Speech by Mark Farrant

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Farrant
Speech Date: May 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen.

Before I start, if there is anyone here this afternoon that feels slightly nervous and apprehensive, it's probably because you just married Gary ******.

Well good afternoon to you all. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mark, and I am Gary's Best Man for today.

Now as some of you know, this wedding has been carefully and meticulously planned with military precision, but my formal request for an autocue was denied. I will therefore be consulting my notes as I go, so please bear with me.

As you can see I am precariously placed between both the married couples mothers, so I must obviously be a little careful about what I say.

I first met Gary when I started dating his older sister Michelle, roughly 14 years ago.

Now it is said that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

I was actually enticed into this job about 6 months ago when Gary, as an incentive, hinted that Louise's bridesmaids were destined to be two of the most attractive promotional girls from Cisco's marketing department. To add significance to this, he subtly reminded me of the long established tradition relating to the expected activities between the Bridesmaids and the Best Man, so with this in mind, I hastily and probably somewhat foolishly agreed.

So here I am. And as promised, accompanied by two beautiful Bridesmaids, although not exactly as originally implied, they have actually turned out to be my own Daughter and Sister In Law.

But I suppose I shouldn't complain, as it's not very often that when placed in their particular company, I manage to get a word in edgeways. So I guess that I should relish this rare opportunity to hear the sound of my own voice.

Joking apart, I am sure you will all agree that Donna and Scarlett both look absolutely fantastic, and have made a great job of helping make today such an enjoyable occasion.

So with this in mind will you all please charge your glasses.… and be upstanding to join me in a toast to Donna and Scarlett, the beautiful bridesmaids.

—–THE BRIDESMAIDS —–

Thank you. Now my job as Best Man included three primary tasks.

1) The first was to arrange the Stag Do, which I will talk about later.

2) The second was to ensure that Gary was not himself today. Which basically meant him being:
– Fully and Properly Dressed
– Organised and On-Time
– With enough money to get at least One Round In.

This has largely been accomplished; Not sure about the round! But this is Gary ****** I am talking about, so no surprises there.

3) My third task is to embark upon the obligatory character assassination of the Groom, that all weddings traditionally, and rightly demand.

So here I go ……

Gary was born on 10th July 1969. The year that saw Concorde first take to the skies, and he was delivered just in time to witness one of mankind's greatest achievements, the first Apollo Lunar landing. Which is ironic really because he has never been on time for anything else since.

He apparently grew up as a somewhat clumsy child, probably due to a nervousness brought about by being raised between his two intimidating sisters. I now live with one of them and know from personal experience that he must have gone through sheer hell.

The name Gary actually means “Carries A Spear” although in his case he would probably drop and break it!

He was about 17 when I first met him, or should I say “Stepped over him”.

You see, for reasons that I never fully understood, when Gary returned home in the early hours from a teenage drinking binge, he was never quite able to fully climb the stairs to bed. Instead he was often found the next day asleep on the stairs in a dishevelled state of half undress.

Now, any one who knows Gary well, will confirm that he is a nightmare to wake up at the best of times, so he was usually simply left there for people to step over until he awoke naturally.

Out of sheer frustration, Gary's father eventually built him a bed suspended from the ceiling, just to keep him off the floor.

When I eventually met Gary sober and awake, I naturally assumed that he was a trainee hairdresser, partially due to the amount of hairspray he used, but mainly because of his chosen hairstyle. It was a sort of Bouffanted Mullet arrangement that would have made Louis the 16th proud.

I was of course wrong about the hairdressing profession; Gary's initial chosen career was the “Wild and Wacky” world of domestic plumbing. And as seemed to be compulsory at the time for the building trade in general, he immediately grew a ridiculous Moustache, which could easily have qualified him as a member of “The Village People”.

Now, bearing in mind that Gary was quite Baby Faced as a teenager, the moustache was presumably intended to add credibility to his numerous attempts to gain access to local nightclubs.

