Speech by Mark Bibby

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Bibby
Speech Date: Apr2006
As most of you have probably guessed already, I am the best man … However, for those of you who don't know me personally, my name is Mark. It's obviously time now for the speeches.

1) Up first will be the bride's dad, John

2) unconventionally, Neil's dad, Alan, would then like to say a few words before …

3) the groom himself, Neil

4) followed last but by no means least by me!

• If you're still awake at this point … food will then be served!

• The band will begin and drinks will available from 8pm. Some of you may know already but I had some luck on the Grand National today … so drinks are all on me!!!

• I have also been asked to tell you that you need to start drinking up from 11.30pm (no open all hours here you know!) to leave by 11.45pm. And remember that taxis should be booked!

So without any more delay, Emma's dad, John, would like to say a few words.
Neil and Emma have told me that I must read out some messages and cards .…

The first is an email from Kim in New Zealand:
“Dearest Hollors and Whollers (aka Emski and Neil),
Sorry I can't be there to share your special day with you – I would of loved to but I'm with you in spirit, and will definitely be toasting you guys with a glass of wind down under …
(she said you'd know what she meant!!!)
(she continues) Wow, what can I say, in a few days you'll be spending the first 4 days of your honeymoon with me in NZ and my dog Ty (which I now know Neil is allergic too so this will be fun!) Have I also told you that people think this is very weird!!
It's going to be very amusing for me when I pick you up from the airport considering a) last time I saw you both we were all ‘work colleagues’ and b) I've never seen you as a couple…
Seriously guys, I hope the first day of the rest of your lives together has been everything you wanted plus MORE. I can't wait to see you guys down here – I have your ‘honeymoon suite’ all ready and a bottle of wind on chill. Enjoy the rest of your evening and make sure you have a dance to Wham for me aye Em?!
See ya real soon!
All my love,
Kim xxxoooxxx”

CARDS (use real cards!)

I also have some cards to read out for the bride and groom.

• To Neil, “Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you have made the right choice. All my love, Michael Barrymore.”

• Emma, “you are up to the credit limit on your store card. Please make a payment immediately.” That one's from Anne Summers.

• To Neil, “Don't forget us now you're married, please renew your membership.
Lots of love, All the girls at the Angels Strip Club, Soho!”

SPEECH

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, and any gatecrashers and randoms,

1. It's finally time for ME to make a speech now … and quite frankly there's nothing you can do about it!

I must thank you all for coming … especially those of you who knew I'd be saying a few words but turned up anyway!

Mind you, I'm so happy and excited that even I can hardly wait to hear what I've got to say!

To help me with this speech I've taken on board what a great man once advised .… The best man should only speak for as long as the groom can have sex … I had a word with Emma a bit earlier so will keep this really really short!!!

2. Before I begin, I've been asked … (look at Neil and Emma!) well told really, to say a few ‘thank-you's’ and make a safety announcement.

a. Firstly, the bride and groom would like to thank:

Lars and Veronicka who've come all the way from Sweden to be here;

Gillian, whose just popped over from Canada, and

Frances, whose also come from abroad – Aberdeen .… let's hope she hasn't brought down any bird flu!!!

b. Secondly, Marks and Spencers have asked me to let everyone know that Neil's suit is from Moss Bros!

c. And finally, Neil and Emma have also asked that for health and safety reasons, you please refrain from getting up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation! Thank you!

3. I have to admit that I was rather nervous earlier on .… but happily I'm feeling much better now … I'm at ease because I realise I'm in front of my own kind of people … drunks!!!

Talking of drunks, I'd like to thank Dominic for all his help organising the stag weekend in Edinburgh. On the stag do the idea was to fit into the Scottish way of life and embrace the Scottish culture … thankfully, Neil stuck to the theme religiously … he didn't buy a ROUND all weekend! …

Actually that's rather unfair. Neil had previously said he'd buy all the drinks … which is the only reason we went!!!

4. Anyway, moving swiftly on from the stag weekend … [cough, cough…] this afternoon, at the ceremony, I'm sure everyone will agree … the star of the show, Emma, looked absolutely stunning … and the groom looked, well, he looked absolutely stunned.

Actually, it was good to hear Neil getting in a few words of his own in just now ..… It'll be his last for a long time!

Of course, we all know the importance of marriage. There's no doubt it's a massive institution … but then of course so is Strangeways!!!

