Speech by Mark McGill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark McGill
Speech Date: aug2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Mark and yes I am the one who drew the short straw today…sorry, given the honour of being Richard's best man.

First of all, I'd like to thank Richard on behalf of the bridesmaids, I think you'll all agree that they look fantastic and did a great job today. The bride looks cracking also so, well done Richard.

I think it's been a wonderful day, a brilliant ceremony and everyone said I do in all the right places. It's been a pretty good turn-out to say the least and I know it means a lot to Richard to have so many family and friends who have travelled far to be here today…it just goes to show you how far the English will travel for a free meal!

This is actually the first time I have been a best man. When Richard rang and asked me, my initial response was of course horror, but then after thinking about it I realized that it wasn't so bad after all. Along with all the mundane duties, like remembering the wedding rings, and getting him to the church on time came the opportunity to organize the stag do, completely demolish Richard's character in the speech, but more importantly to come over to Ireland for the very first time and try some authentic Guinness! So of course I said yes.

Now, I'm sure a number of the men here today have been a best man at a wedding before…but I wonder how many of you have ever received written guidelines from the bride-to-be beforehand?

I would like to read you a short e-mail that Gillian sent me prior to the wedding (Show Email).

Dear Mark,

I was very pleased when Richard asked you to be best man at our wedding and I instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfil this crucial role on our big day. But…I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it. With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Richard sing
DO NOT mention Richard's little problem
DO NOT let Richard drink tequila
DO NOT let Richard drink whisky
DO NOT let Richard drink
And finally…
Make sure you keep your clothes on and
definitely make sure Richard keeps his clothes on.

Lots of love,
Gillian

Now I can't promise anything, but I have tried to
take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed and I would like to share with you some of the duties that I have been involved with… I am sure you will agree that my first duty of getting Richard to the church not only looking smart but also on time and relatively sober was a success and indeed something of an achievement.

Another of my duties was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Richard's ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully though, due to a lack of numbers, this has been made a lot easier.

Mind you, I shouldn't really mock Richard's technique as I don't have much look with women myself. I did think about getting married at one point so I put an ‘ad’ in the paper that simply said: "Wife wanted". The next day I received over a hundred letters and they all said the same thing: "You can have mine!"

As regards’ organising the stag-do, we decided as Richard is a respectable member of the community, we wouldn't dress him up in any sort of costume. Richard however, had other ideas. By the end of the night in the nightclub, he had acquired a fake chest hair wig and was going up to all the girls and asking them to stroke it (the wig I mean). He was also wearing a pair of sparkly teeny boppers on his head, a learner plate on his back and a sign that read "still a virgin" on his front. I think most of the girls in the club couldn't decide whether he was joking or whether he was actually telling the truth and just going for the sympathy vote!

For those who don't know, Richard and I have been friends for about 15 years. We've had a lot of laughs, and as I'm sure friends and family will tell you, life with Richard is never ever dull. It's in the beer drinking department that Richard has done some of his best work and so it's perhaps, unsurprisingly that he and Gillian first met each other in a pub in London. The chat-up line that Richard used was: "Would you like a ride…on me bike". Yes, I am as amazed as you that it actually worked but it obviously did. Still, they started seeing each other, things moved along nicely between them and everyone had their fingers crossed for the happy couple. Then, one weekend, Richard took Gillian away for a romantic trip to the Cotswolds. They were out for a meal one night and everything was going really well. Richard then bent down to tie his shoelace, Gillian jumped to conclusions and…here we are today. Mind you, I'm glad that it turned out like this and I know this is the start of something wonderful:

Richard, you are a lucky man; you've got Gillian. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving, caring. And Gillian, you've got…Richard!

One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. And this, everyone is so definitely true for Richard and Gillian, a couple so suited it's untrue. I'd like to thank Richard for asking me to be his best man and it's been a real pleasure helping Richard and Gillian prepare for today.

Actually, when I told my boss I was coming over for the wedding he said: "Oh Mark, that's great. Do you know, I've been married for thirty years and I'm as happy today as was on my wedding day, thirty years ago…and what a miserable day that was!"

Well, I think that's my queue to wrap things up. It's not that I've run out of material, it's just that I've remembered Richard is a policeman.There are many more things to say, but for fear of being arrested and charged I'll leave them where they belong…well and truly buried!

Now, before proceeding with the toast I would like to read a couple of messages and cards from those not here this afternoon: (Read a few genuine ones first)

"To Richard, a loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride. P.S. Will you be renewing your subscription? Regards, Big & Bouncy magazine."

Ladies and Gentleman, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Richard and Gillian, the new Mr and Mrs Vincent-Jones. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage…Richard and Gillian!!