Speech by Mark Painter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Painter
Speech Date: Sep2004
Hello everybody, I am Mark and As you may have gathered, I have the pleasure of being Mikes’ best man. You'll be glad to hear that, I'm not going to speak for long today on account of my throat – if I say the wrong things, Mike's threatened to strangle me!.—

Although on the other hand as a married man This is one of the few occasions when I'm allowed to do all of the talking,——-so please forgive me for making the most of it. Also please do excuse me if I appear nervous – this is not the first time today I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand—–

One of the privileges of being best man is that I get the best seat in the Church for the service. Indeed, before the wedding I had a quick chat with the Vicar and I asked him for his thoughts regarding sex before marriage …he looked around, leaned across and whispered “I don't have any problems with it personally – just so long as it doesn't delay the ceremony!”————

Talking of the Church, I'm sure you'll all agree that was a lovely service this afternoon. Very moving. So much so, even the wedding cake is in tiers. Sorry but the jokes don't get any better.

Before I get into my detailed and at times unnecessarily cruel character assassination of my oldest and best friend, I just wanted to say a couple of things. First, Mike I'd like to say that being asked to be your best man is 1 of the great honours of my life – Thank You, 2nd you're are the best friend any guy could ask for and 3rdly I sincerely hope that the 2 of you have the most wonderful happy and long life together and I look forward to sharing with you its highs and lows

I would also like to tell Mel how gorgeous she looks today.—Oh and you look magnificent too Mike.—He can be very sensitive and I don't want him to think I am showing favouritism. But he could at least have been original and not copied what I'm wearing—

Fornication, Sorry, for an occasion such as this it is necessary to do some research as Mike and I actually go back quite a while now, but I didn't have the privilege of knowing him when he was younger or at school, but I have done a bit of digging around on young Mike or should I say, hairy Mike.

1966 – What a year that was.
England won the World Cup, against Germany – sorry Susanne!!!

And shortly after Mike's birth Family planning was made available on the National Health Service – I don't know if that was a coincidence or …………..…

He was also born into the Chinese year of the Horse and if I got my dates right Mel was born into the year of the Boar – please insert your own farmyard jokes. I was actually born in the yr of the Snake, which is probably what Mike will be calling me later

I was talking to Chris Mike's mother the other day about when Mike was born, and she said "they threw away the mould" when he was born- looking at him now it would seem that some of it grew back

To give you some idea what he was like at his school, I've managed to dig out one of Mike's old school reports…
It reads, “Michael is an ideal pupil who excelled in all subjects”
However on closer inspection its clearly been doctored.
It actually reads,
“Michael is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects”
Anyway moving quickly onto today, what can I say about Mike? – That he hasn't said already

I will never forget the day about 16 years ago, when I met Mike for the first time;—Although believe me I have tried really hard.—I had just joined a firm called St Quintin where Mike was already working as a graduate.

At that time Mike shared a flat with a guy called Ed. When they parted a little while later Ed err umm how do I put this, came out of the closet, so to speak.

A little while later after sharing a flat with his sister Emma in Chiswick,
Mike bought a flat, with a mutual colleague, Peter, Mike and Pete had words and Pete moved out and he announced that he too was gay!!

Funnily enough that was the one thing when Mike and I have spoken over the last couple of weeks and we have checked how each other's speech is going He has said, “ Don't forget the turning “! He seems really pleased to have deprived the gene pool of 2 peoples contribution.

Mike has already mentioned the stag do, a modest quiet little weekend in Tallinn, Capital of Estonia. If you like quaint mediaeval architecture, goats wool jumpers, mosquitos, average restaurants and bad Spanish wine then I'd recommend it.

But if you go out there looking for fun, hedonism, night clubs, drinking and the seamier side of life then I wouldn't recommend it at all as it really is a quiet little backwater. As best man I made sure Mike didn't drink too much and was in bed by midnight, leaving the younger single guys and Martin to party…………………….Mate there never going to buy this, I told you.

When boarding the flight one of the stewardesses saw us and said “ ah a stag group – where's the Groom? Handing over his passport He said that'll be me! Looking at the passport the stewardess replied “about time too!”

We did however have great fun Go Karting (no guessing who won That One, Graham semi professional) and we went off into the woods (behind a prison) to fire a machine gun at photos of Mike (which I have here) and also I regret to tell you that we shot a piglet. Now we're not particularly proud about shooting a dumb animal, but Mike didn't mind too much and Piglet is fine!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I gather that the girls had a fun hen weekend the other week as well at a health spa. I'm told that they all got along famously and were swapping all sorts of gossip about this & that. I'd just like to say girls, that in answer to one of your questions I had a great shower this morning!!

