Speech by Mark Samuel

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Mark Samuel
Speech Date: Jul 1999
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Julian for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes every five seconds. I did ask for an auto-cue to be set up in front of me, but apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far, and more to the point, neither does my eyesight.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Mark and I'm acting as Julian's Best Man.

It's said that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother, it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it.

Well, the Queen Mother was busy today so here I am instead.

History
Julian and I first met 11 years ago whilst I was going through what my parents and teachers sympathetically described as a ‘phase’.

This ‘phase’ involved attending various schools in the West Country for one or two terms at a time. It was at one of these schools that our paths first crossed.

In the 11 years I have had the pleasure of being Julian's friend he has always been there for me.

When I had my first car accident, Julian was there, When I lost control of my Cessna, Julian was there, When my girlfriend dumped me, Julian was there, When I lost my job, Julian was there.

In fact Julian, I think you must be a jinx!

No seriously, It's a great honour to be asked his Best Man today.

In the years I have known Julian he has been kind enough to give me an endless source of ammunition to help me deliver this speech, some of which I would like to share with you today.

Julian did mention a few topics, which he said "SHOULD DEFINATELY NOT" be brought up.

However, he forget to mention whether or not I could speak about the one legged stripper with a glass eye which we ‘came across’ on his Stag weekend.

On second thoughts, maybe it would be better if I discussed this with people on an individual basis afterwards.

Joke
I guess I have always been a forward thinker.

I knew the Cold War had to end, I knew that Nelson Mandela would one day be free and I knew that the Berlin wall would come eventually come down,

But I have to say I NEVER thought that Julian would get married!

I remember a few years ago he said "that he would never marry", but if he did, " he would like to marry a woman with small feet".

"Why small feet?" I asked.

" So she can get closer to the sink" he answered.

As some of you will already be aware Julian is a very successful Chef in the British Army. You would assume that after ten years of military service Julian would be:-

Alert Athletic Co-ordinated A good map reader and good at cooking the simplest of meals.

Sadly, this is not the case.

Story One
On one holiday I went to visit Julian in Cyprus. Julian decided we should try and do something constructive rather than sitting in a bar for seven days.

This in itself had us totally confused. It took a few beers to discuss what life outside of the pub actually consisted of?

Julian then decided we should do something sporty and came up with the idea of ski-ing. This, I have to say, was not one his better ideas as neither of us had ever skied before.

Julian spent the first day trying to fathom out how to stay on the ski lift, for the whole ride up the mountain without falling off!

On the second day there was marginal improvement but for some reason Julian's brain co-ordination only allowed him to make left-hand turns.

You can imagine how amusing it was when the run consisted mainly of right-hand turns to get back to the ski lift!

Story Two
It was on the same holiday I witnessed Julian have his first meal criticised by his boss, Major-General Dinari.

Julian took this criticism to heart and was sure his career was finished. I asked Julian what he had cooked that warranted such a severe warning.

I expected the answer to be a delicacy such as ‘Hickory Smoked Quails Breast’ or maybe ‘Escargot in a Garlic and Pancetta crust’.

But no, Julian was upset over a ‘Cheese and Pickle’ sandwich.

Allegedly he hadn't put enough effort in to it.

I must admit that now, whenever I eat a cheese and pickle sandwich I too wonder how much effort has been put into it.

Story Three
Just as I have been to visit Julian when he has been overseas he in turn has been to stay with me in London.

I have always been baffled by the fact that Julian can go on Exercise in the middle of the night on Salisbury Plain and find his way about, yet I have noticed he never seems to be able to make it back to my place on the tube or bus.

I think the worse case of Julian's inability to read a bus map read was when he ended up in Tilbury Docks Bus Depot in Essex.

Unfortunately, Julian had had one beer too many and he fell asleep on the bus. I can only imagine he had had a brilliant tour of London as he was driven round for four hours before being taken back to the Bus Depot.

He eventually walked through the door at 10 o'clock the next morning having spent a staggering 10 hours on public transport covering at least 100 miles.

I think he must have been on a bit of a mission that particular weekend as he also failed to make it back on Saturday night. Although, he got very close to the front door. Within 10 feet I think!

He had passed out on the front lawn. It wasn't until his snoring set off the security lights that someone found him and brought him in.

So, it's on that note I would like to draw my speech to a close.

Toasts
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day with them, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances.

I started planning this speech five days ago and I hope you don't feel like I have been delivering it as long but it now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Julian and Jaime, Mr and Mrs Gxxxxxx no less.

We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Julian and Jaime!