Speech by Mark Cahill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Cahill
Speech Date: oct 2004
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, WE ALL KNOW WHY WE CAME HERE TODAY. WE CAME FOR A FREE MEAL… AND NOW THAT WE'VE HAD IT, WE ALL KNOW WHY IT WAS FREE. AH NO, I'M ONLY JOKING, IT WAS A DELICIOUS MEAL. I CERTAINLY ENJOYED IT. LETS PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE HOTEL STAFF FOR THE MANNER IN WHICH THEY PREPARED AND SERVED THE MEAL. <APPLAUSE> NEXT, I'D LIKE TO APPLAUD THE BRIDESMAIDS, DANIELLE, EVELYN & CATRIONA. Its apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for an hour, and I'M SURE YOU'LL ALL AGREE THAT THE HONEYSOME HONEYSOME THREESOME PERFORMED THE ROLE SPLENDIDLY . <APPLAUSE> INDEED, PRIOR TO THE SERVICE, THERE WAS A TOUCHING SISTERLY SCENE. THEY WERE HAVING A FURIOUS ARGUEMENTABOUT WHO WAS GOING TO GET TODANCE FIRST WITH THE BEST MAN, BUT IT WAS ALL SORTED OUT WITH BARELY A BROKEN FINGERNAIL OR SLASHED CHEEK… WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT I'LL HAVE LATER ON, BUT I'M JUST AFTER A CHEAP LAUGH. SERIOUSLY, ALL OFF THEM HAVE DONE VERY WELL AND LOOK LOVELY.
THE USHERS .… YOU TOO LOOK GORGEOUS.
NO REALLY, GREAT USHING LADS. <APPLAUSE>
BETA, IT OBVIOUSLY GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT YOU LOOK FANTASTIC….THANKS FOR COMING. PADDY, YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN GETTING SUCH A GOOD LOOKING, CHARMING AND OUTGOING BRIDE… BETA, WELL YOU GOT PADDY. AH NO, I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BRIDE AND GROOM FOR THEIR SENTIMENTS AND I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD AGREE THAT THEY BOTH LOOK STUNNING AND HAVE DONE A SPLENDID JOB IN MAKING TODAY A VERY EMOTIONAL EVENT – LOOK, EVEN THE CAKE IS IN TIERS. NICE ONE COLLIE. VERY IMPORTANTLY, CAN I ALSO THANK THE PARENTS, ‘DAN & EVELYN QUIGLEY’ AND ‘DENIS & MAURA COLGAN’ <APPLAUSE> AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, I'M THOUGHT OF AS PADDYS UNCLE MARIO, NOT BY BLOOD BUT I ALWAYS GAVE HIM GOOD ADVICE. SURE IT WAS ME THAT HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT ‘HE HAS NO RIGHT TO WALK THE ROAD TO TRUE HAPPINESS WITHOUT BETA AS HIS GUIDE’. SURE IT WAS ME THAT TOLD HIM THAT ‘OPPORTUNITY MUST NOT BE LOST WHILE THE GODS SMILE’. SURE IT WAS ME THAT TOLD HIM ‘LOVE CONQUERS ALL & THAT LOVE WAS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS THAT EVEN THUNDER CAN'T MOVE’. IT WAS ME THAT TOLD HIM THAT IF THE SPRING IN HIS HEART WANTS TO TURN INTO SUMMER, BETA'S THE SEASONING THAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR’. You may be wondering why paddy asked me to be best man. well i'll tell you.about a year and a half ago, just after paddy and beta got engaged, myself and himself were at a charity fancy dress. we were both dressed up as jamaicans. incidentallly, in february 1974, when paddy was born, jamaica achieved independence and became a full member of the commonwealth of nations. He turned to me in his best carribeen slur and said.. "You are the best man". i replied.. "thanks man". paddy proceeded to take off his bob marley wig and said.. "seriously mark, will you be best man for my wedding to the effervescent beta?" i asked him why he had chosen me? he said he wanted someone