Speech by Mark Fordham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Fordham
Speech Date: Aug2004
Thanks J****…

Ladies and Gentlemen. After such an amazing day, I have to admit that I am completely speechless, which is a bit inconvenient right now!

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank J**** for his kind words. I'm sure you'll all agree that ****, ****, **** and **** all look absolutely fantastic, and have done themselves proud today.

For those of you who don't know me, my name's Mark and I have the honour and privilege of being J****’s best man today. And, if everything goes well, J**** has promised I can do his next one too!

Seriously though, I was a bit unsure about how long the best man's speech should be, but after speaking to a few people, it seems it should only be as long as it takes the groom to perform his “marital duties” on the wedding night, so.… (look at watch).… Thankyou and good night! (sit down)

As I mentioned before, it is a great honour to be J****’s best man, but I have to admit I was really terrified at the thought of making a speech. However, much to my relief, I managed to find this great little guide book called “the BEST best man” which is absolutely packed full of useful advice such as this from page 7: “maintaining a clear head throughout the wedding celebrations is vital for the best man….Therefore you MUST remain sober” (throw away book).

Talking of nerves you may, or may not, be interested to know this is definitely not the first time today I have stood up from a warm seat with paper in my hand! But I thought I was nervous until I followed J**** into the gents a few moments ago, and found this left behind! (produce brick)

J**** and I first met at ***** Primary School back at the tender age of 4, but it wasn't until I was moved into his tutor group at ***** School some nine years later that we became best mates. In fact, it was back then in 1992 that J**** and I, like a couple of giggling schoolgirls, decided we would be each others best men at our weddings. We also made a pact that, no matter what our respective brides-to-be had to say, we would get married in these – the identical pairs of Nike Air Max trainers we used to wear to school every day. As you can see, we have both managed to hold on to the trainers since then, keeping our pact alive for twelve years. That was until a couple of weeks ago, when M**** found out about the idea. And you only have to look at the footwear J**** and I are wearing now to know who won that argument! Well J****, you'd better get used to losing arguments – but just make sure you remember the most important 3 little words – you're right dear!

Now I know it is traditional for the best man to spend several minutes humiliating and embarrassing the groom, however I thought it would be nice for a change to instead tell you about some examples of where J**** has excelled, where he has been really successful. Obviously I had to think extremely hard about this, and it does mean missing out his entire school and college years, however I did manage to find some areas where J**** has had a really positive impact.

Firstly, you will probably be unaware that J**** has significantly contributed to the financial success of many multi-national organisations. Among them, McDonalds, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Dominos, Pizza Hut and Express, as well as almost all the top brand lagers. It is also no coincidence that Sainsburys in ***** doubled in size when J**** moved to the area, and that Tescos are considering developing at the end of ***** Road now that J**** has moved back to *****.

However, there have also been a few cases where J**** has had a less desirable impact. Many scientists have blamed the global warming phenomenon on pollution from cars, fridges and aerosols. They are quite frankly wrong. Those who know J**** will tell you it's his Atom-bomb like farts which are responsible for the hole in the ozone layer. In fact I am certain that some of J****’s post-vindaloo efforts have actually further melted the polar ice caps.

As you can see from his face, J**** really is very proud of his flatulence-related achievements, and it seems his crowning moment came during his time working at *****, during one of their famous weekly farting competitions. One witness at the time, described J****’s entry in the competition as, and I quote “probably one of the most substantial follow-throughs in the history of mankind”. Needless to say, J****’s competition that day was over, however he did show immense bravery by continuing through the day without his underpants, which were completely destroyed.

Despite all this, amazingly, J**** doesn't seem to have had problems attracting the ladies over the years, and as a result of some of his previous escapades I have been asked by his parents, B**** and L****, to make a request. It seems there may be several ladies actually here tonight who are still in possession of one of their front door keys. Therefore could I just ask that if anyone does still have a key, could they please bring it up to me now, and I will ensure their safe return. (keys to be brought up by several ladies, a granny, and one of the ushers in mincing fashion).

I can assure you all though that J**** has settled down since those days, and has actually turned into quite a domesticated bloke. In fact since he and M**** moved into their new house it seems that DIY has rapidly overtaken farting as his favourite pastime, so no doubt their married life will continue with at least as much banging and screwing as before.

Apparently J**** has also been practicing in the kitchen and has turned himself into a half decent chef. He now regularly cooks for M****, rustling up her favourite dishes, and tells me she is very keen on Pork in Cider.

It seems M**** really does bring out the soppy side to J****. They have had various pet names for each other over the years, however only a few are repeatable with children present. These range from Aubergine in the early years, through to Pee Wee, and my own personal favourite, Mr and Mrs Peach.

Apparently J**** also has a few little superstitions that he has developed to show his love for M****, and I thought it would be nice for you to hear these straight from the horses mouth instead of me reading them out. So if I could just get J**** to participate a little bit here. J**** could you please just confirm what you have to say to M**** every morning before leaving the house? (J**** to say “good luck, love you and goodbye). And what do you say to M**** every night before you go to sleep J****, and in the proper voice please? (J**** to say “ I love you x3).

On that note I have some telegrams to read out:

1)From J****’s employers, ******** We have found J**** to be completely useless in every position. We hope M**** has better luck.
2)From the ***** Hotel in the Maldives: “Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive as we are putting something on for you..… the roof.

On a more serious note though, J**** is one of the nicest and most genuine blokes you could ever wish to meet. He makes sure he never neglects his family and friends, in fact usually goes out of his way to help people out in any way he can. He has been a great friend to me over many years and I would like to thank him for giving me the opportunity to support him on the most important day of his life.

It's also not often the best man can count the bride as a true friend, but I'm very lucky to be able to count M**** amongst mine. She looks absolutely stunning today and I believe J**** is a very lucky man to have found someone so beautiful, kind, and caring.

Together they make a very special couple, and I am proud and honoured to be able to share today with them. Congratulations J**** and M****, I wish you a long, happy and successful marriage. I just hope neither of you needs my services again because I'm not doing it. Finally, I would just like to thank all of you on behalf of J**** and M**** for being here today, especially those of you who have travelled long distances to be here.

Ladies and Gentlemen: it gives me great pleasure (not to mention enormous relief) to invite you all to charge your glasses and join me in a toast to the new couple, Mr and Mrs ***** – the bride and groom.