Speech by Mark J Couzens

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark J Couzens
Speech Date: Jun 1999
On behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Steve for his kind words. And might I add his thanks are fully justified, for the bridesmaids have done an excellent job and look stunning, eclipsed only by Alison herself.

Well, I've heard it said that being asked to be the best man at a wedding is like being asked to make love to the queen mother, its a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

Even so, I agreed to be his best man and at least I have managed to do my first part of the job: get him to the church on time, sober and with his flies done up.

I have known Steve for 10 years now. I first met Steve in 1989 when we both went to the same University and were forced to share a room together. When I first met him he was quiet, shy and mumbled a lot, and look at the man he has become: Nothing has changed.

One of the very few stories I know from Steve's childhood shows one aspect of Steve's character, his unselfishness. When he was an infant, he was in first place in the sack race but thought that someone else deserved to win more than him, so he deliberately fell over. At least this is what he told me: more than likely he thought about all the attention he would get if he came first, and decided to throw the race to avoid the attention.
Which brings me to one of Steve's more obvious sides to his character, his paranoia. Very early in our friendship, we were out dancing one night on the dancefloor in a local night club in Stafford and Steve was looking rather worried. I leant over to him and asked him what was wrong. He replied (or rather mumbled) "That DJ is looking at me". I thought "this guy is paranoid", but then I realised that he was the only person on the dancefloor that wasn't dancing and the DJ must have been the one getting paranoid!

Nowadays if you manage to get him on the dancefloor, he makes a beeline straight for the corners where the DJ can't see him. So everyone's job later on is to get Steve in the middle of the dancefloor and get him dancing.

Steve is also the most laid back person I have ever met. If he was any more laid back he would be horizontal, which incidentally is his favourite position. At university one of his nicknames was 1PM. This was because, unless he had to, he would not get out of bed until at least one in the afternoon, which I think his mum and dad will already know, and Alison will have to live with.

With one notable exception, for which we are here today, Steve has not been the most successful bloke with the girls. I remember once when he was visiting me where I was living in Crewe. We had been in the pub all night, and on the way out I decided to nip into the gents before the walk home. Steve must have decided to follow after I had gone out of sight, but not knowing the pub, he went into through the wrong door. I was stood at the exit of the pub waiting for him for over five minutes, and had not seen him in the gents. Eventually he came running out of the Ladies with a very red face and shot past me through the door. I followed him and after much quizzing, I eventually got it out of him that he had been stood there waiting for a cubicle to become free, not noticing that there were no stand up toilets. Eventually he got fed up of waiting and decided to kick a door open, at which point he must have got the shock of his life when he discovered what he had done. Thankfully what he saw did has not scarred him for life.

Luckily for Steve I know first hand that Alison is a good cook. At University, Steve's culinary skills extended to beans on toast, or If he was feeling adventurous he would try some cheese on his beans. I remember once he was feeling overly adventurous and tried to combine his main meal with his dessert. He made beans and cheese on toast with his dessert stuck in the middle of them: two chocolate bars.
And so to the stag night a week ago. As you can see we did not make any permanent scars on Steve, not visible ones anyway. We did however, manage to get him on stage in one of the clubs. He was dragged on stage, and was dancing on his own, or should I say standing there looking very paranoid, when a girl jumped on stage from the audience. She then proceeded to strip Steve down to his suave Calvin Klein underpants. At this point Steve was starting to get into the swing of things and surprisingly he doing some form of dance, or it could be that he was squirming with embarrassment. A hand then appeared from nowhere out of the audience and pulled down Steve's underpants. luckily for Steve it was only his rear that was revealed to the world to see. He turned around, using both hands to protect his dignity and started jumping like zeberdee to the edge of the stage and promptly fell head first off the stage. He lay there for several minutes squirming around like a worm desperately trying to get his pants back up.

Later on in the night we were at the Ritz, and we were chatting at the bar. A girl came up, stood next to Steve and whilst staring at him she started to giggle. Her giggle turned into laughter, and Steve was unsurprisingly getting very Paranoid by now. Eventually he got so fed up he turned around to her and asked her what she was laughing about. She answered "I've seen your Willie!!!".

I could not have asked for a better friend than Steve, he has always been there when I needed him and always seems to have the right advice. I hope I have been even half as good a friend to Steve as he has to me.

Steve is a real romantic at heart, and he and Alison have had a very romantic journey to this day.

They met in the romantic setting of Italy in summertime, where both of them exchanged telephone numbers and agreed to meet up after the holiday, only having met each other once or twice. I remember Steve telling me he had met this gorgeous blonde on holiday and was going down to see her in Wrexham. Normally Steve would be very nervous at the prospect of going on a first date, but he seemed surprisingly calm, and was really looking forward to it. Obvious to say it must have gone well, as we are here today.

Steve also proposed to Alison in one of the most romantic cities, the city of Paris. I remember Steve being really disappointed when Alison found out that she going to be taken to Paris for the weekend. Steve was going to do things so romantically, that he wanted to pick her up from work, make her pack a weekend bag and take her to Paris, not telling her where she was going. It didn't happen quite as he intended, but I think you'll agree he deserves top marks for effort.
I sincerely hope you both have a happy marriage, you both deserve it. I also hope you have a great honeymoon, which I'm told is that time between "I do" and "You'd better".

So ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to the newly weds, Mr and Mrs Hxxxxxx!