Speech by Mark Crompton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Crompton
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Intro

Well to be honest Simon I thought you would have spoken for longer today..… as that was probably your last opportunity to speak for any length of time without interruption.

Not that I'm saying Helen talks a lot!

Afternoon everybody…..or is it evening..… seems so long ago that we started these proceedings.…

For those of you that do not know me my name is Mark

Although I'm sure you'll have a few other names for me after I've finished this.… Although BIG NOSE is a little obvious!

Also just a little soundcheck….Can hear me at the back????

Good then mines a larger!!!!

Well…I hope you've all been having a good time and enjoyed yourselves so far……… Good …..but as they say ..… every silver lining has a cloud..… and I'm afraid it's just got overcast!

I must thank Helen's parents for their hospitality today and that really did look like a splendid meal……..…

although I'm afraid mine should be just be hitting Davyhulme Sewers around .… About..… now…

Response to Simon's Toast To Bridesmaid

First of all may I re-iterate and thank Simon for his complementary comments to the Bridesmaids, who have done a splendid job today at looking wonderful.

Although..… No-doubt my sister has already told you this……

Read CARDS / TELEGRAMS here!

“Don't forget dear ..… the slightest ill treatment and you come home to Mother!

Closer Look…………… Oh!! Its for Simon!!

The Main Event

Okay then.… Now for the real stuff…

Well as some of you will know I had the honour of having Simon as my best man,

well that was until I heard his speech……

From Simon's comments Oliver Reed had nothing on me…

So as you can imagine …I was more than happy to take on this fine honour
although having said that ………

Although having said that, Jean did take me to one side recently and asked me not to go on to long about Simon's drug habits…… well to be honest I didn't realise he had one.… So Jean I promise not to mention it!

Well… I've known Simon Alexander for around 32 years and he was born on the 28th July 1968, at Stretford Memorial Hospital and weighed in at 7lb 4 oz.

I am reliably informed that this was a beautiful sunny Sunday morning – and also that Simon has had a Sunny Disposition ever since..…

of course only a Mother could say this.…

Also I am also told that Simon developed a habit of sucking his thumb ..… but Jean wouldn't be pushed on the age that he actually stopped.… As she said he may be embarrassed….… When I explained that was what my role was all about she relented!

15!

For the historians amongst you a snippet of other things happening that year.…

Ø 747 takes first flight
Ø Wimbledon tennis opens to professionals
Ø The first Kodak Instamatic Camera's are sold

Oh and one that will hopefully be of use in the future

Ø Scientists devise the epidural!!

Right then.…

I know its traditional to share with you the time when the happy couple first met.…

but I've racked my Brain for that fist meeting and I really can't remember Simon referring to Helen as ‘Hot Stuff’!!

Although they would have only been about 5….!

From this first meeting at infant's school they would have lost touch with each other as Simon went of to the Dizzy Intellectual heights of UGSB.…

Simon excelled in all the subjects he took here, although it was unfortunate that the examination board didn't share his belief.…

& I do remember his parents sharing with me their fear about his future and exactly what he could do with Home Economics and Needle Craft?

I guess some of his performance at school could be blamed on myself, Timber & Phil as we all used to knock around together

playing football on the park…….… as Simon watched on perfecting daisy chains, as you see it was always a struggle to keep Simon interested!

As Simon is (obviously) older than us he started to take an interest in the opposite sex a little earlier than we did..… this became noticeable as he started to take more of an interest in his hair .…

Developing a ‘Human League’ style flick, which his Sister Suzanne enhance with a little colouring …… which ended up almost a golden patchy colour

The words ‘Babe Magnet’ do spring to mind..… but alas not on this occasion…

Soon after this makeover we called around one night only to be informed that Simon had set off on the biggest mission of his life

This mission… to attract one of the opposite sex down the local park.… Classy!

Unfortunately, as with his exams he had little success here & was back bowed head (minus the flick) to play football less than a couple of weeks later..… of course we welcomed him back with open arms ……..…

well we hadn't had a goalie for two weeks!

