Speech by Mark Jones

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Jones
Speech Date: sep 2003
Like to thank Mark for his kind words on behalf of the
bridesmaids

For those of you who don't know me I'm Mark and I'm the
best man.

Like most people I'm very nervous about making
speeches, and this is definitely not the first time
today that I've got up off a warm seat holding a piece
of paper.

To help me complete my duties I bought this book ‘ Best
man's duties ‘ by Vernon Heaton . I got to page 7
where it said the following:-

" Maintaining a clear head during the whole of the
wedding is vital for the best man .you should remain
SOBER throughout the day"

And that's as far as I got with this book.(throw book
away)

Tracy told me yesterday if you do one thing then make
sure , that Mark turns up sober and looking good, well
he's sober.

but looking good! I'm the best man not a bloody
plastic surgeon

But anyway , the reason why we're here , it's to
celebrate a marriage Pure & Simple:-

Traceys Pure

and Mark

Well he's no Steven Hawkins is he , but judging by the
stag night they have the same taste in lap dancers

I didn't know Hanks in primary school , but people who
did tell me that when he started primary school he
wasn't like the other 5 year olds .
.he was eleven.

In fact heres a picture of Hanks , in primary school ,
I never knew you were a ginger, Hanks ,and it's nice to
see he's kept his dress sense.

Now for those of you who don't remember Hanks 15 to 20
years ago, his hair was his best feature.

And here's a picture of Hanks starting secondary
schools when I first remember him, as a goalkeeper a
joker and an idiot, he's just starting to develop his
unique hairstyle.

And a few years later, here it is in it's full glory,
the Jackson 5 look.

It was around this time that Hanks started taking an
interest in women , and developed his unique array of
chat up lines.

So to give you an idea of what the poor girl saw, and
also to show you why Mark got blown out everytime I'll
give you a demonstration:-

Let me set the scene ,the year is 1989 Michael Jackson
is still black, Kylie and Jason are at number 1 with
especially for you , and 19 year old Mark Hanks is off
to the Octagon on the pull.

(put on curly wig like hairstyle on picture)

is that a ladder in your tights or is it a stairway to
heaven

Don't be shy your mother wasn't

I'm a hairdresser , you've got lovely hair

I'm a masseuse I do a good frontal

Any way enough about Hanks , I haven't known Tracy very
long but I was talking to her father Clive earlier and
he mentioned how children grow up so quickly and it
seems like only yesterday that Tracy was running about
with a dummy.looks like nothing changed

Hanks mentioned to me that , Tracy knew a lot about
football, he then added the fact that she supported
Man Utd so she can't know that much.

Because of his father Chris, Mark is a Swindon fan and
Tracy is to be part of the family , she'd better ditch
Utd and start supporting the family team and getting
used to losing on a Saturday .

So to help her along , I've bought her this her first
Swindon Town shirt (hold up shirt), and just in case
she forgets who she is .
(turn shirt round its No. 9 , with Mrs Hanks on the top)

And by the way if the sexy lingerie doesn't work
tonight this will.

So finally ladies and gentlemen , would you please be
upstanding , and join me in a toast to Mark and
Tracey.