who was young, virile & handsome and who would enhance the wedding photos. so i said to him.. say no more, i'll do it. besides, he said.. "i want someone who is modest." now scene as the best man speech is one of those few occasions in a mans life when hes allowed do all the talking, i'm going to make the most of it. PADDY AND I MET IN SECONDARY SCHOOL WHEN WE WERE 11. WE BOTH WENT TO THE LEDGENDARY ST FINTANS CBS. MY FIRST IMPRESSION OF HIM LEFT A LOT TO BE CONSIDERED. OTHER STUDENTS THAT KNEW PADDY FROM SCOUTS WOULD TAUNT HIM IN THE SCHOOL CORRIDORS MAKING SHEEP NOISES. <DO SHEEP NOISE> CURIOUSLY, I'D ENQUIRE WHAT THIS WAS ALL ABOUT. THEY INFORMED ME THAT PADDY LIKED SHEEP AND THAT HE IS SEEING ONE CALLED WILMA. ALARM BELLS WENT OFF AND NEEDLESS TO SAY I WAS THANKFUL THAT HE WALKED A DIFFERENT DIRECTION HOME FROM SCHOOL TO ME. DAN, DO YOU REAR SHEEP ON YOUR FARM?WAS PADDY ON YOUR FARM AT THE TIME OF FOOT AND MOUTH? RELAX DAN… & BETA, I LATER FOUND OUT THAT PADDY MARRIED A SHEEP CALLED WILMA ALRIGHT BUT IT WAS IN A SCOUTS PLAY. AGED 15, WE STARTED TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER A LOT BETTER ON A PERSONAL LEVEL. AS MONEY WAS TIGHT AND IT WAS COOL TO SMOKE, WE BOTH OFTEN WOULD SHARE A CIGARETTE IN THE SCHOOL CUBICLE BEFORE THE TEACHERS ARRIVED IN. MY BONDING WITH PADDY AT THIS TIME WAS VERY TIMELY BECAUSE PREVIOUSLY TO OUR CIGGIE DATES, HE USED TO LOCK HIMSELF IN A CUBICLE FOR OVER 20 MINUTES WITH A GUY 2 YEARS OLDER THAN HIM THAT HAD BLEACHED BLONDE HAIR AND WORE TIGHTS TO AN ALL BOYS SCHOOL CALLED HUGHIE. PADDYS GAY PHASE WAS OVER! WHAT NEXT? WELL NEXT, AGED 18, PADDY STARTED PLAYING THE FIELD.. DOWN WILMA ,<SHEEP
NOISE>… STOP TOUCHING ME HUGHIE < PUFFY HANDS>. AH NO BUT BEFORE BETA,
PADDY DID HAVE LOVE INTERESTS. HE LOVED STELLA. THEN THERE WAS CHERIE. COME TO THINK ABOUT IT HE REALLY DID PLAY THE FIELD.… BULMERS, VODKA, GIN…HE LOVED EM ALL. IN FACT, OUR FRIENDLY BARMAN GARETH FROM THE BLOODY STREAM IN HOWTH ONCE NICKNAMED PADDY "THE EXORCIST"…". "EVERYTIME PADDY CALLS, HE RIDS US OF OUR SPIRITS". HOWEVER HE DID USE THE COMMOTION LOTION AS A VEHICLE TO GAIN CONFIDENCE TO CHAT UP WOMEN AND WAS HE BAD AT THAT OR WHAT? HE USED LINES LIKE "IF YOU WERE A BIG MAC IN MC DONALDS, YOU'D BE A MC BEAUTIFUL", . SPEAKING OF VEHICLES, HAS ANYBODY SEEN PADDY DRIVING AROUND IN HIS sporty-number OR PASSION WAGON AS HE CALLS IT? I TELL YOU I'D FEEL SAFER IN A CAR WITH RICHARD HILLMAN. ITS NOT SURPRISING THAT WHEN HE WAS YOUNG THAT HE ENDED UP WITH A BAD POLICE RECORD… ‘WALKING ON THE MOON’. NOW I KNOW ITS TRADITIONAL FOR THE BEST MAN TO LIST OF THE NAMES OF ALL THE GROOMS EXES BUT FRANKLY, I FIND THAT VULGAR AND OFFENSIVE TO THE BRIDE. LETS JUST SAY, PADDY THAT 72 TURNED OUT TO BE YOUR LUCKY NUMBER. STICKING WITH BETA.… SHE ALWAYS LOOKS GREAT. BUT TODAY, IF IT WASN'T TOO LATE OF COURSE PADDY, I'D GIVE UP BEING A BATCHELOR AND MARRY HER MYSELF. ROB, YOU'VE BEEN IN MY HOUSE… WOULDN'T BETA CO-ORDINATE TERRICLY WITH MY HOTPOINT COOKER, ZANUSSI FRIDGE AND BENDIX DISHWASHER LIKE A DREAM IN THAT LOVELY WHITE DRESS? <WAIT FOR RESPONSE>. hEEYY, BETAS WELL ABLE TO TAKE A JOKE… sURE SHE TOOK PADDY! WELL ITS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT YOU CO-ORDINATE WITH EVERY ROOM IN PADDYS LIFE. IF YOU COULD ALL