So what else can I tell you about the boy Simon….…

The Driver

Well Simon is very proud of his driving abilities – as I am sure anyone who has been a passenger of Simon's ..…

I'll not say he's fast.… But he came mighty close to the dreaded 12 points

Of course, none of these were his fault because as we all know Simon is never wrong..…

However, his case fell apart when he got his first points….…

As his solicitor pointed out..… Taking over an unmarked Police car chasing another speeding car is a little indefensible..…

Oh and for those that didn't know…… guess how many times it took Simon to pass his test???……Yes that's right 5 Times……

Remind him of that next time he's telling you how to drive!

Simon the Footballer

Ahh Simon the footballer..… as I mentioned earlier it was always hard to keep Simon's interest when playing football..…

I was reminded recently of Simon's venture's into Sunday League

Picture the scene Simon's on the bench it's the semi-final of the cup and Woodsend Villa are 2-1 down…

there's ten minutes left on the clock….… Legs are tired and all eyes look to Simon.…

His response I don't want to come on and get dirty with only ten minutes left..…

Nicknames

He's had a few Nicknames along the way ..… Scotty is an obvious one.… Another polite one was ‘Sonic’

On account of his Hedgehog type haircut in the late eighties/early nineties……

oh you've still got it!

Simon most obvious attribute has got to be .… Well you see if you can work it out!!

Simon and myself have been in a few scrapes over the years and we have both usually enacted the same response with all.…

I have usually crapped myself and Simon well.…

Ø Well when we were around 8 or 9 I got chased by the local Punk round Davyhulme Park… Did my friend Simon rush to my aid no he just looked on laughing.…
Ø Later when we were in our early twenties we were reminiscing and wandering around our old Junior school, unfortunately this was around 2/3am, the school had just been robbed… and the police were now in attendance and had just spotted us…
Well they requested us to stay where we were, or they'd let the Dog go! Me brave sole that I am and thinking this was a scene out of Miami Vice Stuck my hands in the air!!!

I looked to see what Simon was doing..… and he wasn't there!
My friend had well…… legged it.…

Split second decision required here and I followed suit

Somehow evaded capture and took refuge in a garden……

Where I did as always did.… And well Simon LAUGHED rather uncontrollably

Ø Around about the same time, on a week away in Gran Canaria Simon lost all of his money within an hour getting there after taking a dip in the sea …… what did he do …… laughed

Ø Unfortunately on returning from this Simon crashed his Nova GTE causing considerable damage..… however he somehow found this hilarious as he recounted the story to me later that day.…

Ø Oh and the.… Well I think you get the jist of his other nickname laughing Boy!
I guess Jean was right about that Sunny disposition!

And well now Simon has also been a helpful friend over the year's

One particular incidence springs to mind.…

I was taking a phone call one-day some years ago when Simon grabbed the phone off me thinking I was talking Joanne, who I had just got back together with..… and he straight away welcomed her back into my life .… Nice guy!

Although… He couldn't understand the horror on my face when he handed the phone back to me..…

It was in fact a current girlfriend who I hadn't got around to telling yet…… he'd just done it for me.…

What did he doo on this occasion…… Laugh oh No!

No he hid in his bedroom while I got knocked around the Kitchen

Now then.…

Despite his last of success down the park, Later in life Simon perfected his attraction techniques, attracting his first girlfriend by falling asleep in a nightclub and allowing her to stick matches in his hair .…

Always said he had strange sexual preferences……

It was probably around this time that Simon's first seeds of attraction were laid for Helen.…

By this time we Simon and I were living together.… (Steady!!)

We were also frequenting the Station Pub at weekends and most other days

Well one particular night, around Xmas, my sister and Helen came in after a days shopping trip, which somehow included copious amounts of wine.… So Helen was a little worse for wear and free speaking…

Well during this trip Helen had decided to check her measurements… you know what I mean.…

And with the effects of wine kicking in… proceeded to tell Simon…

At this point his eyes glassed over and I could see his imagination taking control…

But unlike Simon I am not one to share intimate secrets will all and sundry!!!

