Speech by Mark Hodgson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Hodgson
Speech Date: aug2002
Props: 7 interesting photos in sealed envelopes
Knickers
A brick
Stupid Sun glasses

Speech

(Stand up strip off jacket, tie, waist coat, undo shirt, pretend you are invisible!)

Can everyone at the back here me…………..… cool 2 pints of larger, and a whisky please!

Good afternoon ladies and gents. My name is "Dish" and my second name is "The Dirt" as you all know I'm today's best man and I'm here really for one thing to assassinate my best mates character!

Well believe it or not i have been preparing for this speech now my first task was to find that wise old man who i knew would help so when i did i asked how long the speech should be he said as long as it takes for the groom to make love "SIT DOWN"
While talking of the groom, were you nervous this morning matt, cos i found one of these in the toilet! "Pull out brick"
Thanks
On behalf of the bridesmaids, i'd like to thank matt for his kind words and gifts. I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids for looking so fantastic and doing such a good job, also Julie for looking really really really fit and having the bottle to marry matt, Julie here's the £20! I never thought you'd do it!
Now it was about 2 years ago that matt asked me to be best man today and i carn't tell you what a real pleasure it has been…………until now as i'm wondering matt what have i ever done to you!
Anyway believe it or not i decided to research the speech and find out what was required! Well apart from destroying matt's character and probably his marriage!
So here we go!

School Daze
First i found i should talk about his School daze, well fortunately I didn't know matt at school, so i be came a little stressed of how to get hold of some stories until one day when i was walking around the gym where i work i by total luck bumped into a guy called "Mike Surle" we got talking as you do and discovered he was matt ex-head master, now for an ex-head master he was surprisingly a lovely lovely man "cough" hope there's none here to day! (groom's father)
Anyway Mike handed me a copy of matt's school report (as follows)
Geography: matt is the only one in the class that thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine!
Biology: Whilst matt is often enthusiastic he took things a little to far by revising for his blood test!
Math's: Although matt has excelled at algebra he still appears to have a distinct problem in differentiating between inches and millimetres (something Julie still talks about today)
>
Music: Matt got on very well with his music teacher Miss Muff, one of his reports read, matt takes a very hands on approach to music, i just wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself!
P.E / Football: Matt is very versatile he can play in any position, however his ball control and execution leave somewhat to the imagination!
Nickname
Next i found i should explain his nickname, well apart from the obvious Harty, matt also has several other nicknames Frankenstein Head, Frankenstein, Bolts and Franky Bolts! It's was decided that after a long days drinking session that matt had an unusually large square forehead, a square jaw line and a wide neck thus making him appear to have some connection with Frankenstein! (envelope 1) need i say more! Soon after this matt decided to explore the world in search of his true self and to see if he could find his ancestors on his journey he sent me this photo (envelope 2)!

The Stag
Next i found it compulsory to tell a clean story from the stag do!
Now as many of you know we went to Barcelona and i'd just like to say thanks to Paul who organised the trip he certainly did has research the standard of antique fairs was fantastic! I've never seen so many knobs and knockers! Nice!
Anyway i digress: After talking to the air hostesses for a good two hours, of course not matt "he was not involved Julie" we arrived in Barca now as we walked of the plane you could smell the warmth, the excitement, the fun but matt he decided to smell something different! We found ourselves being one of the last groups of people waiting for the luggage by this time pumpkin had done one of his vanishing acts, so we were a little unsure which one of two his luggage was. So matt decided to pick one of the two cases up and look inside, there was a towel, some flip flops, a t-shirt, a pack of cards, and then………..… something else, now at this matt's face became baffled but to his utter shock he was then tapped on the shoulder by the girl who's luggage it was, now when i say matt decided to smell something different and that the story such be clean, i'm sure you can picture what matt was doing! Now i had a quite word with the girl to apologise and she offered to help me out with the speech by donating the item! (pull out knickers)

A Bit Of History
Next on the list was history of the groom. So i decided to call up on two people who i new would be very helpful in matt's character assassination…..… Yes his Mum and Dad! Well matt was born in 1973 a really popular year in Britain V.A.T. was introduced, there were also an extra-ordinary amount of U.F.O sightings in the month of October matt's B'day month, thus it was no surprise matt was a bit of an ugly baby, in fact his mum told me of how she didn't start morning sickness until after matt was born!
Now as most of you know matt enjoys a few drinks but don't you think this was a bit you early matt! (envelope 3) On your second b'day!
It was also obvious matt was always going to be a sporty guy but now i realise why he liked playing with balls so much cos he could never find his own! (envelope 4)

Matt's mum also told me that from an early age he had trouble in working out what sex he was (envelope 5) and which team he should bat for this can be seen still today (envelope 6)!
I first met matt when he was 16 through cricket, for some reason he left Highbury which had the smallest ground in Leeds to join Woodhouse who have the second smallest ground in Leeds, anyway when we first met I thought yep nice guy why has he joined here! After a decade of playing second string matt decided to take over as captain of Woodhouse, (envelope 7) the year was 2000 and as you can see matt looked more and more like Frankenstein!

The End

On a serious note i would like to say matt you are a luck man marrying Julie she is smart, warm, loving, caring, beautiful and Julie you do realise you have married matt!
Before i finish i would like to ask matt and Julie to participate in the speech. Julie could you please place your hand flat on the table…………………… ok, matt could you please place your hand on top of Julie's hand. Now do we have any cameras ready…….… Matt i hope you enjoy that as it is the last time you'll have the upper hand!
On a more serious note i would like to say to everyone that matt i love you to bits as a best friend and i love you like a brother, we have never spoke a cross word to each other and you mean the world to me, i know we will be friends forever and i truly wish you and Julie the happiest marriage ever, i know you are both great for each other and you will live happily ever after!
If everyone could now be upstanding and toast to the new Bride and Groom Mr and Mrs Hartigan!