The problem was, that his youth full looks only made the moustache appear to be false. So, looking like a bad Charlie Chaplin impression, Gary was sadly frequently turned away by smirking Bouncers.

His next attempt to boost his grown man image was to buy himself an appropriate car.

He was very proud when he arrived home in his newly acquired; gleaming red, customised VW Beetle, referred to by the rest of us in later years as “The Pratt Mobile”.

Please don't get me wrong; the car initially was a very smart, eye-catching vehicle, if you like that sort of thing. It was tastefully and subtly customised and it had in fact won several competitions. But that was before Gary decided to add a “touch of his own personality”.

Before long the car sported more accessories than Posh Spices wardrobe. In particular an oversized Whale Tail Spoiler that would have embarrassed the average Humpback.

It was at this point the only car I have ever known that made you feel travelsick before you got in it.

Never the less it was his pride and joy, and every year he would take part in the VW Beetle owner's summer migration known as “The Run To The Sun”.
So picture Gary if you can. About 19 years old, but looking 15, with a hairstyle only now seen on the likes of Peter String-Fellow. Wearing a dazzlingly loud Hawaiian shirt, clashing Bermuda shorts, Mirrored Sun Glasses and Oversized Moustache. Cruising around in his gleaming red motor with optimistic Babe On Board sticker in the rear window, and with spare Furry Dice in the glove compartment just in case.

Obviously he imagined himself to look something like Tom Selleks Magnum character, except of course without:

Ø The Sun Tan …
Ø Or the Muscles …
Ø Or the Charisma …
Ø Or the Dashing Good Looks …
Ø And instead of a Ferrari 308GTB, driving around in “The Pratt Mobile”.

It's a shame that more of the time Gary spent accessorising the new car wasn't directed at maintaining it. As his much awaited “Run To The Sun” often became more of a “Push To The Lay-by”.

But, I am sure that he has many happy memories, parked up by the side of the road, half way to the coast, sitting on his surf board, listening to the Beach Boys whilst waiting for the AA to arrive.

(Pause)

As amazing as it might sound, Gary did actually have a girlfriend in those days, but it soon became clear that this was not going to work out in the long term. In desperation, some of his friends put an add in a local paper saying “WIFE WANTED …”. But the only replies they got were from Men, saying, “You can have mine …”.

Luckily as it turned out, it was eventually through his then girlfriend that he met Louise.

I do actually seem to recall a certain amount of overlap, and so by now Gary was starting to get cocky about his prowess with the ladies. He believed that he could have any girl he pleased.

Unfortunately he just didn't seem to please any.

But Louise was different; readily impressed by the moustache and obviously “The Pratt Mobile”…… well she was an Essex girl after all……! She was completely swept off her White Stilettos by Gary.

Now Louise worked for a building society at the time, and she had a keen understanding of Finance, Book Keeping and Elementary Mathematics.

She soon realised that Gary did not share her numeracy, as demonstrated on one of their first dates at the prestigious “Pizza Hut”. The waitress routinely asked Gary if he wanted his Pizza sliced into 4 or 8 pieces? He replied “Better make it 4 pieces, I don't think I could eat 8……”.

But they do say that Love is blind, well it must have been in Louise's case, and that opposites attract.

In Louise, Gary found someone not only Gorgeous,
(k) But Intelligent.
(k) Sophisticated.
(k) Trustworthy.
(k) Organised
(k) Equally Athletic
(k) and Fundamentally A Decent person.

And in return Louise got ….… Well Louise got Gary.
Nowadays, together they spend a lot of their recreational time Cycling, Walking, Orienteering and even Salsa Dancing. Although in Gary's case it's Salsa with a strong hint of Michael Jackson, as I have no doubt you will all see demonstrated later this evening.

In fact Gary has really taken the orienteering to heart, as during our last holiday abroad together, he insisted on navigating in the hire car via a compass instead of the conventional, all be it foreign, road signs. And instead of taking us to the more routine and to be honest well sign posted tourist attractions, we ended up in the heart of the Capital City, on the edge of the International Airport, buried in Rush Hour Traffic.

