Speech by Mark Ferris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Ferris
Speech Date: oct 2003
Tap a glass.

Can I have everyone's attention please?

Good afternoon, I am Alan's younger and better-looking brother Mark, the best man. I'd like to start by welcoming you all to Alan and Jennifer's special day, I know how much it means to them to see so many of their family and friends here.

We are going to have 4 speakers before dinner, as we only have a limited amount of time, and I am sure all of you are hungry. Then, if anyone else would like to say a few words, they will have an opportunity after the meal. Can I ask that anyone wishing to speak, please inform me during the meal.

On behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Alan for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful, and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Jennifer ready and to the church on time. From what I hear she put up quite a fight.

I would also like to thank Sam, Graham, and Kevin for all of their help today, ensuring that the ceremony went smoothly. Kevin will be making a short speech later on! Only joking!

I sure you will all agree that the service today was fantastic. As you know, it's meant to be bad luck for the groom to see his bride's dress before the service, but it was certainly on Alan's mind. In fact, when Jennifer entered the church, Alan actually whispered to me: “Is the dress traditional white?” I replied that it was. “Great”, he said, “it's important for the dishwasher to match the other kitchen appliances.”

When Alan asked me to be his best man I was naturally honoured. But I quickly realised that I didn't really know what I had to do. So I bought myself a book. It states that the main purpose behind the best mans speech is to provide an introduction to the Groom, as many of you probably don't know Alan, and after I am through many of you will probably wish you didn't know him at all! The book does state that the speech should not contain anything likely to embarrass or offend….I don't think so! (Throw the book away).

So starting from the very beginning Alan was born in Lisburn on the 12th April 1977. I did try to link this with some big world event but it seems that nothing else happened that day …except that the staff at Lagan Valley Hospital refer to it as "Monkey Birth Tuesday". (check it was a Tuesday).

Alan, not unlike other monkeys. err I mean children, had a security blanket. I'll come back to that. He was a happy, smelly, but happy child who loved nothing more than climbing trees (a survival skill) and eating bananas.

Alan always was a keen student. He would always have his hand up, unfortunately with the wrong answer, but he did try hard. Please note that he still had his security blanket, slightly unusual, but the 5th year teachers didn't mind it seemed to keep him quiet in class. Though it was starting to get a bit ragged at this stage.

Alan became an Architectural Technician after leaving Laurelhill High School, and continues to excel in this field. In fact it wasn't long until Alan was training other staff. Taking the new employees fresh out of college under his wing. He often would tell me how he made them feel welcome on their first day, by sending them out to buy a left handed screwdriver and two tins of tartan paint, and when they returned empty handed, he would fly into a rage and send them out again, telling them not to come back until they had got the items. Needless to say they don't work with Alan anymore.

It hasn't always been easy growing up in the footsteps of an older, competitive and successful brother – the one who was stronger, could run faster, watch TV later – all that sort of thing. But I have learnt a great deal from him, such as;

If you leave dirty dishes long enough they clean themselves!

You can normally find food on the kitchen table when you get home from work.

I wonder if Jennifer has learned these things also?

When you're winning make sure everybody knows, it may not happen again!

You shouldn't leave a car in gear – as someone might start it and end up parking it in the porch.

And lastly, my personal favourite – If you are going to run from an angry dog, make sure that there is a tree nearby, and make sure you keep your bum higher than the dog can jump.

Sleeping in the same house as Alan was never easy and a bit scary. Countless nights I have been woken to screams of rage and terror as Alan battled imaginary opponents in his room. Perhaps this is the reason he still has his security blanket, I present to Jennifer ‘Raggy’.

Alan started to play basketball just before he met Jennifer. I think Alan's sees marriage as being very similar to his beloved basketball – he's totally committed, and wants to score every chance that he gets, change ends at half time and play away half the year (and probably have Jennifer video all of it). The trouble is, Jennifer is predicting that he's going to suffer from a serious groin injury if he does.

Alan met Jennifer in a Hillsbourgh Bar on a Saturday night. One of Alan's mates managed to upset Jennifer, and Alan being the kind, considerate person he is, just had to intervene. Its funny, at the end of the night an impatience Jennifer said to Alan ‘Are you going to make a move?’ Well Jennifer, 3 years later, I sure you know by now that Alan does things in his own time.

I am reluctant to share too much detail about the stag do I organised down in Dublin, as I have been sworn to secrecy, but cheers lads for a great time. [Nod to table of Alan's mates.]. I'll only mention minor events as Graham losing his phone (and himself in the centre of Dublin), and our father shooting his own team-mates in paintball, because they weren't following orders.

Which reminds me, I would just like to say to Jennifer that considering 8 other lads were trying their hardest to do their worst to Alan on the Stag Night I did a pretty good job of looking after him and I can safely say that I didn't let Alan do anything he wasn't supposed to. But I have to admit that job was made easier for me, because the Lap Dancers wouldn't let you do anything you weren't supposed to either.

Don't worry Alan; I'll smooth over that. Jennifer and I first met about 3 years ago, when it quickly became clear to me that here was a woman of many attributes – beauty, brains, wisdom and, fortunately for Alan, a love for dumb animals.

Alan, it's a real honour to have been chosen to be your best man today. I think it reflects the fact that we've had some unforgettable times together – and you truly are a best friend, a top act and a first-rate brother. I'm sure you will miss playing the Playstation2 or shooting hoops outside the house after work, but I guess playing with Jennifer was more fun than playing with me. I hope that Jennifer will still let you out to play once you get settled.

Alan and Jennifer, you're so happy together that you need little advice from me on your married life together. But just bear in mind that people and their perspectives can change after marriage. After all, they do say that when a man holds a woman's hand before they are married, it's because of love – but once they are married, it's simply self-defence.

Telegrams.

Marriage in this day and age is far from easy. With all the external pressures of day-to-day life you will need to grow together in mutual trust and understanding whilst not forgetting what first brought you together. In other words, may your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old-fashioned enough to last forever.

When I first started to write this speech, earlier today, I couldn't think of anything to say about Alan, but after looking back on growing up with Alan I suddenly found that I had far to much to say about him. Writing this speech gave me an opportunity to look back on a lot of the good times, not Alan and myself, but our sister Julie (the golden child), had together, and I am sure we'll have a lot more of them in the future, only we will have another sister to join in the fun – Jennifer, I JUST HOPE YOU CAN CLIMB TREES.

On a final note, I would like to take this opportunity to wish Alan and Jennifer all the health happiness and success in the world. Ladies and Gentlemen I would ask all those that still have the capacity to do so, join me in being upstanding and raising a toast to the new Mr and Mrs XXXXXX, to Alan and Jennifer.