Speech by Mark Padington

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Padington
Speech Date: nov 2003
Ladies and Gentlemen, good afternoon, my name is Mark and I am the Best Man. When preparing this speech a wise old man told me that it should last no longer than the time it takes the Groom to make Love. Thank you very much ! ( Sit down )

I'd like to start by thanking John on behalf of myself the bridesmaid's Claire & Florence and the ushers Sam, Daniel, Stuart and Russell for those kind words. I'm sure you'll all agree that Claire and Florence look lovely.

As for the happy couple, Sophie you look stunning and John you scrubbed up well too. I think it was a bit cheeky that you copied my outfit though !

On behalf of the new Mr and Mrs X I'd like to thank you all for sharing their very special day.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank both sets of parents for all their hard work to ensure that this really is a perfect day for a perfect couple.

I'd now like to read out a couple of messages.

Proper cards

This request has just this minute been handed to me.
For Sale. Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Excellent Condition. £500 ONO. No longer needed. Just Married. Wife knows everything.

Now for the good bit !

For those of you who don't know me I am John's older brother so let's start at the very beginning.
John was born on the 29th September 1972 at King Georges Hospital, Ilford. He weighed in at 7lb 1oz and came early……………………….… so there's no change there then !

John was a bit of a slow starter. At junior school he was very different from all the other seven year olds………………….… he was eleven !
John followed in my footsteps and went to X High School. One of his school mates told me that his nick name was God……..… as he was hardly ever seen……… made up his own rules and when he did do any work it was an absolute miracle.

I've even found a couple of examples from one of John's school reports :
Maths : John has problems converting inches and millimetres………… Sound familiar Sophie.
Religious Education : Johns understanding of Christianity is very poor. He still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Music : John takes a very hands on approach to music, I just wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in the band rather than with himself !

As anyone who knows John they will confirm that he is a bit of a footy nut. He used to follow me to all of my football training sessions and games and I'd like to think that he picked up his desire to win from me. Having said that, his team mates at Allied say that he is useless in nearly every position so Sophie I hope you have better luck tonight.

As most of you know John met Sophie through work, however it could have all been so different. John has had a number of career's in his time and I'd like to share a couple of them with you.

John was a pro footballer for a year or so until he became an artist …………….a piss artist !
He worked on the dust for a short time but it was a good job he didn't continue with it because his affliction to soap and water would have ensured he wouldn't be marrying Sophie today.
John even cleaned phone boxes for a short time until Luscious Lips Linda reported him for making obscene phone calls.
He has also tried his hand as a ski instructor but was chucked out as he wouldn't adhere to the strict uniform. ( Show Picture )

Then came his move into the world of mobile phones. (Russell does his Trigger Happy TV mobile phone sketch)
As I was saying John moved into mobile phones where he met the lovely Sophie and he has not looked back since.

Now I know that it is traditional for the Best Man to talk a little bit about ex-girlfriends, however I think it is vulgar and offensive to the Bride, so I won't………………..however 56 turned out to be John's lucky number !

Sophie over the years has had her fair share of boyfriends which have in turn cost Del and Coleen a few quid. Sophie, so I'm told, had a habit of giving her boyfriends a key to the house so that they could let themselves in and out. Now I know that there are a couple of Sophie's x's on the guest list today and Del has requested that all the missing front door keys be returned. If anyone has a key can they please return it now. (Place metal bucket in front of Bride and all male guests young and old put key in bucket. Best man puts key in last !)

Being married myself I'd now like to offer a few words of advice.

John it's very important that you get on well with the mother-in-law. I haven't spoken to mine in nearly two years. It's not that I don't like her it's just rude to interrupt.

Marriage is something that should not be entered into lightly…………..and judging by John's waistline he has taken it quite literally.

On a serious note, I'd like to say that John you are not only my brother but you are a best mate and it has been an honour and a privilege to be your Best Man. Sophie is a lovely girl and she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.

With regard to the happy couples honeymoon, John did the decent thing and asked Sophie where she would like to go. Sophie suggested somewhere hot and somewhere she had never been before…………………………… John booked two weeks in the kitchen !

Thank yous and gifts.

Finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, there are two very important people here today, they both mean a great deal to us all and at some stage this evening I am sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this very special day. So please be upstanding….… and raise your glasses to ……..the bar staff.

Only Joking.

Please join me in wishing John and Sophie love and happiness.

John and Sophie.