Speech by Mark Burnett

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Burnett
Speech Date: 04/09/2013 22:15:32

Good afternoon and please allow me to welcome you to the wonderful wedding between Ryland and Lauren. I'm sure you'll agree Lauren looks fantastic today as do I, Just a shame Ryland had to copy my style. And of course the Bridesmaids, who all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. It's been a very emotional day, even the cake is in tiers (?) Id also like to thank the Hotel___________________________________________ for today for looking after us as much as you have. I can honestly say that both Ryland and Lauren will be in your debt forever….and at your bar prices im sure most of us will be too.

Anyone here who has been lucky enough to spend enough time in their company knows what a great couple they are and god only knows how Lauren puts up with Ryland.

May I introduce myself to those who don't know me, I am Mark. And of course I will be doing the best mans speech. As I am a traditionalist I shall accept drinks later on at the bar for doing a good job and of course the chief bridesmaid is in for an excellent night.

First things first, I have been given a few rules and guidelines about what and what should not be included in this speech today…..

Firstly Lauren told me there would be a mixture of ages in attendance today so the speech should suit the entire audience this afternoon. Therefore any sexual innuendos have been removed as I agreed and nothing of that nature will be included, especially anything of huge length which I will immediately whip out.  

Though of course it was Ryland who has told me the most important thing about today, not just with this speech but the day as a whole is as follows. His words were and I quote “you can have any of Laurens friends at the wedding just don't touch my sister” too late for that I guess……….

And of course it goes with out saying Ryland has been very worried that many of the wild nights involving copious amounts of alcohol and numerous women over the last few years may rear their ugly head today. Luckily for you Ryland these stories will stay with me….in this jacket pocket…if anyone's interested.… (Cards in pocket)

Obviously I was flattered when both Lauren and Ryland rang me from Spain to tell me the happy news along with asking me to be their best man. First thoughts…..he must have had one hell of a holiday either in the bedroom or at the bar drinking fartoo much. Secondly, as honoured as I was I did say that I felt the role may be better suited to one of the other guys from work. On his return from Spain he did phone me to say that I was the best of a bad bunch and no doubt later on tonight after a few drinks you'll see why any of that lot over there weren't chosen.

So after much waiting, you've both finally got married, for better or for worse. Which is actually quite apt as Ryland couldn't have done any better and Lauren couldn't have done worse?

So I think it's only fair to give an honest account of Ryland as his best man to embarrass Ryland! Thank you very much to his lovely sister for these little stories!

Aged three he shit him self at the local fete while having his face painted as a clown. Still an occurring problem of his.

At 10 started his dancing career, doing the moon walk at swimming club disco. No doubt we will see some of his moves later on tonight.

At 17 threw up all over his unwrapped Christmas presents, still can't handle his drink to this present day.

And throughout his life Laura tells us could never get him into the bathroom to wash or brush his teeth. And after sharing a room with him in afghan I too can agree with this.

Anyway I think that's enough for now!

I'm sure you have my now had enough of my voice and poorly scripted jokes. So if you may allow to end with a famous quote which I believe sums up both the wedding and beautiful couple today. When homer J Simpson was asked what marriage is like, he responded…”marriage is like being married to your best friend…and lets you play with her boobs” i'm sure this is true in Ryland's case.

All that remains is me to wish them a lovely and enjoyable honey moon. It's nice to see Ryland staying close to his roots and taking Lauren locally on their honeymoonand staying in north Wales. I can only guess that is where they are going as when I spoke to Ryland this morning what they were doing after today he told me he's going to BANGOR for a good couple of days.

All that remains for me to do is ask you to charge your glasses, rise to your feet and join me in wishing the new Mr. and Mrs. Harding a long prosperous and happy life together. Ladies and gentleman please raise your glasses- to the bride and groom.