Speech by Mark Molloy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Molloy
Speech Date: aug2002
FORNICATION [Pause]

Oh! I'm sorry, FOR AN OCCASION SUCH AS THIS there is nothing like preparation in making a best-man's speech – and this is nothing like preparation. However, even with such short notice, I could not be more proud in having the opportunity to be here today. I would very much like to thank Paul and Dee for inviting me to Ireland and asking me to be his best man.

Paul knows that there is nothing I would do for him / and nothing he would do for me
That's why weave gone through life doing nothing for each other!

This is only the second time I have visited this beautiful country but it has not taken long for me to appreciate the differences between pound and punt

As specially when buying a round you've been paying in punts I've been paying in pounds makes me a silly punt

It was only recently that I discovered the definition of an Irish cocktail:
A Guinness with a potato in it.

It's traditional at events such as this for the best man to stand here and ridicule the groom on his past bad behaviour and embarrassing moments in life which he would rather keep locked up in the closet. Being a traditionalist myself I feel that it would be inappropriate to break this rule. [Pause]

As Paul is well aware, dignity is one thing that cannot be preserved in alcohol.

As a nurse, Paul's job involves
Sympathy (feeling for another in pain),
Empathy (the ability to put one's self in the place of a sick individual on the coronary care unit for example)
And compassion (the combination of the two).

Empathy, in particular, plays an important role in Paul's practice. A few of us have been party to his numerous admissions to the Bridgend Coronary Care Unit with a diagnosis of acute ethanol intoxication – to the rest of us, a serious hangover. Many times has he arrived at work only to be ordered to bed on the unit by senior members of staff, which Paul takes up quite willingly in an isolation side-room.

If the rest of us were to attempt such a stunt we would be somewhat less successful and probably ordered home. Only his prescription of cheek, charisma and boyish charm can enable him to get away with this.

In fact, Paul was so drunk one night that I caught him having a conversation with a beetle on the floor. He said, “Do you know that the most famous pop-group in history was named after you”. The beetle replied “A pop group called Cyril?”

Paul never suffers from mental indigestion – his brain is less overworked than his stomach the rhash balti takeaway can assure that fact.

Paul is the only person I know to have three condiments on his table; salt, pepper and Alka-Seltzer

Although it is true that when it comes to beer and curry the law of physics goes out the window as in Paul's case “what goes down must come up”

Paul's stylish process of this gastric function reminds me of a conversation between two cannibals. The first says, “That's no way to bring up your children”, to which the other replies, “I can't help it, I'm always like this after eight pints.”

Paul's philosophy of drinking is that one pint is just right, two is too many and three in not enough.

So on that not here is some advice for you paul, when you come home drunk and Dee is probably going to give you hell. Go through the door singing hunny I'm in the mood for love !!!
When she hears this she's guaranteed to be asleep when you get up stairs.

Although he's got a wife now rather than a fiancée

it won't be long before Paul learns that marriage is the difference between painting the town and painting the fence.

But lets look at Paul's character, it cannot go unmentioned that Paul has got a heart of gold, but so then has a hard-boiled egg.

He can be Naïve: I sent him a letter once addressed from the collage stating he owed them money, he spent the entire morning phoning around the university until he noticed that it was signed Conner Merchant.

Naive O yes but as we can see he has an excellent choice in women. Dee has Beauty, intelligence and a warm caring heart and as many here know gives friendship without compromise

Advice about Marriage and Honeymoon

It will not be long before Paul and Dee are off to North Africa for their Honeymoon.

This reminds me of a story I heard

On the first night of their honeymoon, a Chinese man and woman were just getting into bed when the man said “How about a 69?” The woman replied, “No way am I cooking you anything at this time of night.”

I appreciate that it may be difficult to take advice from me because I need it so much myself. I often think that advice is like a laxative – easy to give but hard to predict the outcome. Nevertheless, I think it is appropriate at this time to give Paul a few words of advice about marriage:

Getting married is like buying on credit;
You see something, you like it, you make it your own
And you pay for it later.

Remember Paul that when returning back from your trip to Africa, if her lips are on fire and she trembles in your arms then she's probably got malaria.

And Dee remember One good turn gets most of the blanket.

The honeymoon is over when he finds out that he married a big spender and she finds out she didn't.