As I mentioned Simon and I lived together (Steady!) for about 5 years… of course in this time plenty of interesting things happened which I could relay to you…

Strange noises / movements in the night… and that was just our ghost!

Alas as the marriage has not been consummated yet (Has it?) I will have to leave these for another occasion.…

Although I can share a with you a few things that will help you to understand the man…

Take note of what I said earlier..… we did live together for 5 years……

In all that time Simon cleaned the house/bathroom…… on three occasions!

I suppose I should be grateful it was once more than he washed his sheets… No Joke!

This was same number of times he bought any beer.… Out a possible 260 weekends, but hey who's counting!

And

It was one more than the CD's he added to our collection of 502!

And those……..… Robson and Jerome I & II

I'm sure things have changed now and Simon has certainly transformed the house from what it was .… And might I add made a wise investment…

However, I am comforted by the agreement I got Simon to sign on the Stag Doo.…
Oh you don't remember!

Which brings me nicely to the stag doo……..…

Hamburg, 7th – 11th June 2001!

What a beautiful city Hamburg is..… you know the scenery we saw on the journey from the Airport was breathtaking ….… It is of course a little known fact that Hamburg is the greenest city in Germany.…

Later on we passed by the huge dock area, where I am led to believe there is a thriving Fish market.… One of the busiest in Europe!

What!

It was a quiet weekend………..… and we went nowhere near the Reeperbahn!

Ok… I can tell you that…

Simon was fortunate that are timing was just minutes out…

We dressed him in Playboy Bunny Girl Outfit ..… fortunately for Simon we missed Hamburg's annual

‘Gay Love’ Parade …………… by minutes……

Although he still managed a few admiring advances and a pinched bottom…… but that was just ..… his friend…..Jim!!!

I'm sure if you give the guys enough drinks you'll get a taste of what else went on….!

On a serious note we are today seeing out the last true bachelor from the group and it is truly a sombre/happy occasion.…

AND I have been asked by those brave friends of mine to say to their wives that weekends away are still on the agenda……………..PLEASE!

As I said earlier Simon had an extensive CD collection of 2 … although I think I can be confident that another artist has been added to this since Timber and I had our 30TH Party.…

The word on the street around this time that Simon had the ‘Hots’ for Helen and this was to be the night when he would try to woo her.

The party was a fancy dress and Simon came as a Billy Idol! and his outfit
Revealed his torso for all to see (especially Helen)…

And believe me it was ‘Hot in the City’ that night

And Ladies and Gentleman this coupled with his now perfected ‘Tribal Love Dance’

Was more than ANYWOMAN especially Helen could resist.…

You see Simon's dancing defies belief

You've heard the saying that the Bumble Bee it shouldn't be able to fly.…

well the same logic applies to Simon's legs and his dancing.…

So Ladies just remember later tonight.… Do not focus to long on his feet.… He is now a married man..… and you wouldn't want to be captivated

If you don't know believe me watch out for those moves later tonight (I mean it there well….… Something else….)

Anyway

Now on a serious note I did take time out on the stag doo to make sure Simon was taking this step for the right reasons….…

I asked him to tell me exactly why Helen was the one.…

He mulled this over for a moment and looked me straight in the eyes and said with true sincerity

‘Mark I am marrying Helen for two BIG reasons.… And added further that they do offer a magnificent view on every occasion.…

Tom..… those seats at Old Trafford were A wedding Gift weren't they?

No seriously.…
Before I go I would like to share my picture of Simon and Helen in the morning after the wedding night. Simon will call down to their hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice.
For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.
The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs Scott might want something more substantial
To which Simon will probably reply
‘No that's ok I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"
Ladies and Gentlemen please..… settle down…
Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride's parents for this special day. Thank you.
And while you are all standing I've just got a few last things to say..…
Simon you are an excellent friend and it's been an honour to be your best man. I wish you and Helen all the very best for the future.
If everyone could now join me in a toast to Mr and Mrs Simon and Helen Scott.
Congratulations!!!