Speech by Mark Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Jones
Speech Date: 24/05/2015 15:32:20

The problem with speaking last is that everyone nicks the best jokes. I knew it would be hard to follow Matt's speech and I was right… I couldn't follow a bloody word of it!

For those of you who don't me, I'm Mark and I have the honour of being Matt's best man. I worked with Matt for a while but I've also known him since first school, back when he was naive, socially awkward and couldn't dress himself properly. Not much has changed really.

I'm actually a bit nervous, not going to lie. Matt told me that if I did a good job today, he'd have me as best man for his next wedding. Before the speeches, I was warned not to use the “F-word”. ‘Don't mention the f-word! That's a no-no!’ Personally, I don't see a problem with using the F-word. We all use it. We all do it. Most of you will go home tonight and do it. Matt and Sarah will definitely being doing it! The F-word is what makes the wedding official! *PAUSE* I am, of course, talking about Facebook. Unless it's on Facebook, then it's not official! Could be worse, I nearly used the joke about poking your inbox…

Now, I think I speak for everyone when I say that Sarah looks absolutely stunning *APPLAUSE*  Matt just looks stunned as usual. The bridesmaids, Becky and Faith, are also looking marvellous so well done to you and the ushers, Blake and Drew, for doing such a good job today. *APPLAUSE*

Today is a memorable occasion and something we can all cherish – because Matt's finally… got to buy a round! Actually, that's not fair because Matt really is a generous guy. You may not know this, but he even does work for charity. For instance Matt, do you remember when we did that ‘Cycle to Lapland’? What a stag night that was.

Let's talk about the stag do for a moment, which was a pretty standard affair… poor choice of words. We went paintballing during the day, where Matt bravely dressed in a stag costume for the whole day. I smiled as Matt was called upon to run “the gauntlet”, where the whole group lined up and shot at the stag. I didn't realise that the groom would have to join him! Anyway, we survived the gauntlet and then we heard a voice ask “whose birthday is it then?” leading me to think either a) he thought it was Matt's birthday and was just dressed up for a laugh or b) he thought it was my birthday and that Matt… just seemed like the type who'd dress in a stag costume for no reason. I think it was the latter

After that, we went out into Worcester and Matt was dancing on the bar after 6 or 7… sips. Then we all watched the ‘Big Fight Live’ – when Matt got home. As for Sarah, she went to see ‘Shrek’, even though you're not supposed to see the groom on the hen night. I did consider stripping and handcuffing Matt to a tramp during the evening, but then I thought about the indignity and humiliation it would cause. The homeless guy had been through enough already.

At this point, I'd like to say well done Sarah and Matt… Sorry, I mean well done Sarah on getting the wedding organised. I'm not saying that Matt's useless, but when asked which flower he'd prefer, Matt replied: “self-raising”. * TAKE NEWSPAPER OUT OF POCKET* I noticed that Matt put an ad in The Shuttle to mark today's event – it reads ‘FOR SALE: Complete Encyclopaedia Britannica. No longer needed. Wife knows everything.’

Matt found Sarah online, after many long searches on e-Harmony, Tinder… and Grinder. I believe Matt used his famous Tesco chat-up line which was ‘Have you got any ID?’ which a sensible policy. I've known Sarah for just a couple of years now and she always struck me as an intelligent and sensible person. I was quickly proven wrong when she agreed to marry this guy. Truthfully, Matt never struck me as husband material. But then I realised that all those years working at Tesco, getting verbal abuse and threats of physical violence… would put him in good stead.

During his time with Sarah, a lot has changed. Sales in chloroform has shot up, for example. Matt has become much more confident and motivated. He left his job at and changed career paths. In fact, since being with Sarah, Matt said he's been trying lots of new positions. Despite her good qualities, Sarah can be quite volatile. One time, after a row, she threw Matt's clothes out of the bedroom window. He was wearing them at the time…

 Now, tradition states that I should bring up some of Matt's past lovers. Luckily for Matt, none of his exes are here today. Thank God for ‘foot and mouth disease’ that's all I can say! In fact I won't be talking about any of Matt's old girlfriends today… just the young ones. I should take this opportunity to reassure Penny and Dave that their new son-in-law is a man of good character. I spoke to some of Matt's closest friends and here are some testimonials:

‘A valuable member of the team, Matthew takes his duties very seriously’ – The Wyre Forest Devil Worshippers’ Club

‘A loyal patron of ours, always a pleasure to have stop over.’ – West Mercia Police

‘Matt and I had some good times together. If he changes his mind, my backdoor is always open.’  That's from Alan Carr. 

A top bloke, as you can tell. Nothing to worry about there. As Best Man and also speaking as a married man, I feel it's my duty to impart some wisdom to you both. So I've written a list of “do's and don'ts” for getting married. ”1: Don't…” *PAUSE* Oh that's it. I hope that helps. You guys don't need any advice from me. They are the perfect couple, pure and simple. Sarah's pure and Matt's…

Instead, I'll leave you with these words: “Marriage is like a deck of cards. It all begins with two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you'll wish you had a club and a spade.” I hope you both enjoy your honeymoon in North Wales. I think it was North Wales, Matt just said he was going to “Bangor” after the wedding. Joking aside, I really do wish you both good health, good fortune and a long and happy marriage together. And thank you for having me share your special day, it's been wonderful. I will definitely come again next year.

So with all that said and done, can you all be up standing, please? And join me in raising a glass to the happy couple, Sarah and Matt. *TOAST* ‘Take a drink, sit down, and wait for applause.’