Speech by Mark Marshall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Marshall
Speech Date: Oct2005
A speech for Mick and Angela…

Good afternoon / evening, Ladies Gentlemen Family Friends Girls and boys……:-

Speeches… T hey say speeches should be like a mini skirt , just short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover all the essentials, a bit like a kilt really. No seriously, I asked around earlier today just how long should speeches last for , and the most humourous reply was from a guest from Barnsley :- As long as it takes Mick to perform his manly duties in the bedroom department, well how the hell am I supposed to know that………….so I asked one of his old flames, I believe she is here today somewhere or may well even make an appearance later……
A miss Stella—Stella Artois—Quick look at watch–Raise glass and toast Mick and Angela……….Brief word with Mick and continue……
Ladies and Gentlemen Mick has just informed me that on a few occasions he has been known to perform twice……………Now here is the predicament, while this is very good news for Angela it is not so good news for me , as I don't have much prepared……..However during the course of the day I have been making some observations so here goes : —

Thank yous :- I would like to thank Mick for his kind words on behalf of the Bridesmaids , who im sure you all agree look absolutely wonderful , and have done a fantastic job so far today…

I would like to thank you the guests , I was particularly impressed in the way you all followed Mick's instructions not to laugh at his speech , I did think he would speak for longer today as its probably the last opportunity he will have to speak for any length of time without interruption . I am also impressed that Mick , followed my instructions to dress smartly today , although I must say im a little disappointed that he decided to copy my outfit , simply due to the fact that Mick has 10 skirts in his wardrobe whereas I only have the one .

By the way is everyone feeling ok … no headaches , no tummy upsets anything like that….NO, good then I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Caterers …..…

Congratulations :- Congratulations to the happy couple , especially to Angela who looks stunning today and the dress looks fantastic . As for Mick we all tried our best..…
Sorry , can you here me at the back , good then do me a favour , go get me a larger….…

Prompt Mick and Angela to hold hands, Mick's hand on top of Angela's.…

Stood up :- The last time I stood up and addressed so many people , I was with a whole bunch of criminals and I received a 㿲.00 fine….So naturally its good to see so many familiar faces once again………Especially those from Barnsley..…

Travel :- A lot of people have travelled a long way to be here today so a big well done to Mick's Brother John who has flown in all the way from Ohio , in the good old U .S . of A .…
Or..…
A lot of people have travelled a long way to be here today so a big well done to Denny a proper Scotsman , all the way from Edinburgh , Scotland….…
It never fails to amaze me just how for he will travel for a free vacation food and drink .…
No seriously its good to see you , when are you going back ??????
Well done also to those from Barnsley , I do realise how hard it is to get day release….…

Organisation :- As most of you will know , organising a wedding these days can be a long and stressful task , one that im sure you will agree Angela has achieved to perfection , but all hasn't gone well , infact earlier this week , and not many people know this , but Angela had her credit cards stolen …….When I asked Mick if he had reported it to the police he said ……
“ No im delaying that for a while , because who ever stole them is spending less than Angela .”

Dress code :- You may well be wondering why we are wearing skirts , football socks ballet shoes and a handbag today :- well its because Angela said so……………..You can see who wears the trousers in that house……

Special Requests :- From Angela…..Please make sure that none of Mick's ex-girlfriends show up impromptu and spoil the ceremony…..…
Thankfully this wasn't a problem as the out break of foot and mouth a few years ago saw most of them either shot and burned or qaurantined……………………..…

Long engagement, for better or for worse :- A lot of you will have wondered why Mick and Angela have had such a long engagement , I can only assume Angela was spending the time wisely to find out if she could do any better…………… Lets face it Mick couldn't have done any better and Angela couldn't have done any worse … But in true public transport tradition , you wait long enough and two come along at once……… This will forever be known as Two weddings , two honeymoons , three hen nights , two stag nights and a Blessing in disguise…!!!!
In fact when Mick eventually asked if id be Best man I nearly replied that I cant make it , but I would come to the next one…!!!!! Little did I know..…

A few weeks ago I had a chat to Mick on what he was hoping to get out of Married life , he paused for a moment ,then without hesitaion replied ………
“ Happiness , Companionship and look at Angela maybe a family .” Beautiful words indeed .
When I asked Angela the same question she replied ……….” A Toaster . “

In fact come to think ,I can now remember Mick saying that he would only marry a Woman with small feet , So she can stand closer to the kitchen sink . These days we cant get Angela into the kitchen let alone anywhere near the sink …..You see Angela has a daily plan to always get home after Mick , so that she doesn't have to prepare the evening meal , so I have a few small gifts to amend this :–

Pass over a clock so she can leave work on time….…
Pass over a road map so she never gets lost ………
Pass over a cook book so she can cook from it ……..…

Mick , you can let go now because for the last few minutes you have done something you wont be able to do ever again , “ Get the upper hand over Angela .” yes you are now Man and Wife……

The Rabbit Joke – – – Mr Stephen Desmond .

This is your life :- Mick was born at a very early age , he was so surprised by his birth that he was speechless for about a year and a half ……..Muriel , his mother didn't
Get morning sickness until after he was born…………
Mick was not the prettiest baby , in fact , he was the only baby in Sheffield to have shutters on his pram…
After a nappy filling childhood , Mick reached the age of 4 …After 6 years of trying….…
He was a slow starter. At play school Mick was different from all the other 5 year olds ..…
He was 11……….…
When he was 18 he used to leave all the girls speechless…..I mean they wouldn't talk to him.…
School reports :- I've managed to come across some old school reports , so lets see !!!!!!!!!!!

Head teachers comments :- In summary , Mick is an ideal student who has excelled at most subjects , however on closer inspection and once the tippex was carefully removed it actually read :– In summary , Mick is an idol student who has been expelled from most subjects .
Maths :- Not the sharpest pencil in the case . I remember on holiday in Italy once , the waiter asked Mick if he wanted his pizza cutting into 4 or 8 slices , Mick replied oh 4 please , I don't think I can eat 8 ………..…
Cookery :- Well it's a good job you took those lessons , as its paying dividends now ..…
History :- Mick is that old , when Mick was at school there wasn't any History…..…
Music :- I really admire his hands on approach , although it would be advised that Mick joins a band instead of playing with himself ………
Craft and design :- Mick has a real difficulty in differentiating between millimetres and inches……………some things will never change..…
Finally R.E. :- Mick still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins ……

Comments from the floor :- Some wonderful comments from people close to you .…
A great friend……… that was mine
Round and hairy…… anonymous , from Barnsley
Who…………….… Tony and Sue
Thoughtful , caring , trustworthy and charismatic In general , all very kind words
In fact I barely found a person who had a bad word to say , although when I heard …..…
Belligerent , lazy , stubborn and obstinate , I thought hang on that's a bit strong , but I suppose if his Mother doesn't know him who does ………

Words of advice :- Some words of advice on this your wedding day………
1 , Never go to bed angry with each other ……..Always stay up and argue.
2 , The best way to remember your anniversary ….… Is to forget it once.

Sabre The Champagne…!!!

Ladies , Gentlemen , Family friends , Girls and Boys………This last 10 minutes has probably been a little uncomfortable for Mick…….…
But for the record ……..the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Angela's day will be coming later, courtesy of Mick . Infact ive heard tonight Mick is going to show Angela something that she hasn't seen before…!!!
The Kitchen

Mick , Angela the pleasure has been all mine , and I would like to break from tradition….…
As you have laid on this special day for all your guests to enjoy , may I be permitted to propose a toast…………..…
Mick , Angela Bridesmaids please raise your glasses :–

YOUR GUESTS…