Speech by Mark Cahill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Cahill
Speech Date: Nov2004
Buenos Tardes everybody. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Mark Bestman. Today, I will be performing 2 roles, one as Best Man and one as toastmaster. We'll have 4 speakers today. In the red corner, representing the Mc Keons, we have Fiona's twin brother, Colin. Next, representing the O’ Briens, we'll hear from Andrews father Bart. Then myself and last but not least, Fiona, whos gorgeous. Firstly to get the ball off the tee, it gives me great pleasure in introducing the master of disaster, clap loud & clap proud for Colin mc Keon.<APPLAUSE>
Next off the tee, another golfer from Sutton. Can we extend our applause for Bart O’ Brien.<APPLAUSE>

Ladies & Gents,

I'd like to echo the sentiments of Eamonn & Bart (summarise).<APPLAUSE>

When Andrew asked me to be best man, I thought shhhh-uper. I was both delighted and honoured though I must confess to being a bit nervous as I stand here before you. However Mark Finnerty gave me a tip. He said “Mark, Just imagine your entire audience is naked”(Touch nips, eyes pop out). You can all get dressed now. Have I mentioned how gorgeous Fiona looks today? Clap for you can see its true. If you can't, sit outside with Stevie Wonder. C'mon. Rennee Russo eat your heart out. Who's a lucky boy then? Not me. Although we have a gorgeous Matron of Honour in Orla, Brett won't let me fulfil customary best man duties. Aaah. Booo. 3 cheers for Orla. What about the page lads, the ship would never have left the dock without Coady & Mark, 2 brats at the best of times but today the two men showed their steel by doing a really bionic job. And they too deserve applause. Our flower girl Meghan, you were fantastic today. Padre Raffae, the church looked outstanding and your service had us hanging on your every word. Muchos Gracious. A final round of applause to Pat the 1st and Pat the 2nd. These are the modest behind the scene stars of the wedding. But theres no room for modesty here, give it up for the yummy mummies who have done an outstanding job.
Pookie, like a lot of us here, including his spunky bride Fifi hails from Sutton. Although Pookie & Fifi are only together 2 years and 2 months now, he was always there for Fiona like perhaps her guardian angel. 21 years ago, he attacked Fionas brother with an axe because Andrew felt Colin didn't treat Fiona with the respect all sisters deserved. His Auntie Flo grounded him but he escaped through the garage door with an axe. How else could he guard the woman he truly loved? The price Andrew paid was very hefty for an 8 yr old in that he was made to give his favourite star wars figure , which was Luke Skywalker, to Colin as compensation. I'm sure Andrew sees his actions as a means to an end as today its clear that Luke Skywalker has finally found his Princess Leah. I'm no Chewbacca, I don't have the hair. I'm more of a Darth Vader. And I'd like to say to Andrew on the biggest day of his life so far “ May the force be with you”. You'll need it. I'm only warming up.

So Andrew grew up, excelled in his studies in civil engineering and guessing that someone of Fionas sheer class wouldn't even look at him, he packed his bags and went to livc in a monastery in Chicago for many years thinking he could forget his only true love. It wasn't to be. He came back to work as as head barman in a bar in Howth called “The Stream”. He was the unhappiest barman in the world and nobody could put their finger on why. How could this story ever have a happy ending? Enter : Mark Bestman. Lets face it, if it wasn't for me, none of you would be here and looking as tanned and lovely as you do. Collie over there would be slaving over a hot stove. Finno would be laying carpet. A lay is a lay. Lizanne would be in Copper Face Jacks smooching half of the Mayo rugby team. And as for Andy here, he'd be sat at the bar crying into his pint and telling some aulfella whos deaf anyway how he finds Fiona mc Keon so unapproachably good looking and that he hasn't got the bottle to ask her out.

It all started on Friday 23rd February 2001. Mark Bestman was out on the pull in Dublin City Centre and as usual he pulled. She was a Svedish girl. Her name was Magalina. I brought her home for a nap. Next morning, I heard the pitter patter of my sisters moving around the house. I opened one eye and believe me one eye was enough. The sun screetching through the blinds exposed Magalina for what she really was.… Only a 9/10. I had to get her out without my sisters seeing that I had let my standards slip. We escaped unnoticed. The bus stop was outside a hotel a mile from where I lived. Just before we got there, the insatiable Fiona drove by and gave me a sexy wave. I told Magalina to wait at the bus stop while I just went into the hotel for a quick pee. When I got there I rang the adorable Fiona and demanded that she pick me up from the front door of the hotel so I could make my Rob Fallonesque cowardly get-away. Magalina, sweet Magalina, I've seen Magalina many times since out and about in town. She always ignores me which is completely acceptable because lets be honest, shes only a 3/10.

