Speech by Mark Inman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Inman
Speech Date: sep 2004
In keeping with this evening's grace
I though that I'd keep up the pace
By speaking to you in rhythmic time
And finding words that tend to sound similar in their last syllable

A request from the management, if I am able,
To ask you not to stand on the table
When I've finally finish my oration
And you're giving me a standing ovation

I must thank Jonny for his kind toast
Which he gave as our diminutive host
To Mrs Thompson's beautiful aides
Who have done a sterling job as her bridesmaids

And Faye, you look stunning today
An elegant dress and beautiful bouquet
Jonnie, you've dressed up too, I see
And you look almost as good as me

Jonny's size caused a problem at Moss Bros
But In fact we had quite a hoot
They gave me and the ushers a frock coat
and him a page boy suit

It's not what you want at your wedding
You know, a clothing mishap
So he bought this little outfit
In the boys section of baby gap (no VAT either)

Now Jonny's quite proud of his hairstyle
Well he is of what he has left
But last time he went to the barbers
He was left a little bereft

As the barber charged him an extra
Two pound fifty three
When Jonny asked him what it was for
It was the hairdressers extra search fee

(he now uses wash and went)

Jonnie was born in Scunthorpe
St Georges day, 71
The Thompsons were both delighted
When they were told that they had a new son

“We'll call him Thursday!” declared Diane
“Why?” Alistair said with dismay
Then he took one look at his baby
Said “You're right dear, we'll call it a day!”

The family then moved to Solihull
Jonnie went to Blossomfield School
He didn't really fit in there
Yet none of the children were cruel

See, he was different from the other kids
I found out when I started to delve
Whereas they were only four years old
Jonny was almost twelve

Coventry was the family's next stop
And an advert caught Jonny's mum's eye
‘Cathedral seeks new choirboys’
She thought Jonny ought to apply

The Cathedral could only take five boys
He was accepted, and was very surprised
Until he found out later
that only five boys had applied

He sang with the voice of an angel
And toured all over the land
Even then you could see his potential
As the frontman of a great band

Just after Jonny moved to Bramhope
His voice, it finally broke
His chorister days were numbered
‘cos his voice went up and down as he spoke

Our mothers met in the butchers
And whilst chatting over a chop
My mum kindly volunteered me
To take Jonny to the bus stop

So the next day I went to his classroom
said who I was looking for
“I'm Jonathan Thompson ” said somebody
Who stood just 3ft from the floor

I mumbled “mmmm me mum sent me!”
I didn't know quite what to say
Because I was looking at this short boy
I thought must be a child protégé

Mentally, we haven't grown up much
But have become the best of mates
We haven't done anything too outrageous
But we've got into quite a few scrapes

Like once when we attended a wedding
It was a night we'd never forget
We both got completely plastered
And made a ridiculous bet

The bride's Uncle Norm lived in Tronto
And he said he'd buy us a meal
At the CN Tower in two weeks
So we drank to seal the deal.

A stupid idea, but a bet's a bet
And in two weeks we left the UK
But whilst we crossed the Atlantic
Uncle Norm crossed the other way!

So we were in the land of the maple leaf
We were stuck with nowhere to stay
But after a crate of Molson Dry
We staggered to a YHA

A fortnight we spent in Canada
And there was more than one drunken tale
We saw some lovely landmarks
And the inside of Ottawa Jail

We went to visit Niagara
It followed a night on the ale
And the early Macdonald's breakfast
Started to make Jonny go pale

It was probably the bus and train journey
That finally did Jonny in
No one looked at the waterfall
Just Jonny puking up in a bin

It was here he discovered drinking games
Over them he likes to preside
With fifteen games running at once
It's no wonder we all get Kay lied

One day we had to distract a mate
Whilst his wife prepared a surprise
We had to keep him away for an hour
And divert his curious eyes.

But Jonny started drinking games
And things went from good to bad
By the time the 60 minutes was up
He couldn't recognise his dad

You'll be glad to hear that I'm nearly done
But before I close I'll say
Jonny you've been a reasonable mate
And you're damn lucky to be married to Faye

Faye, you've found a sensitive(!) man
Whom you've chosen to give your hand
Men so caring and sharing are rare
Most already have a husband

Now I've finally finished
You can blink your sleepy eyes
If you've enjoyed this speech as much as me
Then I can only apologise.

READ LETTERS/TELEGRAMS – pocket the money from any cards

E-MAIL FRM BECKY AND DAN
Greetings from New Zealand. Thanks for inviting us to the evening do. Sorry we can't make it only I'm washing my hair. Have a nice day and good luck in your new life together. Bums up anyway!