Speech by Mark Inman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Inman
Speech Date: Apr 1999
Intro
I'll try to keep this short. (Produce big block of prompt Cards) Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, your majesty the king of Sweden, I'm the best man – not literally – just in title and I'm supposed to do the best MAN'S speech today at least by going last I get to see what the competition is like.

Thank the Groom
First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Paul for his kind sentiments and I think everybody would agree that they both look gorgeous and have done a splendid job in making today a very emotional event – look! even the cake is in tiers. Nice one ladies.

Queen Mum Joke (surprisingly no one had heard of this before)
Somebody more philosophical than me once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to snog the Queen mother – It's a great honour but no one really wants to do it.

Intro to how I became best man
When Paul asked me to do the duty, my first thought was wow best man what an honour, groovy. My second though was a suspicious why? What had I done wrong? However duty bound, I proceeded to investigate what this role entails in a book entitled "The best man's checklist" however this only led to me being mystified by some of the things I was expected to do: 1 First of all I was to help the groom to dress- thanks but no if he hasn't learned by now… 2 ensure the groom: A uses the toilet – nah! B. His shoes are tied – check C. His face and hair are in order (God didn't put them in order the first time round so what hope do I have?) D. Nothing is between his teeth (or should that be his ears?) E. That his trouser flies are done up (mmm perhaps his mum should be best man)

About Paul – How we met
I first met Paul when my family moved in next door to his. This was actually before he was born and I used to feel him in his mum's tummy but he'd never come out to play- Mainly because he was wasn't allowed out of his womb! He finally made an appearance in February 1973. I thought it would be a good to dig out some of the major world events that occurred in that year, but found that absolutely nothing happened at all. In fact all that I've found is that it was the year that V.A.T was introduced, Driving was banned on Sundays in Holland and the terrible news that gripped the world – There were only 950 windmills left! It was also in this year that I met Paul.

Childhood – Spaceship
We got on very well together. I'll have you know we were the best dinosaur discovers, the best worm hunters, the best puddle lifeboat builders, we had our own pub and even better we had a great spaceship. It was basically just a hole in the mud. In fact it was fantastic with all mod cons; milk bottle tops for the controls, sticks for the levers but best of all it had shiny Victorian gold bath taps. Mr Axxxxx's brand new Victorian bathroom suite didn't. Sorry about that

Childhood – Cheat and Bathing Incident
Although we were great friends when we were young, Paul was quite obviously different, something which is noticeable even today. I'd collect rocks, he would examine geological specimens, my racing car's steering was broken, his had trouble with its rack and pinion system. Oh and he liked to win and wasn't adverse to a bit of cheating as this evidence proves- Show picture of apple bobbing cheat explain photo. Paul did discover girls earlier than me and with very little shame by the looks of it? Show picture of bathtub. You will notice that on both these photos, I have concealed the identity of My sister ooops sorry Bex!

Paul Moved
Paul moved when I was about 7 years old and there was a great barrier between us from that point on – The main road. Until we were allowed to cross it without mummy then it was impossible for us to play. It wasn't until we were 15 therefore that we were allowed to play again!

Paul at School
Paul and I went to different schools so I sought advice from his parents as to what he was like."A model pupil driven by the ambition to succeed" was the answer from Christine,".. a gentleman and a scholar and a sportsman" said Colin and "He works quietly, keenly and steadily and has certainly done himself justice when sure of his ground" said the master in charge on Paul's 1983 report. Now I know what you're all thinking – Is that the same Paul? Well all of this was contradicted by Jimmy boy who did go to school with Paul. He tells me that Paul was a rather obese annoying little kid who excelled at nothing, was constantly picked on and regularly beaten up And this was just by the teachers. – Only Joking

Scouts and Ventures
Our friendship was renewed when we joined scouts and ventures, both are solid movements designed to nurture the spirit. However, our version of nurturing the spirit produced less than solid movements. Which reminds me of an incident on one scout camp. Mr Arbon here had paid a visit to the toilet tent when some comic genius decided that removing the tent would be a good idea. I'll leave it to you to imagine Paul sat with his trousers round his ankles in the middle of a field in Whitby – not the prettiest sight.

The Plastic Surgery
During these latter years, we've done many things and most of them pretty daft, most of them are related to nights out. You will have no doubt noticed that we are both handsome brutes with chiseled features. This is partly due to the fact that we share the same plastic surgeon, an anonymous gentleman who, favouring excessive alcohol as an anesthetic, operated using only his forehead in the carpark of The Lawnswood Arms. It was amazing to watch apparently.

Paul at Poly
Paul and I both went to Manchester Polytechnic but in his short time there, Paul made a dramatic impact on the place. In fact he managed this in just one evening following some excessive nurturing the spirit. Now the spirit on this occasion was whiskey and to Paul, drinking Whiskey is akin to micro waving a computer – it completely wipes his memory. Which is why when he woke up to find a 4′ letter ‘M’ down his trousers in the morning he had no idea of its origin. When the city of Manchester woke up in the morning it was well chuffed at its new seat of learning – "The Royal College of Usic".

How They Met Talking of music?
You must have been asleep not to notice the rise of a fine band whose music has crossed the generations, regardless of race, sex or sexuality. Indeed it is because of this collection of musical genii that our happy couple are together today. It was back in 1995 that the then Z Minor were performing at the famous Harrogate Theatre. A young Deborah Griffin was, like all of the audience, dumbstruck at the aural majesty that was massaging her ears. She was particularly intrigued by the bass player, he could slap like a jealous girlfriend and pop like a balloon on a bonfire.(not bad for the boy who 12 years before was"…trying hard to overcome his difficulties in his recorder playing") To Paul "Skidpan" Axxxx only one face peered out from the crowd that day and fortunately Debbie was attached to it. The rest they say is as good as a change.

I'm also in the band and I'd like to thank the rest of Woolley Edge as we are now, our manager, security and our record company my mum and dad for lending us the two 30′ limos on the stag do.

Serious bit
But seriously I'd like to say a big thanks to Paul for being such a great friend since his birth, and I have to say Paul, You've played a blinder in marrying Debbie, you've found someone who's beautiful, well mannered, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. Debbie, you've found, well Paul really.

Telegrams
There are some other people who would like to congratulate you… One from Pauline Graham, Kirsty and Peter What a fine Pair…you make

The toast
I can tell that everybody is having a great day here today and this is mainly down to the weeks and months of planning by Chris, Colin, Heather and John. They have done an incredible job to make this such a special day and I ask you all to stand as I propose a toast to ‘The Parents’

Does anyone here know the queen mums phone number?