So I owed Fiona a favour and being the great friend that I am and scene as the pubs were open, I decided I'd pay her back immediately and bring her for a drink. And guess which pub I brought her to. None other than the pub where the unhappiest barman in Dublin worked. I said, “We'll easily get a seat because the unhappiest barman in Dublin seems to depress all the customers.” Do you all know that Andrew is a talented boy. Later he might show you his fantastic ability to touch his tongue of his nose. His tongue was on the ground when Suttons finest walked in. From the moment I walked into The Stream that day, I knew there was soething magical between myself and Andrew. There was.. Fiona. Fiona went to the toilets and Chicago boy here starts telling me that my girlfriend is awesome. And I'm there, “Yeah man”. And, seen as Fiona, whos known to be “far too outspoken” like Julie Andrews of the Sound of Music told me she fancied Captain Von Trop behind the bar so I suggested to him that Fiona is single but it wont be for long. Certainly wasn't, when our Fifi came back, Andrew put on his best Chicago AXE-AXE-acccent and proposed “Do you wanna drink some shooters with me at the bar later on”. I had repaid my favour and when the curtains drew again later that night, it was only Fiona and Andrew. By the way Andrew, you didn't have to get Fiona drunk on shooters or chat her up for four hours before kissing her to Madonna – Crazy for you. She would've kissed you a lot quicker. You see Andrew, She always fancied you too. Today, ladies and gentlemen, Andrew isn't the unhappiest barman in the world. Hes the happiest construction engineer in the world. Its true what they say that “Behind every great man, there has to be a great woman.” Which takes me to Fionas predessor,.. your mum. Pat the 2nd told me stuff I never knew about you. For example, I never knew you got plastic surgery to make you look like Martin Johnston, your favourite English rugby player. Believe it or not guys, apparently Andrew was not a pretty baby. In fact he was the only baby in Dublin to have shutters put onto his pram. Yeah, he was so ugly that 30 years ago when he was born, the midwife slapped his parents. But that was 30 years ago. Lets deal with today, hes no Colin Farrell, and with a face meant for the radio… OK, enough, on a sincere note, Andrew, over the last 3 years I've really gotton to know you as a person. Well, you're a handsome man with a heart of gold, a man that can be trusted and we're a rare breed and you're a man that I know will make a great husband to Fiona and one day a fantastic father.

I'ver known Fiona 15 years now and shes always been a looker. Fiona, you look exceptional today. The one thing I love about Fiona is her openness. She'd talk comfortably about anything and shes not afraid to always be honest and speak her mind if she has to. Shes confident and self assured and good for you Andrew, she knows what she wants. Shortly after I met Fiona through one of her famous brothers, Collywobbles, I recall her asking “Am I good looking?” Being the shy teenager, I sat on the fence like I always did back then and said “You're alright”. You're more than alright. Since I failed to give a respectable answer back then and I apologise for it, please let me steal the words from the Great Nelson Mandela. “Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?”… all those things and more. Did I mention that shes clever too. Yes, the stag. Prior to the stag, when I told Fiona that we were going to bring Andrew out for his final fling before pure monogamy, she replied “Don't worry, his gun will be empty before he's allowed leave for the stag” and it was, wasn't it Andrew? And with Andrew being a big Clint Eastwood fan, the last thing he said to Fiona before leaving for the stag was “Honey, did I fire 6 shots or only 5?” Well, we all like to brag, don't we Julio Inglasis?

Now, I'm supposed to share my thoughts on marriage and pass on my wisdom. I'm not married myself but I'm sure the right girl is just around the corner unless the police have moved her on since then. Fiona, don't leave Andrew in the doghouse too long or he might he might give his bone to the dog next-door. Andrew, take a leaf out of Liam Gallaghers book. Never go to bed angry. Always stay up and argue.

But back to more sincerety before we toast the happy couple. You only have to look at their faces to realize that getting married was the right thing to do. I am extremely honoured to have played a long part of such a great day. Fiona and Andrew have expressed their love and devotion to each other in the ultimate way. I call that significant. Lets show your appreciation. I have 3 toasts to make. First, To the Bride & Grooms parents. Next, to absent friends. To Spain & Majorca. Viva Espania. And finally to the bride and groom. Down the hatch to a striking match.

Our next speaker in the fourball is the very grand bride Fiona. Can we please give rapturous applause followed by silence so Fiona can be heard. <applause> Summarise and urge audience to enjoy rest of wedding and dance yer brains out.