

And now ladies and gentlemen if you would like to be upstanding the toast is James and Claire!