It's also a very interesting concept, marriage.… It only takes a couple of mumbled words at the ceremony and you're married .… it only takes a couple of mumbled words in your sleep and you're divorced!

5. But, I'm sure Neil has nothing to worry about. You know Neil's been described as feeble, pathetic and a bit of a wimp … and let's face it, a new wife should know!!! That reminds me, did you notice? When Neil was asked ‘Do you take this woman?’, Emma replied, ‘He does’!!!!

Of course, though, today they married for better or worse: he couldn't have done any better …; she couldn't have done any worse!

6. But, I haven't come here to embarrass and humiliate Neil. I've been asked to praise him and not bury him. Mind you, I must admit, the vote was bloody close!!!!

I have to say, it's good to see so many of Neil's friends and family here today, especially those who first met Neil at Essex University. It shows just how highly Neil is thought of …

Nobody thinks more highly of him than me and that'll give you some idea cos I think he's a TOSSER!!!

[address Neil!] In all seriousness, though, Neil, you've been a brilliant friend to me and others over the years.

It's been a great being your best man today, and with all my heart I hope you two have a long and happy marriage!

And, to be honest I felt very privileged and honoured to be asked to be the best man … many of you may have laughed when he chose me as the best man … but you're not laughing now!!!

7. Thinking back to the days at Essex Uni, when we were much younger, … Neil had a dodgy dress sense, a bad haircut and was rather a bore … good to know some things never change eh?!!!!

Happily since then, the lovely Miss Holloway came into Neil's life and today, seeing him with his wonderful bride, I realise what a good choice he's made … I really admire his taste … which is more than I can say for her's!

Of course, Neil and Emma will surely have a lifetime of happiness together …

[address Neil] … You're a lucky man, Neil. Emma's a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband … Thank God you married her before she found one!

But they do say that humour is a key factor in a successful marriage … Emma and Neil certainly share a sense of humour … they have to share it – Neil hasn't got one of his own!!!

8. Anyway, romance began for Neil and Emma at the annual MORI disco … Neil's opening chat-up line as strode across the room to Emma was:

‘Do you come here’?

(a) all the time (b) often (c) sometimes, or
(d) hardly ever at all

followed at the end of the night by:

‘Do you want’?

(a) a night-cap (b) a coffee (c) my phone number or

(d) none of the above.

After this, the romance blossomed and it pretty obvious to me this was the real thing for Neil. I have to say, though, there was a point when I feared for the relationship …

after all, the sight of Neil's house, in Crouch End , full of posters of the 2 Ronnies and every single DVD box set of Dr Who, would have been enough to put most girls off

.… Luckily for Neil, Emma didn't do a runner, and after this I knew Neil was onto a winner.

[ADDRESS NEIL HERE]

I have to say ‘well done Neil’ … you've married above yourself with Emma … seriously though, it's great to see 2 family's from different backgrounds and different parts of the country coming together to celebrate this union of marriage.…

There really is a big difference between the towns where Emma and Neil were brought up …Emma's from the charming Chichester, a Cathedral city, full of history, arts and music … a city twinned with the beautiful towns of Chartes in France and Ravenna in Italy; … whereas Neil is from SOUTHEND, a town that has a suicide pact with Margate!!!

Despite these differences, it's perfectly clear that the bride and groom will last.

9. So, ladies and gentlemen, it's now my pleasure and duty to thank Neil on behalf of the bridesmaids Beatrice, Clementine and Matilda, for his very kind words earlier … it's a real pleasure to act as a spokesman for such a lovely team of ladies …

I'd also like to add my thanks to Neil and Emma on behalf of all the guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed today …

Like everyone, I wish Neil and Emma all the happiness in the world.

As a man who'll drink to almost anything, I'd be grateful if you'd give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in one more toast to the happy couple …

… and for Neil [ADDRESS NEIL] to listen to a piece of advice given to me from some bloke outside earlier .…

Neil – if you're clever, you'll always have the last word .… but if you're REALLY clever, you never EVER use it!!!

I was also told earlier that it's customary for the best man to order the newspapers for the happy couple for their hotel room …

They have requested four posts, one mirror and no observers!!!

So, anyway … here's to our wives and sweethearts
May our sweethearts become our wives
And our wives ever remain our sweethearts.

Ladies and gents, the new Mr and Mrs Wholey …

Emma and Neil.