Speech by Mark Reading

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Reading
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.

My name is Mark and I am the best man for the day. Before I begin the traditional character assassination of Justin there are some formalities to take care of. I thought that following a speech by Justin would be quite difficult, and I was right, I couldn't follow a word he said. So, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, and the Pageboys I would like to thank Justin for. Whatever he just said. I'm sure you'll agree that they have done a wonderful job today. On behalf of the bride and groom, I would also like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. I hope you're all having a good time today, as much as I was until about 30 seconds ago.

Please be considerate during this speech and laugh out loud at the right points and snigger where appropriate, because Justin has already told me that if I do well today he will definitely use me at his next wedding. I would also like to remind you, that the more you laugh at my jokes the faster my speech will be delivered. This is my first experience in playing such a large role in a wedding and I appreciate Justin & Lisa giving me the opportunity to make a fool of myself amongst their friends and family.

I'd like to thank Justin for asking me to be his best man today and secondly I'd like to thank Lisa for letting him ask me. I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Justin the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life. Which to be fair is only what he gives Lisa every-time they go to bed.

When Justin asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined £50. So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last lot were.

I was worried about how long this speech should be, but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom's lovemaking, which means I should have finished 2 minutes ago. Although you may be expecting this speech to be full of Carry-On style innuendo, I'm afraid it isn't. I came up with a great one last night and tried to slip it in, but my girlfriend told me to take it out.

I'm sure you'll agree that Lisa looks absolutely stunning this afternoon and as for Justin (LOOK AT Justin) well he just looks stunned! (PAUSE) No, Justin looks pretty smart, but I should get the credit as I am the one who had to drag him out the bathroom this morning and then try to dress him as he was clutching at my legs and sobbing uncontrollably. On a more serious note wasn't the wedding service great. The church was wonderful, interestingly I found myself talking with the vicar before the ceremony. I asked his opinion on sex before marriage. He said it was fine but on this occasion he would have to give it a miss, as I wasn't really his type.

I will now read out a couple of cards:

Justin – I will miss you so much, you were my best customer ever. – The landlord of the Bears Paw.

Justin, I really enjoyed our poolside chat the other day. Although I am disappointed, I hope you are happy in your decision to go ahead with the wedding" – Michael Barrymore.

Justin, your sense of fashion has been an inspiration to me during my pop career all the best H from Steps

To Justin, have a great day, we'll all miss you now you're married – Angels sauna and massage parlour.

So how did it all begin – Ten years ago Lisa met a good-looking, intelligent and athletic young man. Unfortunately he emigrated to Australia and Lisa met Justin on the rebound. That was 9½ years ago, not quite the 9½-week love affair Lisa had imagined. That is apart from the time Justin and Lisa sat in front of the fridge playing with food, Lisa smearing Ice-cream on Justin's rippling torso – unfortunately it looked so good he ate it himself.

Justin and Lisa have already been together longer than most married couples. This shows the effort made by them as a couple or more likely this demonstrates first hand the resilience and sheer determination that Lisa possesses.

I imagine you will be expecting stories of Justin and his embarrassing moments. But Justin is not easily embarrassed. So if I mentioned the time he fell asleep on Leo's toilet with his trousers around his ankles – he probably wouldn't be embarrassed. Or if I told you about the time he tried to jump onto a barge from the canalside and fell into the canal – he would not even blush. And I doubt that he would go red if I mentioned the time the world's smallest waiter beat him up for not paying the bill. And mentioning the pile problem wouldn't have any effect on Justin at all. Speaking of embarrassment – my girlfriend – Kate – told me not to embarrass her by delivering a rubbish speech, well Kate I am trying not to embarrass you indirectly and I would never dream of embarrassing you directly by say mentioning something like the taxi ride home whilst we were away in Majorca. I do have some stories to tell but it seems that all the stories have a similar theme and I've been racking my brains for one that doesn't start with “we were in the pub”, or “we'd been drinking all day”, or “I woke up with a sore head, in a hedge, covered in whipped cream, wearing only a bum bag!”

For those of you who don't know, Justin is a great athlete, he excels at most sports and is a good competitor. Amongst Justin's favourite sporting activities are squash, pool and tennis. His other great love is snooker so he is equally comfortable with cue in hand, whether it be an easy pink, or more difficult brown. Justin is a great dancer. He has those dancing skills where rhythm and style are of no real importance. You'll no doubt see many examples of this later on this evening. Well what is Justin really like: He's Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Charming, Er..Er…Your handwriting is terrible Justin. Justin and me have a good relationship despite this there are some things I wouldn't do for him. I wouldn't lie to Lisa for him. I wouldn't try to upset him by beating him at squash too often. I wouldn't take advantage of him, and if he had a secret mistress called Shelley I would never ever keep it a secret.

It's fair to say that for Justin, it has not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent six days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit apparently it was touch and go at one stage. I also remember the time he had his jaw wired up, I remember that to be a particularly peaceful time in my life.

Ex girlfriends – I could make a joke and say that because of last year's foot and mouth, say that they're all dead or some are still in quarantine. I could also say that maybe a few of his ex girlfriends should have sent Lisa sympathy cards. But, that wouldn't be funny. Talking about ex girlfriends at a wedding makes a lot of people very uncomfortable. You can almost feel the knots in people's stomachs and I wouldn't want to be the cause of that. So if you've come here today expecting to hear about funny stories about Justin's ex girlfriends from me, the times, the places, the fun. You'd be wrong. So we'll say no more about it – but who would have thought that Justin's lucky number would have been 64.

I've actually known Lisa for about 15 years so know a few stories about her too –I have been warned not to delve into her colourful past, in any case I've only got a few minutes, so I'll leave her horrible pre and post pubescent attitude and the short spell she spent in a Singapore jail for drug trafficking to someone else. Lisa is a wonderful woman and deserves a good husband, so thank God – Justin married her before she found one. Lisa, you are a beautiful lady, and you make an even more gorgeous bride. I hope Justin realises how lucky he is, as I am sure you will remind him from time to time. I know you have both been planning the wedding for a while now, and can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything has exceeded your expectations.

You may look at Justin and wonder what Lisa sees him in, I always thought she had a thing for short men but it seems to me that there is more in it than that. Lisa is a good judge of character, not only does she think I am brilliant but she doesn't mind Justin too much either. Seriously, Lisa undoubtedly recognises all the positive attributes of Justin's character that I see. He is a caring, generous, loyal and thoughtful person, and it is pleasure to have Justin as a friend. He has always been there for me when I needed him, and always seems to have the right advice – which was normally given out in the pub. I hope I have been even half as good a friend to Justin as he has been to me. And now, it is my honour, and relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Justin and Lisa. We wish you all the best for the future and hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage. Justin and Lisa.