Speech by Mark Cowan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Cowan
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls,

On behalf of the bridesmaids Katie, Natalie, Stephanie and Vanessa, I'd like to thank Phil for his kind words and I think everybody would agree that they all look gorgeous and have done a splendid job this afternoon.
Also thanks to Eva and Mary the flower girls and Archie and Daniel the
pageboys in helping to make today a very emotional event – look!
………..Even the cake is in tiers.…

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mark, I'm Phil's big
brother. Thanks Phil for doing me the honour of asking me to be your best
man and for making me a complete nervous wreck over this speech.…

Before I go on and talk a little about Phil I have a few messages from
people who were unfortunately unable to be with us today.

Dear Jo and Phil, Congratulations on your marriage today.
Welcome into the family Jo, unfortunately I am unable to be with you today
but my thoughts are with you both.
That's from Phil's Granny, Margaret

Jo's GRANNY MESSAGE Evalyn

Right… ,,
It's at this point that I'm supposed to dish the dirt on Phil and publicly
humiliate him.
At the stag weekend, I had the opportunity to ask Phil's friends about the
things he hasn't told his mother… none of which I dare repeat in
public…,,
here are the notes I made instead and maybe you can ask him later.

When a British School of Motoring driving instructor ….,, speeding
fine.
What really happened with the Skoda on the Isle of Wight?
Diane – headlights – her Dad – and tits… or should I say large
breasts……,,

I think I'll stop there…….[grin to Phil]

Being honest, ladies and gentlemen, there is no real dirt on Phil either
that or he's kept it very secret!
As one of Phil's good friends said: "He's a straightforward, honest kind of guy, he's: handsome… Witty… Intelligent.. Charming… Good Looking…Per..Per.. Sorry Phil, I had trouble reading your writing there….,,

What I can say for sure to you all is that Phil's GOT VERY BIG FEET ..…
with awesome pulling power. When he was out with his mate Keith at an old
haunt called JR's, two girls tripped over those big feet, and one of them,
Vanessa, is now Keith's wife.

So what are Phil's other qualities? Before he met Jo, he couldn't even boil an egg and was a stranger to the washing machine. Indeed, our mother even apologised to Jo when they first met for his lack of domestic skills.

Phil is now a capable, loving father – and as of today, a husband – who
cooks, cleans and irons. This is all thanks to Jo. Archie is very lucky to
have them both as parents.

Now, before I move on to the toasts I would like to offer you a few gems of advice for married life.

Never go to bed angry…,, always stay up and argue.
Always remember those three little words….,, "You're right
dear".
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it ….,, just
once.

And lastly, a definition for the word ‘argument’:….,,
A discussion that occurs when she's right, but you just haven't realised it yet."

Now I'd like everyone to be upstanding for a toast:

to all those, both friends and family, who for whatever reason are unable to be with us today. ABSENT FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

Now if you'd all sit down for a minute, I have a few bits of boring
organisational stuff to tell you before the final toast.

After I've finished going on… and on… the festivities will continue in
the barn over there [—–>] where there is a bar – mines a Guinness by the way.
For those smokers amongst us, there is a smoking area on the patio outside.
This room is going to be converted into a crèche so that the kids can have
some sleep if they want, so please stay in the other barn unless you're a
sleepy child.
And I know it's a bit soon to be thinking about food again, but there will
be a buffet for one and all starting at 8:30 tonight next door.

Finally, today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well.
Being human they will have their disagreements.
Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad.
Yet I know today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come.
Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to stand and raise your glasses.…

I give you: THE BRIDE AND GROOM.