Speech by Mark Mason

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Mason
Speech Date: 21/08/2010 18:55:55

OPENING

Ladies and gentlemen, it is with a tremendous amount of pride that I find myself standing here before you all today to celebrate the marriage of my best mate Chris to his lovely wife Wendy. Thanks for asking me to be the Best Man on your special day, it's a real honour.

ICE BREAKER

However, I must admit to feeling slightly nervous at the prospect of having to put you all through the difficulty of understanding my northern accent. Nevertheless, I will try and speak clearly to allow the Southerners amongst you to keep up!

FIRST MEETING

I have known Chris for about 4 years now. I can still remember vividly the first time that we met. It was at a Halloween party at the world famous 65 Kimberley Road hotspot in Southbourne. The evening was going well – lots of drinking, dancing, fun and laughter. Unfortunately it was the visit of a group of gate crashers that promptly brought proceedings to a close.

Now then, everybody's perception of gate crashers normally involves a group of skin heads, bovver boots and all, tooled up to the max looking for a scrap. However, in this instance it was a group of mild mannered lawyers from Wimborne Minster, who had had far too much vodka to drink and were looking for a case to defend. Following an altercation, involving yours truly and a chase down the stairs, Chris and I were left to defend the house by holding the doors closed whilst they tried to force their way back in. Shortly after, the arrival of the local Constabulary put an end to it all – case closed!

ANECDOTE 1

Things steadily progressed from then on. Not long after the party we found ourselves in Newquay for a 3 day camping trip with a difference. Chris decided to drive his then car, a BMW 3 series, the 300 mile round trip to and from Cornwall. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, I have never set foot in a car since that used more fuel than the NASA Space Shuttle. We're still paying off the fuel charge for that trip, and I'm sure that the resulting credit card bill was one of the main reasons for the recession currently facing us all!

On the way to the South West we stopped off for supplies, which included a pork pie that we kept in the boot of the car and was regularly tucked into during the 3 day trip. We then located our campsite for the weekend, or Guantanamo Bay as we now like to call it. It wasn't that bad – the orange suits did chafe a bit though! Anyhow, we all headed out for a night on the town to be faced with what can only be described as a scene from Booze Britain. Nevertheless, based on the experience of the earlier Halloween party fiasco, we believed that we were suitably trained to deal with anything put before us and got stuck into the pork pie, followed by a good night out.

Things seemed to be going well and we had even successfully managed to avoid the obligatory altercation at the taxi rank. However, things went steadily downhill from then on. Driving through the streets of Newquay at night we were surprised by the amount of smoke covering the whole of the town centre.

Nonplussed we arrived back at Guantanamo Bay for lock down. It was only in the morning during a full English Breakfast and nursing a bad hangover that we noticed were the smoke had come from. Looking out over the bay in the direction of Newquay town centre, one of the largest and most famous hotels in Cornwall was still on fire and heading for complete destruction! We had been yards away from certain death. Trouble seemed to be following him everywhere he went!

ANECDOTE 2

After the Cornwall trip and the subsequent drain on the natural resources of the UK that his car had caused, Chris changed motors and opted for a Renault Laguna Estate, Turbo Diesel version, with a better fuel economy than the BMW – or so he thought!

I'll set the scene for you shall I ladies and gentlemen. The sun was shining, the sky was blue and the car was packed for a weekend away to Bristol. The group of us set off on time, an absolute first, and decided to stop off at Warminster Services on the way for a well earned rest and refreshments. The journey was going well, we were making great time and the Laguna was a pleasure to drive, wasn't it Chris? In fact I recall Chris saying, “This car is a comfortable ride and is great for these long journeys, much better than the BMW”.

However, a couple of miles further into the journey and there was the sound of a thud from the engine bay and a sudden drop in power. We decided to pull into a lay by to check out the problem. Looking under the bonnet, with only the moonlight to guide us, there appeared to be a few splashes of oil but nothing indicating a big, mechanical malfunction. Since hunger was setting in and there was no pork pie in the boot, we decided to drive on and stop at Warminster Services for a break.

Everything seemed OK when we pulled away from the lay by but as soon as Chris accelerated, all hell broke loose! Clanging, banging, rattling and a massive plume of white smoke resembling a Space Shuttle take off enveloped the car. We were travelling down the road at 20 miles an hour, with smoke billowing out of the car, blinding all the cars in front of and behind us. There was now a rush on to reach the Service Station…Chris put pedal to the metal but the speed stayed the same!

The temperature gauge was rising and the smoke cloud from the engine was now visible by satellite! At this point we believed the car was going to explode and we feared for our lives. Amazingly we made it to the Services but rather than stopping the car immediately wherever he could and running for cover, for some reason Chris adopted the role of a BSM driving instructor and decided to reverse the car perfectly between the lines of the closest parking space. As he was doing so, with the amount of smoke now resembling that seen at the Buncefield Oil Refinery fire, on leaving the car and immersing himself in the smoke, Chris, dead pan as ever, uttered the immortal line from Stars in Your Eyes, “Tonight Matthew, I am going to be…”

A couple of minutes later the Fire Brigade arrived to extinguish the flames. After cooling the engine down, declaring the car a write-off and making the area safe, one of the Firemen turned to us and said, “Haven't I seen you two before in Newquay?”

CLOSING

As you can tell, Chris has had some unlucky moments, but lady luck was definitely smiling down on him on the night that he met Wendy. I remember thinking very early on in their relationship that they are a perfectly suited couple and my opinion has never changed. Like me, I'm sure you can all notice a special connection between Chris and Wendy. They enjoy each other's company and, as with all successful couples, they like to have fun together. They are a team and they look out for each other and are successfully building a life together. I'm sure you will all agree that they have organised a fabulous wedding day and that they will without doubt spend an enjoyable life together as a happily married couple.

TOAST

Therefore, I am very happy to have stood here today as the Best Man at such a wonderful union of two amazing people. Would you all then please stand and raise your glasses with me and toast the Bride and Groom.

To Chris and Wendy!