Speech by Mark Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Jones
Speech Date: 15/06/2010 02:56:43

BEST MAN'S SPEECH

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, I'm Mark and I'm Karl's best man today.

 Before I get on with the tradition of trying to embarrass the groom I would like to start by thanking Karl for his kind words on behalf of our lovely bridesmaids. They all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I would also like to thank on behalf of Amanda  and Karl those of you who have made a particularly long journey to be here. Everyone here looks fantastic, and you are all only rightly outshone by Amanda herself who I think everyone will agree looks stunning.

Thank you to the usher Paul for doing the really difficult job of telling people where to sit in the church……especially Phil for actually turning up on time for once, well done mate.

I should like to add to the thanks to the parents Dave & Linda and Alan and Betty which Karl has so eloquently expressed on this wonderful occasion. I ask you to join me in drinking the toast of ‘The Parents’. 

I'd also like to congratulate Karl on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I couldn't follow a word of it mate

When Karl asked me to be his best man I was obviously very flattered. But then I realised I would have to give a speech of my own, and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Karl….… the problem is I'm not used to doing either of those things so please bear with me!

The week before the wedding, I emailed Amanda and asked her if there was anything she would like me to do to help with plans. I got back 3 requests. First, make sure Karl isn't hung over before the wedding. Secondly make sure he isn't late. And thirdly make sure he looks smart and handsome.

The first of these was straightforward enough; the second was pretty much taken care of by the men's outfitters, and the last? Sorry Amanda, I'm the ‘best man’ not a magician…

As some of you may know,  not everything has gone smoothly in the run up to the wedding. Firstly was the Stag Party with no Stag, as Karl was in A+E by 4pm that day, with 2 broken ribs and a morphine drip in one arm. I must admit, I did feel a little bit sorry for Karl, laid up as he was, but as I have realised doing my research for this speech, that was nothing out of the ordinary.

Then there was the last minute dash with the hire of the morning dress for Karl and myself. All I will say is one of us had top get a smaller suit than we had been measured for – (point at myself) – and somebody has to go up a few sizes. When the ‘gentleman’ at the hire shop asked Karl what he had been eating,  Karl was adamant that he hadn't put and weight on, and he is as slim and athletic as he was in his teens. He even went as far as he could still fit into some of his old school uniform – which I thought should be kept between him and Amanda, until I realised he meant his old school socks! (see picture)

Keeping with the school theme, Karl and myself have been friends since we were at school together in Padiham. I'm sure that Karl will agree and won't mind me saying that he wasn't the most studious on people when it came to the classroom. He was more interested in his leisure activities, like golf, tennis, fishing, football, climbing, skiing and cycling. Actually, cycling is a passion that both Karl and I share. When I say share, Karl spends 50% of his time trying to break his bike, and then the other 50% is spent by my trying to fix it for him!

As I said before, Karl is no stranger to danger. His catalogue of self inflicted injuries is pretty impressive, so here goes. Broken ribs, broken fingers, ruptured knee ligaments, herniated disc, blackened fingernails, ruptured ankle ligaments, and knocked his teeth loose, not to mention the damage you did to that sheep on Pendle hill – cycling, not sheep rustling. It really is no wonder you've married a Physiotherapist!

Oh, I almost forgot one of your more spectacular episodes, involving the national grid. Karl's mum has reliably told me that one of his more memorable escapades was when he found an old plug top and decided to fit it into a socket, with spectacular results! If you would all like to see Exhibit A, I think we can now all see the reason for the hair.

Having spent plenty of time with Karl before he met Amanda, I can positively testify that she has worked a miracle domesticating Karl. I went round to the house the other day and Karl had hung out the washing, cleaned up, and was cooking spag bol for dinner. But as we can see from Exhibit B, it hasn't always been like that. . .

Exhibit B was taken when Karl used to share a flat. I have a short story here from a mutual friend of ours Tracey which illustrates my point perfectly . . . Kate and myself  used to live in a flat which had a spare room, there was just us 2 girls living there……..Karl stayed one night and never went home for over 12 months. He convinced myself and Kate that we needed a man about the house to look after us, and keep us safe in-case anyone knocked on the door late at night, oh, and  he could cook he said… blah blah. So we let him move in.. oh and he very rarely cooked. We had to go down the back street into the cellar to put the gas card in, but Karl never once did this. . . he didn't like it as it was dark there was no light….… oh and Mr I will look after you would send one of us 2 to go to the door if it was late on at night in-case they were scary.

But his finest moment was the time he promised to do the washing up. . .  . .he actually hid the washing up in the oven and told us he had done it. We soon found out what he had done when we put the oven on to pre heat and very quickly the whole flat was filled with a horrible smell.

But as I said before, Karl is a changed man. I spoke to Amanda about how Karl and her met. On Amanda's first visit to sunny Padiham, Karl wooed her with a lovely home cooked dinner, and a romantic walk. And where did Karl take her? Around scenic Pendle, shrouded in the mystery of the Pendle Witches? Or around the manicured gardens of the stately Gawthorpe Hall? Nope, if look at Exhibit C,  you will see he took the woman of his dreams for a look around what we called as kids, ‘the fat pipe’. Classy Karl.

Somehow it must have worked, because here we are now, celebrating the marriage of Karl and Amanda. It doesn't seem long ago I was where Karl is now, at my own wedding. When both my wife and myself spoke afterwards, we were amazed that after months of preparation, the whole day went like a blur, but what a wonderful experience it was for both of us, and I hope that your day will be as special to you as our was.

So, as a married man I feel it my duty to pass onto you a few tips that were passed onto me on my wedding day. I might not always/rarely get them right, but here goes.

1. Love honour and cherish each other, and most importantly, don't forget to take out
   the bins.
2. Your wife is always right
3. Just in case she is not right, refer back to #2
4. Always, yes always, notice every new hairstyle or dress
5. Do something nice for each other every single day
6. And Karl, flowers are always a good Idea, even if you are not in trouble

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head. – Marge Simpson

Women are meant to be loved, not understood. – Oscar Wild 

And so It gives me immense pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to be upstanding, raise you glasses and join me in a toast to the happy couple.

We wish them well for the future. To love, life, laughter and happily ever after.
To Karl and Amanda the new Mr and Mrs Dale! Ladies and gentleman the bride and groom.