IMAGINE PADDY THE BOYO OF 5 YEARS AGO… WITH THE LADS IN THE LOCAL…"I'M NOT GETTING MARRIED", "NOBODY TIES CASSANOVA DOWN" "CHECK OUT THE NEW BARMAID", AT WORK… "YEP, IN ZENITHS NITECLUB THE WEEKEND, WOMEN ALL OVER ME", AT HOME… "PADDY, 2 MESSAGES, JENNY-LEE & CLIOPATRA RANG, THEY BOTH WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE STILL MEETING THEM FOR A DRINK TONIGHT". FAST FOREWARD 3 YEARS, I WAS STARTING TO WONDER WHICH SIDE OF THE FENCE HE WAS ON ALL OVER AGAIN. I REALLY WAS IN SHOCK. sHOCKED TO LEARN THAT PADDYS A BIT OF A FAN OF LEAVING "I LOVE YOU" NOTES FOR BETA TO FIND. oNE EXAMPLE… wRITING "I LOVE YOU" ON THE FROST OF BETAS CAR WINDOW SO THAT BETA WOULD FIND IT IN THE MORNING ON THE WAY TO WORK. BUT THE ONE THAT TOOK THE BISCUT WAS THE TIME THAT BETA FOUND THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" WRITTEN ON THE LAST SHEET OF TOILET PAPER THE NEXT TIME SHE WANTED TO USE SOME. MIND YOU, I DON'T THINK SHE WAS THAT IMPRESSED CONSIDERING WHAT SHE DID WITH IT ONCE SHE READ IT! It is clear why paddy behaves like this around beta. she is beautiful, intelligent and very, very caring. aND DESPITE ALL THE LESS THAN COMPLIMENTARY THINGS THAT I'VE JUST SAID ABOUT PADDY, HE IS A TOP GUY. BUT MORE THAN THAT, HES BEEN A BRILLIANT FRIEND WHOS HELPED ME THROUGH SOME REALLY EMOTIONAL TIMES THROUGHOUT MY LIVE. TODAY, I'D LIKE TO THANK PADDY FOR THAT PRICELESS FRIENDSHIP WHICH I'VE ALWAYS TREASURED. BUT FOR THE RECORD, THOSE LESS THAN COMPLIMENTARY THINGS STILL STAND. NOW THE ONLY ADVICE I HAVE FOR PADDY NOW HE'S GOT A "WIFE FOR LIFE, WIFE FOR STRIFE".. HERE GOES… " WOMEN LOVE SILENT MEN – THEY THINK THEY ARE LISTENING". and for beta… remember, you must let him ogle. if he doesn't look at other women, how is he supposed to know how pretty you are? Now, as we're near the end of my speech, there are obviously 2 very important people today who we all have the utmost respect for and quite honestly with whom we couldn't do without. at some stage of the evening, we will all be with them sharing with them this special day, and if you would all stand for me now, i would like to make a toast to them.. – to the bar staff! some of you might know, i'm a big elvis fan. bruce springsteen once quoted… "there have been pretenders, there have been condenters, but theres only one elvis presley". "there have been pretenders, there have been contenders, but there is only one paddy & beta colgan". I would like to thank you all for coming tonight and sharing this special occasion with paddy and beta. i've known paddy for several years and am very happy to see my good friend get married to such a great girl. ever since paddy and beta met, they have been inseperable. i have seen their love for each other grow stronger & stronger & through tough times. tonight, i would like to offer paddy & beta an old irish blessing… paddy and beta, may the road rise to meet you, may the sun shine warm in your face, the rain soft upon your fields, and until we meet again, may god hold you in the hollow of his hand.

thank you paddy for being such a good friend over the years. i wish you and beta the best of luck in the future. and finally, in closing, to paddy and beta, : may all your ins and out , & ups and downs be between the sheets. slainte/cheers.