Speech by Mark Elliott

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Elliott
Speech Date: May 2002
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen.
I'm sure you'll all agree that the lovely service this afternoon was quite a moving experience. So much so, even the wedding cake was in tiers! They don't get any better than that, so you all might as well laugh anyway! I'm the best man and for those of you who don't know me I am Mark, Nigel's brother.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers I would like to thank Mara and Nigel for their gifts and compliments. Also on behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers, I would like to thank Nigel for his kind words. As I am sure you will agree, the bridesmaids look absolutely wonderful today, so lets hear it for the bridesmaids.

Now, when my brother asked me to be the best man, he said that I would have to make a speech to the bride and groom. Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little nervous to now find I have to do it in front of 50 people or so. Still, must get on…

Now I didn't take the responsibility of being best man lightly – so I searched on the internet for a check list to make sure I knew what I was supposed to do.(pull out check-list)

One – Help the groom dress. I'm sorry but I thought he should be able to do that himself by now.

Two – Ensure the groom uses the toilet before the service. Now, I know I'm his brother and all but I wasn't going to do that!

Three – Make sure his shoes are tied, his flies done up, his hair combed, face washed and teeth brushed. Now at this point I thought maybe his Mum should've been best man.

Four – Make sure that the groom gets a good night's sleep before the wedding day. Well I can reveal that last night Nigel slept like a baby. Every half hour he woke up crying and wanting his Mummy.

But, I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty, that of getting Nigel to the church, sober, on time and eventually married was a complete success.

And now, I have the opportunity (and audience) to speak just a bit, about our infamous groom.

Well first off I thought it would be appropriate for me to give the people who don't know Nigel, a little bit of background about him. Nigel Lee Elliott was born on November the 10th, 1975, a fantastic year by all accounts…the same year that the Rocky Horror Picture Show was released. Funny to think that 26 years later he would be dressing up as a woman just like in the film on his stag night.

After some good years at school and college Nigel got a job in the I.T. department of an Insurance company, where he still works today. During this time he spent most evenings surfing the Internet, and it was during this time that he met Mara on a MUD. By this I thought Nigel meant he'd met Mara mud wrestling, but I soon learnt that a MUD was a virtual chat room where you can meet other people from across the world (or so I'm told…).And from here blossomed lots of inter-continental visits between Amercia and Britain, and a wonderful relationship began which is why we are all here today.

As I mentioned before, on Nigel's stag night he had to dress up as a lady for the whole night. This involved him wearing a blonde wig, some earrings, a tragically horrible green dress, a learner plate, a garter round his leg with tights and his normal work shoes to finish it off. Now Nigel being a good sport put the dress on straight away without any resistance whatsoever, and he looked like he knew what he was doing which was a bit worrying! Anyway he wore that dress all night long, so lets hear it for Nigel for being a good sport.

And now I'd like to ask Nigel and Mara to participate in this little speech now. Mara if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table, yes, palm down dear… Right, Nigel, if you would please place your hand directly on top of Mara's, yes, just like that. There we go, now Nigel, I want you to make the most of this moment, as it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Ok, now I have a few messages to read.
xxx

Nigel, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great brother to me over the years, you are one of the most kindest, sincere, generous and unselfish people I have ever known, and it is genuinely a great honour to be your best man.

And Mara, although I haven't known you for long at all, for the time I have you have been sweet and kind, and from all those giggles I always here when you and Nigel are together, I am sure you'll make a wonderful couple.

Knowing Nigel as well as I do, I can guarantee Mara that over the coming years he will provide her with absolutely nothing…( Very long pause before remembering to turn over last crib sheet)…but love, happiness, and kindness!

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances to be here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Nigel and Mara, the new Mr and Mrs Elliott.

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.Nigel and Mara!