Speech by Mark Lane

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Lane
Speech Date: Jun2006
First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Dave for his kind words about them. Not only have they done a great job today, they look great as well.

We can all see that Dave's looking pretty worried about the speech I'm about to deliver, and well he might be. After all, it is said that the best man's speech is the groom's worst five minutes of the day. I guess Leigh's worst five minutes of the day will come much later on tonight after the disco has shut.

I have to admit I know very little about Dave's childhood despite knowing him for so many years. In a brief chat with Dave's mother earlier, however, I managed to find out one interesting piece of information. Apparently Dave was a bit of an ugly duckling when he first came into the world. So much so, Mrs Austin started getting morning sickness AFTER he was born.

In the search for more detail about Dave's childhood, I asked his Uncle Norman if he had any stories about Dave's early years when I picked him up from Newcastle Airport on Thursday. Norman's spontaneous answer was “He was a poor cricketer”. Not much changed there then Dave.

In the absence of any concrete stories, I can only speculate about Dave's early years in Northern Ireland. I imagine they would have involved a lot of sports playing and watching and learning from an early age how to talk as loudly as possible in cricket club bars and pavilions. As several people in this audience will know, this is a skill he has really perfected later in life with the assistance of several bottles of Budweiser after a cricket match.

Dave and I have played for the same local cricket teams for pretty much the last 12 years, to the extent that we now don't enjoy a match unless we're both playing in it. We performed, particularly in the case of Dave, without any great distinction for a village side, Chop Gate, for the best part of ten years. We did, however, became a bit of a double act, taking the mickey out of each other at every opportunity both on and off the pitch. When I changed clubs a couple of years ago, I thought I could play with anonymity but there was to be no such luck. Two weeks of badgering later he persuaded me to make an introduction so he could play as well.

Academically, I assume Dave can't have been particularly bright in his younger days. It was an unfortunate coincidence but he ended up on the same degree course as me at Teesside Poly, widely regarded as the UK's worst Polytechnic at the time, and also the place we first met. The only distinction he got during the course was getting a lower grade than me at the end of it. That is some achievement, I can tell you.

Dave and I were never really friends of any great significance during our days at the Polytechnic, but at the end of the course I ended up taking him in as a tenant in my humble terraced house in Middlesbrough town centre. At the time, it was apparent that we only had one thing in common. We were the only two people on our course who didn't have a job to go to.

Not surprisingly Dave and I were rather skint during those early days of sharing a house and the search for jobs, with the economy in its worst recession for many years, was a nightmare for two lads who had very little on paper to commend them. There was a major upside though. It was during this period that Dave and I became great friends with a mutual love of cricket, football and Sonic the Hedgehog and, despite our very different origins and personalities, an uncannily similar sense of humour. I also warmed to Dave's many endearing characteristics such as falling asleep during Coronation Street and, in the process, knocking over full ashtrays precariously balanced on the arm of his chair.

As our job search continued into a second calendar year things were tight, especially for Dave, as most of his cash went in my pocket to pay his rent and bills. He kept his head above water by living off 10kg bags of potatoes accompanied by economy frozen pies from the local supermarket. This obviously wasn't great for the figure, and it's a figure he's kept pretty much up until now. Even today, Dave still believes a well balanced diet involves having a quarter pounder with cheese in each hand.

Whilst I have remained something of a waste of space since those early days in Middlesbrough, Dave actually went out and found himself a career in accounting in the NHS, a decision he has had no cause to regret, not least because he met the lovely Leigh in the workplace.

I know Leigh is a very special lady. She managed to convince Dave that there's more to life than watching sport on Sky TV, playing cricket and only ever going out on a night time to fetch a takeaway from the local Chinese. Maybe you could work your magic on me some time Leigh.

Dave's enduring lack of adventure is mainly due to the fact that he has still not learnt to drive. In a crude calculation earlier today I worked out that I alone have given him lifts totalling around 13,000 miles in the last 12 years. With his lack of mobility, Dave was obviously over the moon when he helped Leigh to buy a car after she passed her driving test a few years ago. I was also delighted that my days as an unwilling and unpaid taxi driver were over

My relief was short-lived however. No sooner had Leigh got her licence, she decided to have a long-needed operation on her arm, putting her out of driving action for several months. Not renowned for my thoughtfulness, eyebrows were raised when I was one of the first to send her a Get Well card.

Not withstanding the lack of recompense, I have to say it has been a real pleasure chauffeuring Dave around over the years and I wouldn't have had it any other way. We are great friends, have always enjoyed each other's company and without fail manage to make each other laugh. It is a real honour to be Dave's Best Man and it honestly gives me great pleasure that Dave has got married today, particularly to someone as nice as Leigh. I know the two of them have been very nervous about today and haven't had a minute to spare in the last few weeks.

With this in mind, no doubt they were very grateful when Dave's parents, Albert and Florrie, came over a couple of days before the wedding to help out. With a strict itinerary to keep to on Thursday, Dave and Leigh weren't so pleased though when they drove from Middlesbrough to meet them in a 4.15pm rendezvous at Scotch Corner on their way over from Northern Ireland. When they realised Albert and Florrie weren't there at the agreed time, Dave rang them on their mobile to discover that they were, I quote, “having a lovely picnic at Gretna Green”, a mere 85 miles away. The word senility was mentioned, but I'm sure Dave didn't mean it.

Yesterday another three hours of valuable time was lost when Albert decided his wedding suit trousers were too long and they had to drive to the hire shop to get them altered. Apart from that I'm sure their assistance has been invaluable.

I believe it's traditional at this point to impart a few words of wisdom to the bride and groom. Unfortunately I've got absolutely no idea what makes a happy marriage but then that's something I'm sure a few husbands here today can relate to. Just to put things into perspective, I saw an ad in the newspaper last week. It said: “Set of encyclopaedias for sale, just got married, wife apparently knows everything.”

That really just leaves me with a few telegrams to read.

If there aren't any start with: Sorry we can't be with you, have a great day… that's from Alan and Sarah

Dave….don't you go forgetting us now you're married.… And that's with love from all the girls at ‘Hot Spice Sauna & Massage’ in Middlesbrough.

And so to my final duty. Could I ask you all to stand and join me in a toast. To Dave and Leigh, may they have a long and happy life together.