He's intelligent, witty, charming, and (squinting) something else too, but sorry mate, I can't read your writing.

He has also been described to me as conceited, selfish, arrogant and insensitive.…
but lets face it, a mother should know!

More than that, Mike has always been there for me when I needed him. When I was having a bad time at work, he was there, when I crashed my car, he was there, when previous relationships have been on the rocks, he was there. By” there” I mean there was always a bottle of Jameson's and we would dance (in the loosest sense) around his living room at 2 in the morning to the Simple Minds. In fact he was there for all the tough times I've had over the past 16 years or so Mike, I don't know how to tell you this, but mate, you don't half bring me bad luck!

The most sincere compliment I can pay Mike is that he is godfather or guardian to 3 children here today, including my own daughter,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,not something you ask anyone to do

Clearly I could go on all night trying to embarrass Mike so instead I'll stop there, but if you want more juicy revelations, then I have included some bonus tracks on the live cd, available later out the back of the Marquee.—

On a more sincere note now Mike, thanks for being such a great friend and once more, thank you for the honour of letting me be, your Best man.
On that note I will move onto the Bride.– What dare I say about Mel?
As it's her wedding day, I will let her off lightly.—

It was clearly true love when Mel gave her flat up in trendy, cutting edge (or is that dangerous) Bethnal Green, gave up her job in the hip and trendy London Media business at CONNECT, to live in a field in the middle of no where and work for an ad agency in ……..Wolverhampton – true love indeed.

Mel also has a great sense of humour; -As she proved today by marrying Mike.—

Seriously though Mike, Mel is a lovely girl and she deserves a good husband…
Just thank god you married her before she found one.

I would now like to thank Mel on behalf of the beautiful Bridesmaids,
Jo (whoso has come all the way from down under to be here, her sister Helen, Mikes niece Alice and Lucy; for the great honour of being asked to accompany her today. I'm sure you'll all agree they look fantastic, though obviously not as lovely as Mel!!!

I would also like to thank the hosts today, what a lovely Marquee this is, it really warms the heart to see such a big erection at a wedding

I would now like to read some cards, which have been sent here today.

The first one is addressed to Mel from the secretary of Chelsea Football Club.
Michael Tracey once came to us for a secret trial. We tried him in every position, and he was absolutely useless.—Now it's your turn.—

The second one is addressed to Mike
Dearest Slaphead, missing your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whisper sweet nothings.—. Love forever; Peter and Ed

B4 concluding I would like to offer a few words of advice

Firstly to Mel Don't forget if Mike ever says you have poor judgement, he could have a point;—After all, you married him.—

Also Mel you will now be familiar with some of the bizarre things that he comes out with
I've known him long enough now to realise when he's talking rubbish,
His lips are moving!

MIKE -One should never forget that your wife is a romantic. She still enjoys wine, flowers and chocolates. Let her know that you too remember these things, by speaking of them occasionally.

Let me share a little secret that Lesley and I have to keep the magic and romance alive. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food; She goes Mondays, I go Fridays.
Lastly you both should know that it's very important to get on with the mother in law.
I didn't speak to mine for almost two years after I married Lesley, for which I felt quite bad
Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because I didn't like her.… or through lack of trying.
I just thought it was rude to interrupt.

I was thinking about how similar Mike and his Father John are.
I don't know how many of you have had the pleasure of visiting Stonecombe, Chris and Johns house down the road but it was on a recent visit it struck me just how alike they are. There is of course the obvious connection – they both wear glasses.

And then there is the hairline.

Apparently Mike has been losing his hair since an early and in fact at school he was voted, ‘Most likely to recede.’—

Apparently you can judge a man by his baldness. If he is bald in the front, he is a great thinker. If he is bald at the back, he is great lover.—If he is bald at the front and the back,–he just thinks he is a great lover.—

Although Mike assures me his bald patch is really, a solar panel for a sex-machine.

I digress. The other thing we noticed they have in common is the Tracey jig or dance. It's something they do when they are excited, like when you have just pulled up in the drive or they are ready to go out. It goes something like this – hang on we have them both here, perhaps we could prevail upon them to demonstrate………………………

Marvellous. Well now they have one more thing in common. Just as several years go John chased, wooed and wed a gorgeous petite brunette, Mike in turn has chased, wooed and wed his own gorgeous petite brunette and if they are only half as happy as John and Chris, well they will be a very, very happy couple indeed

Before I offer a toast to Mike & Mel, I would like to leave you with a thought.

You don't marry someone you want to live with; you marry someone you cannot live without.

In this case they really are marrying the right person

To the Bride and Groom