Speech by Mark Keaveney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Keaveney
Speech Date: 18/08/2014 14:19:56

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mark and I am the best man. You will have to bear with me, the grooms name is Steve but I've known him as Guidge for over 20 years so if I slip up that's who I'm talking about.

Well Steve, I hope you made the most of your speech. Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted.

 Ladies and gentlemen, this is only the second time I've been a best man. I hope I did a good job that time. The couple in question are at least still talking to me. Unfortunately, they're not actually talking to each other … but I'm sure that had absolutely nothing to do with me.

 The most popular piece of advice I was given more than any other for this speech was “don't forget to say how beautiful the bride looks”. While helpful, it was never going to be needed. Kerry looks truly fantastic today and I think we should all raise a glass to the beautiful bride.

 I would like to start by thanking Steve for his kind words on behalf of Lauren, Kerry's bridesmaid. I'm sure you will agree she has carried out her role superbly and is looking lovely today.

 I'd also like to thank Dennis the usher for turning up sober. I know Steve had a dilemma when selecting someone to do the hugely difficult task of telling people where to sit in church!

 Now, I asked around for an idea of how long my speech should last and the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love.

So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit)

(get back up)

In life, it's difficult to imagine Morecambe without Wise, tom without jerry, Romeo without Juliet, Steve without Brentford FC Del without Rodney, and of course Steve without Kerry

 Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible.

So where do you begin for ideas?

The obvious place seemed to be the Internet so I jumped straight on it

After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Steve and Kerry ….so it looks like it's down to me after all.

Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? I've known Steve for 25 years now, although my liver swears it's 50.

 I first met Steve when we both went to Mount Carmel Primary School but in different classes, where there was a fierce rivalry between the 2 football sides. This continued to into our adult life as he is a mad Brentford fan and I'm a QPR fan. Don't worry, it's only been over 40 years since you last beat us!

 Back to Mount Carmel football team. I remember Mr Lowe being the Manager and I remember him playing Steve in every position and finding him to be useless in all of them. Kerry, I hope you have more luck.

 Although we went to different high schools, we met up again when we were 18 on a regular basis usually on a Friday night in the Spinning Wheel when happy hour started at 5pm…… and we were usually always there for 10 to 5!

Growing up with Steve has been great fun. We have shared many laughs together, although normally at my expense. That is why I must thank him for giving me this chance to repay him today.

 As most of you know the groom and I go way back. I can genuinely say that there is nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me – in fact we spend our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.

 Then there were the memories of the lads holidays…

 One time that sticks in my mind, was the summer of 2001 when a few of us flew out to Greece for a week of sun, sea and Sambuca, the destination we chose was a quiet fishing village called Kavos. It was our first lad's holiday abroad and it didn't fail to disappoint! Whilst over there I made a fascinating discovery…

Steve's dancing…

I can only imagine that when Steve and Kerry first met in a London club, that he must of been at the bar, because if it was on the dance floor, I probably wouldn't be reading this speech now!

 Before Steve met Kerry, he was a very fussy eater. Every meal he had would involve spuds and more spuds. His choice of pizzas would say it all ‘a margarita’. A pepperoni would push him over the edge. Having been out with Steve and Kerry recently for a Indian, he has now ventured on to a korma so you are doing well Kerry. 

 Having known Steve a long time, one of his subtle tricks is always managing to be the first out of the mini cab, but somehow, the last to get to the bar. When he opens his wallet, the Queen blinks.

 I know a lot of people here are probably wondering just what does Kerry see in Steve?

Well I have known him a long time and too be fair….I don't know either!

So to get back to the question, just what does Kerry see in Steve… probably not the work ethic then….maybe his romantic nature?

 If there are any men out there planning to secretly propose to their girlfriends then the best person to ask for advice has got to be Steve! For any of you that don't know, Steve surprised Kerry by whisking her away to Paris on Valentine's Day, taking her to the top of the Eiffel tower and proposing. Now I'm not sure about the rest of you but I'm sure Kerry had no idea what he was planning!

 On a more serious and sincere note, It was a great privilege been asked to be your best man and I hope I haven't let you down. Steve is my best friend and has been there for me whenever I have needed him. I know how much Kerry means to him and he will always be there for her. Steve idolizes Kerry and he will make a great Husband and Im sure they will be extremely happy for many a year to come.

 Anyone here like me who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company knows what a great couple they are together, perfectly complementing each other.

 Let's talk about Steve a bit more

 A friend like Steve is certainly hard to find. This morning, for instance, we had to look in three pubs and a wine bar.

 With the groom delivered to the church on time and sober, I think I've so far completed all my duties correctly. I even remembered the wedding rings – or as I like to call them “the world's smallest handcuffs”.

 Some of you, incidentally, may have been surprised by how calm and collected Steve has seemed today – he seemed to have avoided the wedding day jitters Howeverthat's probably because none of you saw him at 9:00 o'clock this morning when he was lying on his bed, with his mum rubbing his back trying to get him to eat one more spoonful of sugar puffs.

 Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago Kerry's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…..… and here they are again today..

 Now that Steve and Kerry have tied the knot here's a few words of advice for Steve:

 1. Even if you're right, just admit that you're wrong

2. The best way to remember your anniversary… Is to forget it once!

3. Always remember the special 3 words and say them every day…your right Kerry…

 And for Kerry – A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

 But I have to say how lucky you are Steve because you will leave here today having gained a wife that is attractive, smart, loving and caring.

And, Kerry how lucky you are, you leave today having gained [PAUSE – look at Steve] a new dress and a bouquet of flowers.

 Many people believe that there is one perfect person for everyone. And while I don't know about everyone, I do know about Kerry and Steve. Fate has brought them together, and there couldn't be a more perfect match.

I just have a few cards to read out –

 1)   Thanks for your magnificent support in Cologne from the super chief Asomaoh Gyan

 2)   To Steve and Kerry – Congratulation on your wedding day. Now that you are a married man, please keep off the grass. From Tom, Leeds United head steward

 Well, I won't keep you any longer; I know Steve's dying to buy you all a drink at the bar.

Finally: So to wrap this up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without.

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER, AS Stephen and Kerry START THEIR NEW LIFE, PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE.