Speech by Mark Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Johnson
Speech Date: Sep2004
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen –

The first thing I'd say is that as a rule best mans speeches are always full of sexual innuendo, but so I don't offend anyone, if there's anything slightly risqué, I promise I'll whip it out immediately.

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long this speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love.
So with that in mind, thank you everyone, you have been a wonderful audience. (SIT DOWN)

My name is Mark, and I have the privilege of being Arrons best man today, and he's just said if it all goes well, I can be his best man next time as well.

Arron and Katie you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Arron couldn't have done any better, and Katie couldn't have done any worse.

It's my official duty to thank Arron for his kind words on behalf of the bridesmaids Jane, Marylyn and Lindsey. And I think everyone will agree with me when I say they look absolutely stunning today and did a wonderful job.

(APPLAUSE)

Special thanks should also go to the ushers Andrew and Craig who somehow managed to look handsome and also performed their duties fantastically as well.

(APPLAUSE)

And I mustn't forgot our stunning bride Katie, who looks won in a million today as opposed to Arron who looks like he was won in a raffle!

When Arron picked me to be his best man, I was honestly shocked and moved that Arron had chose me out of our close circle of friends to be his best man, because we both have some great close friends whom we have both know for many many years. Then I felt pride and I felt privileged that out of that close group of friends, Arron thought of me as his best friend, and that means a lot to me Arron, so cheers mate!

But then my thoughts turned to horror and worry when I realised I would have to organise the stag weekend for 15 rowdy blokes, look after the rings today AND deliver a funny, witty and moving best mans speech. No pressure then?

Some of my other duties as best man, were to make sure Arron had a good nights sleep last night, so we had a few beers in the forum, after which Arron slept like a baby. He woke up every 30 mins crying and asking for his mom. He also wet the bed!

Actually speaking of Arron mom, “was you ever a weightlifter rose?”
Well, how do you mange to raise a dumbbell like this then?

It's also my responsibility to get Arron to the church, sober, dressed and looking handsome, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. I'm only a best man not a plastic surgeon.

I've been Arrons friend now for some 15 years and we've grown up together, matured together????? And had some adventures in our time as friends. I remember one of our experiences together was when we were young; we were pretending to smoke cigarettes. It was in Ron and Roses Garage, however, we were too young to buy cigarettes, and so I got one of those firework lighters you get. Arron thought it would be a good idea to get a sheet of newspaper, rolled it up into a tube, light the end and take the biggest drag you've ever seen on pure ash and smoke. Needless to say Arron has had a lung capacity of about 70% ever since and he hasn't tried smoking since either.

When we was too young to go in pubs, we used to go to a place called “Arron's Den”, which is a ditch up on the hill near were we live. We'd go to the off licence down Fire Vale and the oldest looking person would go in and get the cans. Craig on this occasion had a bottle of Malibu that I remember he drank down in one go taking about 10 seconds to down it. However it lasted even less than that in his stomach, you could tell his stomach just went “GET OUT!” as he hurled it all back up in about 30 seconds. Arron and a kid called Robert Peacock were on the Newcastle Browns, and decided to have a race. I timed it and I think I timed it to about 12 seconds and actually Robert Peacock won buy a few seconds, which Arron was gutted about. However second after finishing, Robert Peacocks face turned green and then he threw up all his drink including a full sized undigested chip. Which not only was HILARIOUS to all us to this day, but also by default, according to the strict rules made Arron the winner. And it's a title he still holds to this day. It's a good job this speech is AFTER lunch isn't it?

Arron and Katie met some 3 years and 3 months ago, They were actually set up on a blind date by Craig, who for people who don't know, is Katie's nephew, and therefore now Arrons nephew, so you'll have to share the baby sitting duties now arron, look after your little nephew craigy. If you didn't know Craig is about 7 foot tall and a copper and giving me the dead eye so I'll carry on.

How compatible are our Az and Katie, well this is well demonstrated by a story they told me the other night. On holiday they took part in a game of Mr and Mrs where one of the questions was, “Where did you first meet, to which Katie correctly replied, “We went to TGI Fridays”. When Arron was asked the same question he replied, “I first met Katie's on her doorstep”
Old romantic Az eh?

It's tradition to mention the stag do, but as the old saying goes, “What goes on tour stays on tour!” But I'm gonna mention it anyway.

Well Arron's got a clean conscience, it should be clean he's never bloody used it.

We went to a hotel in Leicester where the hotel pool was flooded! How you flood a swimming pool I'll never know, Friday night we went to the dog track and the 11th race of the night was officially called the “Arron Ogden Beanhead Dr Who Race” I'll let you all ask Arron the reasons why later. Now I've obviously been out on the pop with Arron a couple of times over the past years and I have to say, it's not the first time I've seen Arron hand over money for a dog. It's not the first time Arron has shouted a dogs name while it performs for him, but it is the first time I've seen a dog come first eh Arron? And he told me he was “UP” as we left the stadium, so read into that what you will ladies and gentleman!

On Saturday we went paintballing and the bruises were quite a sight, as many wife's and girlfriends will have seen, At least paintballing WAS the story wasn't it lads?
Arron did seam to come away quite unscathed though, He said it was his TA army training, but I guess if hiding at the back while everyone else gets shot is TA training, I think we all learnt something about the TA's on that Saturday afternoon. If you didn't know the TA's are also known as the SAS – Saturdays and Sundays or the SWAT team – Some weekends and Tuesdays.

I think I've waffled on long enough now and you'll all be wanting a drink from the bar, but before I move on to the cards, on behalf of the Arron and Katie, I would like to thank everyone here for coming and making this such a special day… …But from those unable to make it here today I do have a couple of messages I'd like to share…

Arron, I can't help thinking of what could have been – Loving you always- George Michael.

Dear Arron,
I hope your not going to forget us now your married, from all the girls down at the Crystal Phallus Massage Parlour down Attercliffe. It's nice to see good customer after care eh Arron?

Here are some good words of advice I've found for young couples.…

…Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes, and it is the woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something they would like to have dinner with.

That said though; I've also read that women are also like a fine wine. They start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a headache.

My personal final words of advice, for perfect marital bliss forever and ever go to Katie; the TV remote control is Arrons and Arrons alone!!!!!

In all seriousness though Az, it has been a great honour to be your best man here today, but more importantly to have known you as a true friend over the last 15 years. I sincerely wish both you the happiest of marriages and may our friendship continue for many years to come.

(FINAL TOAST)

Ladies and Gentlemen, May I now ask you to stand, and it gives me great pleasure, not to mention immense relief, to ask you to raise your glasses in a toast to Arron and Katie, the new Mr and Mrs Ogden. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.

Arron and Katie