Speech by Mark Birchmore

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Birchmore
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, as you've now worked out, I'm the best man and my name's, Mark ‘Can I get you a drink?’. So, please don't be afraid to come over and say hello later!

Firstly, I'm sure you'll all agree that Stacey looks absolutely fabulous today and that Chris is a very lucky man indeed.

And, on behalf of myself, Kelly and Bill thanks Chris for your kind words and gifts – the pleasure is all ours.

I'd also like to add my own thanks to Kelly, the bridesmaid, who also looks lovely and performed her duties so well
Also, thanks to Bill for so capably ushering today – just make sure you usher me towards the bar after this speech because I can assure you that I'll need a drink!!

When Chris asked me to be his best man a couple of weeks ago I thought great, nice wedding, food, and so on, and then it dawned on me that I'd have to give a speech. Since then I've had many a sleepless afternoon at work trying to work out how best do justice to two of my best friends

On receiving the invitation, I mentioned it at coffee break and this started the age old argument for and against marriage.
One said, “Marriage is a great institution”, to which there came, “Yeah, but who wants to live in an institution?!”
Another said, “Ah but my wife's one in a million”, and someone else replied, “mine was won in a raffle!”

They also say that a man is incomplete until he is married, and then he is finished……but I wouldn't be so quick to be so cynical.

I was very honoured to be asked to be Chris's best man as I'd seen his love for Stacey grow ever since she was a teenager…(cradle snatcher!!)..and knew this day would come eventually….…
As you know, Chris and Stacey's first child is due sometime around Christmas Day so they brought everything forward and have done a fantastic job getting everything organised as I'm sure you'll agree.

The best man's speech wouldn't be complete without a few choice words about the groom, so, we'll start from the beginning.

Chris was born on 19th March 1971. I did try to link this with some big world event, but, according to the internet, it seems that nothing else happened that day, so I thought I'd ask Fred if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that he might have, to which he replied "Oh do you want the one where he's showing his willy"? But, I'm sorry, even with today's image enhancement technology, no company in the UK could blow it up so that you could actually see anything. But yes, there are some pictures that ought to be shown — here we are……

[PICTURES]

What can I say about Chris after that? …….I've known him for almost 12 years. He's tall,.… dark, ………OH, SORRY WRONG WEDDING!

Well, I actually first met Chris in early October 1988 in Vanbrugh College, York University when we were moving into neighbouring rooms in the hall of residence. I remember poking my head around the door and thinking, God, Bart Simpson's moving in next door (Chris used to sport a spiky'ish flat top hair cut). Anyway, we all got on instantly and almost immediately transformed our rooms and kitchen space into the food-splattered mire of testosterone that was to become our all male corridor on the ground floor – famously known as a Bermuda triangle for pint glasses from the bar, cutlery and crockery from the dining room, and allegedly women's underwear.… wouldn't know about that personally…

Needless to say, 3 full years at university provided the opportunity to forge new friendships, expand our intellect, and, probably more importantly, spend our grants on large amounts of Yorkshire beer and learn to stand on our own two feet!

Perhaps unsurprisingly to some of you, it was in the beer drinking department that Chris did some of his best work and we cemented our friendship. Picture the scene, me, an unassuming Southerner brought up amongst quite country folk, meets Ritzy's regular beer monster from Tyne and Wear. Survival of the fittest dictates only one possible outcome – within a few days we were both averaging 8 pints of Theakston's Best a night in the college bar!!

We'd regularly do a pub crawl (or sprint as it usually turned out) of York's pubs perhaps finishing off in Barnums as it was known then where Chris would regularly leave women speechless with his dancing – by that I mean none of them ever spoke to him.

In our second year, we shared a house with a couple of girls who aren't here today but some of you might recognise as 2 of the well known larger female characters from Viz…..we don't want to see all that nice food again so I left the photos of them at home…..… (well if anyone's into Big and Bouncy..!!)

This was quite an enlightening experience not least in terms of seeing Chris's culinary skills come to the fore – I've never seen anyone since who could ruin Smash packet mashed potato quite like him! He even though coq au vin was sex in a lorry!!
Chris had the last laugh though and proceeded to get a job in MacDonald's – REMEMBER THAT?? (I can feel some discomfort now Chris…you could cut the air with a knife up here!) My only point to make on this is never to order a milkshake from York's MacDonalds as on his last day, this polite young man you see before you did something quite unspeakable into the machine.…

I've always valued Chris's wise opinion and, having had women trouble on numerous occasions throughout my uni. career, like you do, Chris, was always on hand to offer advice and once told me, I should be more affectionate. So, when I got two girlfriends..… and the inevitable hit the fan.. all I got was this .…

[self-taken picture of Chris grinning].… Do you know that all my uni pictures of Chris look like this!

Chris was also a regular university rugby player where the team tried him in various positions and he was useless at all of them — Stacey's obviously been having a little bit more luck!

The 3 years went all too rapidly and here we are, 8 years to the day since graduation still the best of friends.

Whilst researching this speech (yes I did prepare it!) I asked for some of the couples I know for advice and this was their response:
• if you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to everything you say, talk in your sleep
• the most effective way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once

More seriously though, on a personal note, I can honestly say that I've never seen Chris as happy and excited as I have during the past few months. I think they make a great couple and its been real pleasure to share this occasion with them as they start the next chapter of their lives together as man and wife.

We also have some cards and messages from people who can't be here today:

Finally, it gives me great pleasure to ask you to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr and Mrs Birkert. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy and long and happy marriage…..to Chris and Stacey

Can you also join me in a toast to the bride and groom's parents for this special day and to all those who were sadly unable to be with us today…….to absent friends