Speech by Mark Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Jones
Speech Date: Jul 2009
Right, so where do I start?! Before I get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of this traditional best man's speech I would like to thank Stephen for his kind words about the bridesmaids who of course looked fantastic and did a great job today. It was a great privilege to be asked by Stephen to be his best man today. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 5 years ago, during which Stephen took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, so today I now have the right to reply. Actually when Stephen asked me to be his best man, my first thought was god please help me I need to make a speech. What am I going to talk about? I wanted to do the job justice so I decided some research was needed so I turned to the internet.

I set out to search for information on the responsibilities of the best man along with some hints and tips but as anyone who has used the internet will know, it is very easy to get side tracked especially when the wife's out. Anyway after being side tracked for a couple of hours I got back to my research on best man type things. I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: –
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Linda must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle.altar.hymn, aisle altar hymn, I'll alter him etc.

I suppose the first thing the best man should explain is how he knows the groom. Well, being his younger brother we first met long before I can remember, so we are very close. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Stephen, likewise there's nothing Stephen wouldn't do for me, in fact we spent most of our time doing nothing for each other. I will start at the point of our early life as toddlers.
Growing up together in those early days, I am proud to say that I was an angelic child, no trouble to anyone, but the same could not be said of Stephen. He showed no respect to his younger brother. I became an innocent victim of his loutish behaviour. &quotMark, flush your socks down the toilet&quot he used to say. Mark do this Mark do that And under duress I did. But that lout grew up into the nearly well-mannered and well-presented individual we see sitting here today. Stephen has finally matured.

My research told me that my speech should involve some humorous stories at the groom's expense, well character assassination really. So First of all, Stephen's drink problem – well the main problem is that he can't handle his drink. Mind you his new wife Linda will be able to give him some good training. And secondly, Stephens ex-girlfriend – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Stephens Ex, at bay today. But fortunately Foot and Mouth got rid of her last year so no worries there.

I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Linda see in Stephen? Well I have known him all my life and too be fair…I don't know either!
Could it be his romantic touch, a six pack and the play station 3, surely not? So it must be his humour, the laugh a minute especially when he's finished his six pack. Linda did actually tell me Stephen has brightened up her life a lot since they have been together. Then she said she actually meant he never turns the lights off but it amounts to the same thing pretty much. I remember a few years ago he said &quotthat he would never get married&quot, but if he did, &quothe would like to marry a woman with small feet&quot. &quotWhy small feet?&quot I asked. &quotSo she can get closer to the sink and cooker&quot he answered.

I have managed to obtain some of Stephen's old school reports and some comments from his work colleagues, they all tell a story: Stephen was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects”. Sorry that should be, Stephen was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.” Geography. Stephen is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine. Biology. Whilst Stephen is often very enthusiastic, he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test. Religious Education, Stephens's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

On leaving school Stephen's teenage years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl. Something he still hasn't grown out of yet. To be truthful Stephen and Linda have shared many romantic moments I would like you to both share one with us all here today. Linda please can you put your left hand flat on the table and Stephen please can you place yours on top of it.

Marvellous, I would like you to remember and treasure this moment forever…the last time you will have the upper hand Stephen and from experience I personally know this one is true. Before I finish I have a couple of messages to read out from people who couldn't be here today. There is also a card from those guys from the football team Stephen once tried to join. It says, ”Stephen was useless in all positions but we hope Linda has more luck with him later” not sure what that means but anyway.

Joking aside, I want to say what a privilege it is today to be your best man. I couldn't wish for a better brother and how much this means to me is really impossible to put into words. The whole family is proud of you Stephen, and we are all thrilled to see you marrying your beautiful bride Linda today
So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Stephen and Linda. We wish them well for the future. To love, life, laughter and happily ever after… Stephen and Linda….