Now it was very hot, we had only hired the Jeep for the one-day, we were stuck in some convoluted One-Way system and at best I am not a very patient driver. I can tell you that compass very nearly became a permanent part of Gary's anatomy, along with the ignored map book, and my boot.

(Pause)

And now as promised, briefly onto the Stag Do. The day started with an afternoons Karting at Silverstone, which was actually very hard work.

The first session was a Team Endurance race, and I had the pleasure of being on the same team as Gary and Tony, and we called our team “The Best Men”. The pleasure quickly became frustration as whilst driving our teams first stint, Gary straight away ignored the Marshals Yellow flags, overtook everyone, which of coarse is not allowed, and we immediately had laps deducted from our total. I can only assume that he was not concentrating, probably consulting that dam compass again.

Needless to say our team did not win. The event was in fact won by a team imaginatively called “The Winners”. Which was comprised of Aled, Paul and John.

By the way, avoid John at the bar if you can, because if he hasn't already, he will bore you to death about his winner's trophy, and how the team's victory was entirely down to him. John was actually beaten up, in the nicest possible way, by the others in the back of the mini bus on the way home. This was largely due to his constant bragging and justifiably so, but also simply because he's John.

Gary also received a few bruises during the scuffle; although mostly around his neck area, but they are definitely not love bites —- honest.

The second Karting event was a Grand prix and this time the Best Man won, literally. But again only because of Gary, who collided with John on the last lap, taking them both out of the race and kindly giving victory to me. Again be aware that John will also talk inanely about that perceived “Travesty Of Justice” indefinitely if you let him.

The evening's activity was a routine Pub-crawl around Oxford, which was of coarse extremely tame, uneventful and involved no other Women what so ever, as the photographs, mainly of the Groom will clearly show.

On a personal note, one of the more humorous aspects of the weekend for me, was watching a dozen of Gary's mates, most of who are the wrong side of 30 and used to far more salubrious sleeping arrangements, trying to cope with roughing it in sleeping bags, all crammed together in a couple of rooms.

Especially after watching a particular type of movie, which in hindsight was probably not the best thing to show 12 drunken and confined men?

John actually elected to sleep outside on the lawn lovingly cuddling his new trophy, although he wasn't coherent enough to actually be able to do up his sleeping bag, and unfortunately for him it rained for the rest of the night.

But we got Gary here safe and sound, and now he is finally married.

June is of course the traditional month to marry, and these origins actually date back to medieval times.

In those days’ people only properly bathed once a year, typically during May when the weather improved. June therefore became a popular marriage time, mainly because that's when people smelled their best.

Having been camping with Gary a few times over the years, and experienced his tendency to avoid bathing, I think that June is a most appropriate time for him to marry. And today is of coarse the 1st of June, and incidentally Marilyn Monroe's birthday.

(Pause)

So having now slandered Gary enough, it only remains for me to offer Gary any advice I think might be useful for the future.

I know that he will look back on today as a Millstone.… …Sorry Milestone in his life.

So keep in mind Gary, that the very best way to remember your Wedding Anniversary is to simply forget in once.

Also I was once told that you should never go to bed angry, and I live by this rule.… I always stay up to argue.

And although not actually married myself, I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing. Marriage will teach Gary Loyalty, Self-restraint and Control.

It will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he stayed single.

I asked Gary what he was looking for in marriage. He said Love, Happiness and eventually a Family.

When I asked Louise the same question, she replied a Coffee Percolator.

(Pause)

Well, I started planning this speech 2 weeks ago and I am sure by now you must feel I've been delivering it for just as long.

So I thank you all for you patience, and it now gives me great pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to please stand and raise your glasses.

May you both live as long as you like, and have all that you like for as long as you live.

And I hope that your love will be modern enough to survive, and old fashioned enough to last forever.

—– To Gary and Louise….… the Bride and Groom —–.

Thank you.