Speech by Mark Robinson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Robinson
Speech Date: mar 2004
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm the best man Mark – Don't worry I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat; …if I go on too long Sarah has threatened to cut it.

They said it would be very difficult to follow Andrew's speech. They were quite right. I didn't understand a word of it.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Andrew for his kind words and I'm sure you'll all agree how beautiful and charming they all look today.

When I discovered that I was to be best man today, I decided to look on the Internet. After a couple of hours I finally found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.

I've come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny!

As the Nanny I've had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good,
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a bloody plastic surgeon!

I'd like to congratulate the bridesmaids on the remarkable job of making sure that Sarah didn't change her mind. And I'd like to thank the usher for making the effort of getting dressed-up and also the vicar for a beautiful service and impressing me by the size of his organ.

I'm sorry, I promised not to do a carry on style speech full of innuendo. I came up with a great one last night and tried to slip it in, but Ruth told me to take it out.

I'd like to thank everyone for travelling far and wide.

Martin has come all the way from Australia. Amazing what that bloke will do for a free meal.

Ah Andrew, and myself well we've been through a lot together…..Luckily they are not all here tonight.

Sorry, simply not true!

I met him on the golf course, He's always been happiest with his wood in hand. We were at school together though he was younger and of course you have nothing to do with the geeky immature nerds in the year below.

However, as well as having to spend a large amount of time with him on Tunshill golf course junior competitions I also found out quite by accident that we had something else in common.

Beer and more specifically, the potent ale of the Back wagon Milnrow. The Wagon the finest drinking tavern in all of England. Well somewhere that would serve us when we were under age and give us after time lock ins as we got older.

He would almost certainly be in there with some of his cronies and more than likely so would I.

There formed a first partnership made in heaven, i.e. mainly sitting, trivial banter and some extremely heavy supping.

There was also a sporty side to our leisure activities, namely darts, table football, mixed with the occasional game of pool if we were feeling adventurous

There was something else that we had in common:

Andrew has been a life long City fan and despite living in Newcastle, surprisingly has managed to get tickets to all the big games. He was there at Wembley in the division 2 extra time play off. He was there at the Blackburn game that saw our spectacular return to the premiership. He even managed an appearance at the spectacular new stadium for the Arsenal game.

Mind you I suppose all this is going to change now he is a married man. Damned shame that, as now we will be in Europe every week.

He has some double standards though. When he was round at my house the other week he told me off for having a red watering can. I said it was the only one they had in the shop. He said he'd have done without. I ask you, he's got a red car!

It's also refreshing to know that he has remained a life long Lancastrian (hence the red roses). To this day he still rings up radio 5 traffic report to complain that Milnrow is in Lancashire and not West Yorkshire, get in.

Now he's an old married man wonder if he'll still worry about his mother catching him smoking whilst watching the test match on telly. Sorry Mrs H!

>From the Wagon he moved to Newcastle where he was a student tax dodger
>for
between 20 to 30 years.

Apparently after all this he became a doctor. Always slightly confused me that, you might be surprised to learn that he's not a real doctor you know. He actually is a doctor of coal. Again I've never quite understood this, all I know is that he can't light a barbecue. God knows how he passed. I can only presume that they give doctorates away with two pepsi ring pulls and esso tiger token!

A big thanks to the lads from the stag do. We went to Leeds stayed in a hotel called the Queens…….Andrew booked it!

Well they say you need guts to get married. I didn't realise he'd be throwing his up all over himself and his bed and that I'd have to clear it up at 0500 in the morning. "What do you want me to do?"

Mind you this isn't the first time I've had to room with him. I won't go into the details about when we roomed in London, we've just eaten but Sarah I really pity you!

I'm sworn to secrecy surrounding the rest and I must admit most of it is still a blur but I do remember some form of purple bar, a pickled egg and some bloke called Winston.

We did go into this one pub though and the barman said "Hey Andy why the long face?"

It's funny I was reading something in the paper last week where they were claiming Louis Theroux is a sex symbol now. I can't see that. Mind you perhaps he's more where's Wally? Where's is he, where's Wally, ah there he is.

When he told me he was seeing a young nurse from Grimsby I thought blimey that sounds a bit fishy.

I was a bit worried about telling that joke I thought I might get battered.

We may be asking ourselves what Sarah sees in Andrew; I regularly do as well. But they do say love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener. So I'd just like to say Andy, you are a lucky groom; marrying Sarah today. She deserves a good husband… So thank goodness you married her before she found one.

Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 24 years ago Sarah's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and it's happening again today

Anyway I must say again what a wonderful girl Sarah is and how lovely she looks today – dressed in that fantastic white dress … you won't have any trouble blending in with everything else in the kitchen.

Messages

Dear Andrew, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've
made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore"

Finally

In all seriousness, they really are a lovely couple lovely couple. She's gorgeous and he really has fallen on his feet, they are so well suited.

He is by far the nicest, most genuine bloke I have ever met and by far the finest company.

It really is an honour to be standing here today.

Ladies and gentlemen, please charge your glasses.

"Doctor and Mrs Harding, the bridge and groom"